A
female
age
30-35,
*azzie1
writes:I have a question is it normal for a guy to always make me feel like his the victim. The scenario is that I have been with a guy for more than 4 years who is not the father of my 2 boys..Some violent incidents have occured in the past were I actually don't feel safe living with him. He was living with me a year ago and I had to kick him out cuz he tried choking me and now he's telling me he's unhappy cuz he loves me and wants to build a family with me. I've told him that I dont believe that he would change and that I have to have my guards up. I just told him that it might not work because i"m tired of feeling pressured into doing something and he is always threatening me that eventually were gonna break up and meet other people. I /know this is the best for both of us but why does he say that is me cuz he's doing everything that he is supposed to..he feels like material things are everything which in all reality I don't need any man to do anything for me cuz I work and have my own place..this cannot be normal..for a minute I thought of even moving him into my apt but I'm glad I didn't..Are men that are abusive and violent always act like this?
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male
reader, RosesAreRed86 +, writes (5 November 2009):
Yes. That is kind of the definition of being abusive and violent. It is like asking, do all fat people have excess body weight.
A
female
reader, old-spinstah  + ♥, writes (5 November 2009):
Yes. It's very common for the abuser to blame the victim for everything that's gone wrong, sometimes even blaming the victim for causing the abuse to happen. Abusers do this because they need to convince themselves that they are the victims and absolve themselves of any responsibility for their actions.
Well done for leaving him and don't cave in now. As Caring guy says - men like this don't change.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): An abuser will continue to manipulate and act out violently until they get professional help. He cannot possibly "fix" his violent behavior on his own, even if he swears he's changed and wants a healthy relationship. Basically, he has some serious work to do. Before you even consider rekindling this dangerous relationship you should make sure he's getting help - seeing a therapist, going to AA if that's necessary, joining a support group, etc. The same is true for you - see a counselor regularly to make sure you're strong enough to handle dealing with this relationship.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy + ♥, writes (5 November 2009):
Yes, they do act like this. And they never change either. Well done for getting rid of him, for your sake and your kid's sake. How dare he suggest that it's your fault, and how dare he be violent towards you. He won't change, he'll still be violent and abusive. Abusive men are brilliant at manipulating, as you have found. Your ex has managed to do all the talking, but when it comes to it, he will hurt you again if you take him back. You can do so much better, so cut off all contact with him. He tried to choke you, don't even consider letting him back. Good luck.
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