A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner over 2.5 years. We are planning a future together, and so on. Lately, he's been working in a management position and says frequently that he is stressed by work.I don't know why, but he seems to have less tolerance for my "petty whinging" than usual. Don't get me wrong, I am like any person and like to have a whinge about people, work... etc. My boyfriend does this too, but he doesn't realize.- does your partner have less tolerance for your whinging when they are stressed / working long hours? - do you whinge about people you know or work with to your partner? - do you whinge about work? Do they listen? - are there times you just want to be by yourself? - ladies, are there times that you just don't feel like "you"? E.g. More emotion, more negative?My partner calls me negative, and he doesn't like that in me because he's worried that I'll get depressed. I tend to be someone who takes the problems of the world on my shoulders. I work in the human related field, and perhaps this explains why? He basically calls me negative because I whinge about things he does too!I don't know, do men tend to forget that they like to bitch and moan about things too? Or is it just less tolerable to hear it from a woman? I know I'm not perfect, but when he points out a flaw like "I'm negative" my mind starts to go to a dark place, and I get worried that he may move on with someone else. Am I being irrational? Or could he love me with my flaws too?
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (5 August 2011):
 The problem is your differences in comuunication.
I strongly suggest picking up the books by John Grey, especially "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", and read it. It saved my marriage and I think it could seriously help you learn how to talk to him and tell him your problems in a "masculine" way, so that he'll listen to you without thinking you're being negative or whining.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (5 August 2011):
 Every living person is a hypocrite, because we are all intimately familiar with our own problems, but not so with those of others. What that means is, when he whines, he believes his situation is honestly bad enough to be worth whining about; when he hears you whine, he doesn't see any of that reason in your problems.
So, for instance, if he hears you complaining about something a coworker said, he would think, "It's just a mean quip, nothing to get worked up over." But if he gets insulted, he would feel the emotion that goes with it, and think, "OK, this is bad enough to be worth complaining about."
Thing is, if he were writing in with the same question, I could say all the same stuff to him, only gender-flipped. It's one of many basic flaws in human nature, not a man/woman thing.
The good news is that once you know about it, you can work around it. You both see the same flaw in each other, and both need to acknowledge it in yourselves. Then, you need to channel the frustration from your lives in a more positive way.
Talk to him, and give this a trial run: set up a one-week time in advance where there will be no complaining at all. Instead, each of you should take active steps to notice each others' stress and do something to alleviate it, without actually complaining to each other. So when he comes home from work, rather than telling each other about your problems, you let him sit down, pour a glass of wine for the two of you, then take turns rubbing each others' shoulders for a few minutes. Do it quietly for the first few minutes, then start talking about weekend plans, or a book you're reading, or something else positive. No complaining. See how you feel by the end of the week.
Next, you can try a second week where complaints are not off limits, and where instead you agree ahead of time to listen to each others' complaints, but to keep it short and to the point so you can move on with your life. Dwelling on stuff feels good in the moment, but is bad for you long-term. Bonus points if you can turn your complaints into a joke, since refusing to take problems seriously is one of the easiest ways of making the problem not matter anymore - *if* you can both treat it lightly (won't work if just one does it).
Once you've tried these things, you can try to strike your own balance. The goal is for each of you to recognize both your own failings, and the need to accommodate the others person's failings - in a realistic and positive way. The balance that works for you may not be one of the above, those are just starting points.
As an aside, yes, I'm sure he loves you even with your flaws. When you're in a whining mood, it's easy to say negative things about even the people and things you enjoy. He doesn't really mean it.
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