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Do women in relationships still masturbate or have sexual thoughts about other men?

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Question - (22 July 2009) 28 Answers - (Newest, 15 March 2013)
A male United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My wife and I were talking the other day and the topic of masturbation came up. When I asked her the question I am positive she fed me with a bullshit answer. So basically I want to take a poll here. The question for any married woman or women living with their bf or fiance. Even though you have your man there to do the "deed", do you still masturbate at times and do you have sexual thoughts of being with another men or maybe your own man while masturbating? I am looking to see how common it is and how often you might find yourself doing it.

View related questions: fiance, married woman

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A female reader, AnnaAnna United States +, writes (15 March 2013):

I don't know about other women. I will just share my own experience. I'm 42 and married for over 21 years with the only man I have had sex with. More over, he is the only boyfriend I have ever had. We started "dating" when I was 12. It didn't take him too long to reach third base after stepping on first, however he didn't get home until our wedding night. In other words, he explored me thoroughly from head to toe for years but really mastered in doing wonders under my underwear. Intercourse has never been as satisfactory as manual stimulation. I DO MASTURBATE when he does not satisfy me manually and when he is not at home. I fantasize about a man that can take me to orgasm by intercourse. When I masturbate I think of other men. I think of my sister's husbands, my neighbors and coworkers. But who I think the most of is my boss. We spend a lot of time together. He is very handsome, and I like to think he is very virile too and has a lot of stamina to make me orgasm just by intercourse.

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A female reader, jade152 United Kingdom +, writes (28 October 2012):

hi room i am in my early forties in a stable loving and exciting relationship with my boyfriend and i still masturbate. I do not think your wife is being honest with you, not to deceive you or anything but just because she is uncomfortable sharing her fantasies with you.

My favorite is driving along a country road with my man and with my boobs out and this guy comes of his bike ( seeing my boobs ) and goes into the forest at the side of the road. I feel guilty and my man tells me to go help him while he stays in the car. I find him lying in a secluded spot and kneel down next to him and apologize ( he is very attractive cliche i know ) and he says he will not call the police if he can see my boobs again. I am horrified and say no but eventually give in and get my boobs out. he caresses them and puts his hand up my skirt and starts to play with me. I can see his penis and he is very excited as well ( all the time i am conscious my man is sitting the car at the top of the road ) this excites and i straddle him and take him inside me. I usually climax at this point.

On reflection i think it is the dangerous situation and the fact i am being forced to do this so he will not call the police that excites me and the fact i could be caught by my man only adds to it. I have never shared this fantasy with my boyfriend and the closest i got to it was when we were out driving and i had my mini skirt on and no bra and we were stopped on a country road by a jogger asking for directions.

I could see him looking down my top and shifting position so he could see up my mini skirt. At the time this gave me a thrill and it was shortly after this i started having this fantasy.

I also go a lot of drives in the county lol. I hope this helps you to know that your wife probably has a similar fantasy about something dangerous but cannot bring herself to share it.

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A female reader, pickpockets United States +, writes (29 April 2010):

I have been with my man for alil over 3 years . We have a very healty sex life . No crap . We have sex about 7 TO 12 TIMES A WEEK And even after he's gone to work . I will masterbate . He knows I do it. He loves that I do and talk to him about it . Gets him turned on . I also talk to him about my fantasies . I really don't fantasize about guys but I do about women even a certain type of woman and he plays along with my fantasies to spice it up and get me even more riled . Ur wife could be telling the truth but I do I am sure she's human like the rest of us and mabey has a thought or to. But she mabey alil insecure about sharing or afraid u might not like her fantasy or thoughts . I thought my guy would but he could tell I had something on my mind and he asked me to tell that he would not hate me or be mad . So I hope my comment can help.

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A female reader, justright United States +, writes (22 March 2010):

justright agony auntI masturbate often. I always have. Whether in a sound relationship, alone, or like now - actively dating along with having friends with benifits. In fact now, while I am having some of the best sex of my life, I find myself even more aroused all the time and therefore masturbating even more. My favorite mate can go several rounds with me over several hours, pleasing me each time. Yet on his way to his car I am already feeling the urge to touch myself. In that case it is the thought of him I use to climax. But when I have been in a relationship for a while, typically it is not my partner I use mentally. It may not even involve me. Porn brings me to orgasim as well. I am not sure what you wanted to hear or what your wife says, but in all my years the one thing I do know for sure, we are all different and what pleases one of us does not please us all.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2010):

I am in a serious relationship, when I masturbate I think of someone different, no one I know just imagination of different people, no faces, just someone touching me and penatrating me. that is the only way i could have and orgazm and not take and hour. lol

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A female reader, torngirl United Kingdom +, writes (11 November 2009):

I'm in a long term relationship and yes i masturbate but i don't think of other people other than my man. I'm only tempted to when something isnt going so great in our relationship - i choose not to because it feels like cheating on him to do it. I do think of a range of fantasies that my guy and i play out/that id like us to play out tho. Imo its fine if its involving him, if its someone else then its wrong!

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A reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2009):

You know this poll is very biased... not all women masturbate and fantasize about men other than their spouse.

I was married for a very long time and never masturbated. I had no need for it because my husband was always willing and able to meet my needs. Why settle for less than the real thing?

Women who do not masturbate and fantasize "outside the box" are also NOT likely to post on here. So don't base any conclusions on chatrooms, postings or the internet.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009):

a fantasy is a fantasy...sometimes i read cookbooks while i eat, even if i'm enjoying the food i'm literally eating. variety isn't bad. better to fantasize than to actually seek supplemental stimulation from other men...

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A female reader, fyfx United States +, writes (24 July 2009):

fyfx agony auntYes women do fantasize about other men sexually. Do men fantasize about other women when pleasuring themselves? We are all human. All have sex drives. All get bored, at times, in our current situations. It's a harmless fantasy. It's only detrimental if goes beyond fantasy. You should use it to your advantage and explore with her. Ask her WHAT not whom she fantasizes about. Maybe she thinks about other men because she doesn't think you would be sexually into what she is fantasizing about. Meaning maybe it's got nothing to do with her sexual attraction to you but what she thinks your limits might be. So your out and her imaginary Latin lover is in because he will perform without prejudice to her satisfaction. Maybe it's time to show her YOU can take her to edge if she just enlightens you. You can make her fantasizes a reality or, at least, give it a shot.

At the very least I wouldn't take it personal ... it's not.

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A female reader, fyfx United States +, writes (24 July 2009):

fyfx agony auntYes women do fantasize about other men sexually. Do men fantasize about other women when pleasuring themselves? We are all human. All have sex drives. All get bored, at times, in our current situations. It's a harmless fantasy. It's only detrimental if goes beyond fantasy. You should use it to your advantage and explore with her. Ask her WHAT not whom she fantasizes about. Maybe she thinks about other men because she doesn't think you would be sexually into what she is fantasizing about. Meaning maybe it's got nothing to do with her sexual attraction to you but what she thinks your limits might be. So your out and her imaginary Latin lover is in because he will perform without prejudice to her satisfaction. Maybe it's time to show her YOU can take her to edge if she just enlightens you. You can make her fantasizes a reality or, at least, give it a shot.

At the very least I wouldn't take it personal ... it's not.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

Well I rarely do. Only when he asks me to (he's deployed) because he wants me to have some pleasure.. but i never think of any other man. And he only does when i ask him to.. he hated doing it. He thinks its weird but if he doesn't while he's gone, it will actually cause very serious medical problems. So i have to remind him every other week or so so that he will do it. And i have to send him pics of me cuz he hates porn...

~Sy.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States + , writes (23 July 2009):

Tisha-1 agony auntI think only some women complain about it. I don't understand why people think they own someone else's body and thoughts--seems unhealthy to me.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

My wife still does and it kinda turns me. I've been outside before doing yard work and she'll text me and say she just did the deed. Heck we've got enough toys in that bedroom to make an army of women happy. By the way, we are mid-forties, have been married almost 18 years, and the sex is better now than ever.

To answer your question, yes they do. We have embraced it and made it part of our sex life. Heck, I've been pulling on mine forever and don't plan on stopping.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

In my case I have to say "yes" . I have a lover and the sex is great but I still masturbate when he's not here . Sometimes I think about him but sometimes I think of fantasies , ect . Even when we're together I may think about other men , but it has nothing to do with his lack of ability . It's just to spice things up so to speak . Maybe your wife is just embarrassed to admit it . I like to watch porn sometimes but am shy about admitting that to most guys . Hope this helps you some .

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A reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

Yes, I have for years, and it can be about my hubby OR some fine man. That doesnt necessarily mean that I want the man I am fantasizing about. Just a way to release some sexual tension...and to relax.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2009):

Yes for myself i still masturbate quite often. My boyfirend gets off watching me doing it. It just spicies things a little sometimes. So she probably does it but just doesn't want to let you know. well good luck

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A female reader, alwaysreadyandwilling United Kingdom +, writes (22 July 2009):

alwaysreadyandwilling agony auntI agree,but i guess they keep it quiet. Many ways of it,some even go in chatrooms and show themselves and post pics that dont show their face.Its stll maturbating and fantasy,with urge to swing but without anybody finding out. My ex almost admitted her fantasy of being gangbanged,but i never got jealous. On the other hand i couldnt say the same to her as she was insecure. Looking back,it wouldnt suprise me if she acted it out by now.

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A female reader, Serenity1 United States +, writes (22 July 2009):

Serenity1 agony auntYES

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

yes i'm not saying your wife is lying if she said she never thinks about other men or masturbates or whatever but it wouldn't be the norm

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

My missus still masturbates, but she says she thinks only of me while she's doing it. I don't really care if it's true or not - her private fantasies are her own business.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

Yes, women do this. Not all of them of course. Based off myself and other conversations with women, it's always to the men we're with. Its a different type of orgasm, not necessarily better or worse, it's just different.

You should try and incorporate it into your sex life with her, and be open about your own masturbating.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

I definitely think about other guys when I masturbate. Would I ever in a billion years hook up with anyone other than my husband? NEVER. Nobody could give me what my man gives me, love, devotion, laughter, smiles and blow-my-mind sex. I love my man, and I couldn't imagine being with anyone else in real life. The thought is just kind of gross.

But when I have the night to myself and I'm masturbating? The fantasies go to the moon and back. It's does the trick, I go to sleep and there ya go.

I wouldn't worry about it.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

Of course I do and it's not because my man doesn't please me, sometimes he's tired, sleeping, whatever. And yes, while doing so I do think of my man:) Your wife didn't tell you maybe because she's scared it would hurt your feelings and could it be that she's right! Don't worry because I'm assuming she doesn't cheat on you so why borrow trouble, let it go and be happy :)

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A female reader, sexseahot United States +, writes (22 July 2009):

sexseahot agony auntI barely ever masterbate. I figure, if I want sexual pleasure, I'll let my man know and we can pleasure eachother. It is a very rare occasion I pleasure myself.

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A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (22 July 2009):

Danielepew agony auntWomen are not dead just because they are with you. So it is safe to assume they will masturbate occasionally, and will obviously have thoughts of being with someone else. If you've ever been flirted with, only to find later that the woman is not interested, then you have seen it happen and missed the meaning.

By the way, my congratulations on your being smart. In this circumstances, your woman had a very strong reason NOT to give you an answer that would not be "bullshit". She would expect you to be hurt, et cetera, if she gave you the right answer. So she said what you wanted to hear. This is a lie, yes, but you have to see a bit further and check the motives.

Now, don't worry about it. I am sure you also have thoughts about other women, and don't act on them... sort of.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

yes. but it doesnt mean they want other men, just human nature.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2009):

Yes, I am guilty of that too.

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A female reader, DeVaughn'sMommy08 United States +, writes (22 July 2009):

DeVaughn'sMommy08 agony auntOK well your question I can relate to and tell you that I as a woman who has been married now for only a year and a half that I at times have masturbated...but only for certain reasons... either my husband wasn't here to please me at the time, or were arguing with one another and we don't want to have sex. So then I have to get myself off. I don't think of anyone while I'm doing it,I just focus on the sensation at hand...literally.lol

Other then thinking about having sex with other men...that some times pops into my head,but not while I'm masturbating...that's usually while watching tv,a movie etc...and I think damn that guys fine,what it would be like to be under him/or on top...but hey who doesn't think about sex with other people.How big are their nipples??whats the size of their cock?? Are those boobs real?? It's just normal human curiosity. To me that is. I don't know about your wife... Why would she have any reason to lie to you...? Some woman just don't do it. My sister for instance doesn't do it... She's married and she tried it once and she didn't like it at all...now thinking about other guys and what it would be like to have sex with them...yea she does that. I hope this helps.=]

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