New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

Do the Aunts think this seems okay at face value?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 March 2018) 8 Answers - (Newest, 18 March 2018)
A male United States age 30-35, *hello88 writes:

Okay, so this has been a big/hectic day. I've been in this relationship 5+ years. It's always been a life partner type scenario.

Well today, we got into a fight, words were said, and she threw the "I want to break-up" card. We've had a really rough month of trying to work through problems with our relationship; defensiveness, arguing, sex, not having enough time for each other, having "expectations" of one another, and finally, our preconceived know-it-all attitude towards one another. Like, having a notion of what the other person is thinking, or what they're going to do next in a negative way.

These were her reasons:

- We treat each other like dirt (yes, that's definitely true sometimes)

- She's busy with life, going back to school (full-time) for the first time in a very long time while working! (Yeah, I totally agree that she is super busy)

- We can't change into better people while being together.

After the main part of the fight when things started to settling down. She says that she doesn't want to break-up, it's just the only solution she thought of in that moment. What she actually needs is space. She can't keep up with the expectations of the relationship, both physically and emotionally because she is so busy. And I totally get that. She wants to make sure she does well in school and she also wants to improve herself to be able to be a better person most of all, but also do it in order to improve chances of continuing our relationship in a more positive way; less defensive, better at communicating, ect. She also needs to figure out a path for her career which she hasn't discovered yet.

I want to improve as well in the same way! There are a ton of things I want to work on. We've tried working on these things but never seriously made a schedule to sit down and read self-help books together. Now it's gotten to the point where we've decided that space is necessary in order to do that, but by each of us, separately.

She assures me that this has nothing to do with seeing other people. I'm not really sure? She's told me that it would make no sense for her to because of what she needs to improve with herself first. She's also expressed that if the desire arises in the future, she would let me know, but that the desire couldn't be farther from what she wants or needs right now. She just needs to re-gather her identity and know what it feels like to be alone again.

Well, long story short, since we have a lot of financial responsibilities together we decided to live as roommates/friends. Not a break up, but a pause in our relationship and space. We've decided to organize separate rooms where we can be alone. She can work without interruption. (Which I feel is something that always should've existed anyways.) We don't have healthy space, so being at each other's throats is the obvious result.

She explains that she still loves me, and wants to be for the rest of her life, but neither of us know where this will lead. So we've left things without expectation.

To end things off, we have an open relationship. We are honest, open, and have agreed to be able to see other people sexually. Of course, that involves trusting each other to let the other person know what's going on. We stress that we shouldn't have a "rule" to tell one another. (I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not?) We don't have to tell the other person, but hope the other person will anyways by their own free will. That way its non-restricting. People should have the right to keep something to themselves after all.

I plan to work on myself during this time and seek other relationships (friends, sexual partners, ect.) I'm seeing this as a sort of extreme solution to her situation. That we are rearranging our relationship to accommodate her needs. I love her and want her to have what she needs. I'm pretty sure I'll be fine, and if I need something, I have the full freedom to seek it else where.

From the experience of everyone on this site. Does this all seem okay at face-value? I'm growing a lot as a person. I've tired to shed my possessiveness in relationships. I always fear being taken for a fool, because I've been hurt in the past. I'm definitely not the same person I was back then though. I think I can handle this.

View related questions: a break, roommate

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2018):

Long story short, you only have 2 options. It really needs to be black and white here.. no gray area. It's either you are a couple and live together as a couple, or you are not a couple and you/her/both move out. Don't blame finances forcing you both to stay together and have an open relationship! That's not thinking with the right head! Rent a room off someone if you need to!

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (18 March 2018):

janniepeg agony auntI am confused because she was okay with it then she got so angry that she talked about break up. I more inclined to say she's not okay but kept a straight face to cover her sadness. It is very normal about being angry over the open relationship suggestion. The space is so that she won't scream or shout. I don't see any good outcome. I don't disagree that you both somehow grew from this but to think that you two simply can pick up where you left off in the future is too optimistic.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, mhello88 United States +, writes (17 March 2018):

mhello88 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

I should also mention that we both have a realistic idea of how no one is perfect and everyone has flaws. If either of us were to fall in love with another person, it would only mean tackling a different set of problems. Maybe the new person would be more mature than our current partner, maybe not. It would just be starting down the same road, for better or worse, you don’t know. The solution isn’t always to end a relationship and I see it a lot on this site.

There are a lot of qualities that we appreciate about the other than are hard to find. We know that the problem with our relationship is about communication without fighting. As well as some security issues that I’ve admitted to wanting to desperately fix about myself. So there you go.

There are many similarities betweeen relationships but I still believe every single one of them are different and you can only know by being involved. Or a psychologist with many sessions with the couple.

You could chalk this up to people (me) not accepting the truth and not wanting to accept what is tough to hear (your opinions) but equally so, your advice could just be wrong or because I could communicate the entirety of our relationship properly for you to give the correct answer. Like I said, I don’t know what I was expecting by posting this.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, mhello88 United States +, writes (17 March 2018):

mhello88 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Oh boy, all really good responses. Thank you! But I have to admit that it’s difficult to accurately describe the setting of the situation. I don’t know what I was expecting by this post.

To clear a few things up. The open relationship idea came from me because of a sex drive imbalance. We have a good sex life that we both enjoy, but 1. we got together young, and 2. I would like more frequent sex that I feel she’s not up to. She’s busy, and I know what consent is. It shouldn’t be contractual, it should be mutual, but it can’t always be. So I came up with the idea and after thinking about it she’s okay with it. It has not gone into effect but I started looking and she actually seemed interested in helping.

I’m really confused by the responses against this, because to us, we feel closer with this arrangement because of the drama and secrecy over wondering what the other person really wants sexual has gone out the window. We are now, for the first time, able to be honest and free with those needs. At the same time we feel secure, that we trust each other to stay within the boundaries we’ve set and remain loyal to each other emotionally.

We talked about it more today and now it’s seems like she said that she wants to break up out of anger and as a cry for help. We might not be up to the standard of some 5 year relationships like many here have judgmentally explained, but we have come a long way individually growing together. We still have a ways to go to get to full monk perfect mode relationship status.

Right now it isn’t even a break. It’s space. She made the idea of having a date night once a week and having sex. Because that’s a all she can manage. That’s a great compromise in my opinion. I’m going to lay off and read some self help books to regain my independent composure. We are also going to separate finances.

Anyone in any relationship has to come to terms with the possibility of having to let the person go. I need to get to that mental state.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, 02DuszJ United Kingdom +, writes (17 March 2018):

02DuszJ agony auntTo be blunt.. no. I'm sorry to say but the bottom line here is she wants to sleep with other people and she wants to be SINGLE. Even if it's for a "break" period it shows that she doesn't currently want the relationship, and after that realisation I don't see a way to revive what you had. I'm sorry but if after 5 years you are having these fundamental problems it's not meant to be. You would KNOW by now if you were destined to be with each other. You should be getting closer not drifting apart,that's the telltale sign.

I agree with Honeypie that it's been dragged out because neither of you want to admit the painful truth. You get used to HAVING each other around and any habit is hard to break.. you care deeply for each other but it's not enough because if you were compatible you would be at the finishing line by now contemplating marriage, babies and a SOLID future together. Instead you're tearing each other apart.

I'm so sorry mate you obviously love her and five years is a long time, but she's telling you she wants to sample what ELSE is out there. Maybe not directly but by stating the rule that *it's allowed* is her giving herself a free pass to do what she wants. However it's dressed up that's the telltale sign that your relationship has expired. Even if you try to fight for it you'll know that she's open to seeing other people which I wouldn't be able to forget.

I think you should start coming to terms with the fact this is relationship is over which will be impossible while you're still living with her. I would look into sorting the finances n planning to move out, it's the only way you'll be able to start healing.

And lastly don't take it personally. These things happen every second you can have love but not be compatible. The right girl for you is out there. Good luck.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, janniepeg Canada +, writes (17 March 2018):

janniepeg agony auntI don't know who suggested open relationship but I guess it hasn't happened yet with other people. Part of the stress is the preconceived notion that the lack of sex causes tension and arguments, so the quick solution is sex with other people since the two of you are always angry at each other. You two, without thinking much, said okay because it seems like it can cool things off a bit. Just think, if you got back together, would you be really cool that you both had sex with other people without waiting it out for each other? It could also be a test for both of you to see how devoted you are.

We don't die of lack of sex, nor do we find things to fight about when we are single and celibate. In relationships, we enter into it with a set of agreements that become rigid. Relationships should not be treated like school assignments and exams, where you put in work then get a good grade. You should be able to step back and adjust to time schedules.

If she is the one who suggested open relationship, she can not regret it later if you want a relationship in the future and found out that the trust has been shattered. I don't think I can say I love that person and still want to have sex with others. When you add other people in the mix, you dilute that devotion and the main person in your life becomes less special. When you say you can handle this, it means in your life you are seeing her as less value already. Because you if you really love someone, it would really hurt. Emotionally you are starting to detach. I don't think for myself, I can tell myself to love that person less for now, then love that person more in the future. It doesn't work that way.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 March 2018):

Honeypie agony auntDoes it seem OK at face-value?

Not to me.

First of all if you plan on BEING together long term but having a little break - don't add sex or other people to the mix. Do the break without that. OR at least while you both disentangle your shared finances.

Here is why. If you two CAN NOT make it work after being together for 5 years, adding sex with OTHER people will CERTAINLY not help it.

I think it's VERY rare that people can make "breaks" work. Think about it. And if they get to sample of "other" menus, how willing do you think EITHER of them are to put in the WORK?

So, personally... I think you two are dragging it out.

Self-help books are great for many thinks but YOU are the one who has to make the changes, reading a book doesn't do that for you.

BUT here is there thing, OP. You two can TRY it and see if it works for you. What else can you do? You can't FORCE her to stay as your GF, you can't FORCE yourself to be someone totally different.

My advice is this, IF you two want a "break" - treat it as a vacation from the relationship and the responsibilities in the relationship BUT DO NOT ADD sex with other people. If a marriage is not going so well, cheating CERTAINLY never helps fix issue. And while you two on a intellectual level can "agree" to have sex with others etc. - emotionally? It's NOT going to work. Let's say you sleep with 2 women on this break, you catch Herpes or Hepatitis A or B - which will be with you for the rest of your life. What then?

What if she totally by accident gets knocked up by some other guy?

ETC... there are WAY too many what if's that will complicate your lives - ALL for a little "break-sex".

So why make this so complicated? If you both want a future with each other but need a "vacation" - then do so without adding sex to the mix.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (17 March 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntIt would be interesting (for me, at least) to discover what ACTUALLY happens when one of you gets close to someone else. I am pretty sure things will not be as easy or as clear cut as you seem to think they will be.

It would ring alarm bells for me that you two don't seem capable of growing TOGETHER, of supporting each other in your growth. Instead you believe you need to separate, but NOT separate completely, to achieve this growth. The way forward you have agreed on seems like a great big car crash about to happen. Just MY opinion.

In your shoes, I would be deciding if I wanted this relationship or not. If I did, then I would be working on staying together (but allowing her space for her studies). If you have any doubts, then I would finish the relationship cleanly and properly, and find somewhere else to live. You need to remember that no decision is final and you can always get back together if you wish to in the future.

You are both in a sort of limbo at the moment, with the relationship being neither on nor off. You both seem afraid to let go but also unable to stay together. One (or preferably both) of you needs to be strong and make a proper decision here.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "Do the Aunts think this seems okay at face value?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0625209999998333!