A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone... I realy need objective advice, here. OK (((*deep breath*))) it's a bit of a long story... Been dating a guy for 6 months during which time I discoverred he had an alcohol problem. (Yikes) I supported him but then one night he ran away for the weekend with a female friend of his... Then he returned, claiming "nothing happened" 'n we continued dating....... A while back,it hapened again - he went out partying, clubbing, drinking, and didn't let me know where he is. I wondered if he was cheating... He checked into rehab. He was vocal about how great I've been to support him 'n that he truly loves me. Then,he came out of rehab but was distant. Once during a chat in person he didn't know how to answer when I asked what he likes about me. It really felt bad. The last time I saw him (2days ago...) He kept said if I wanna leave, I must and he had this odd look in his eye a few times... I dunno... Like, he was lookin at me for the 1st time 'n didn't like what he saw... I felt unloved! It has made me want to walk away. I realy love this guy, I do, and he needs me during his recovery (I have been there thru thick 'n thin), but I just dunno what 2 do. Do I choose me over him, even if it hurts him??? Am I selfish???? What if he relapses or kills himself 'coz I aint there or something? Will it be my fault??? I hav lots of bad thoughts about this all. Thanks for helping me.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 October 2014):
 Of course you chose himself over him, what kind of a question is this !?
He is not your fragile older parent, he is not your troubled adolescent son, he is not your lifelong davoted spouse who's just going through a rough patch- in which case your question would make some sense and you would actually have a moral dilemma.
He is just some random guy you met 6 months ago, who's not even been a good partner for you, has been ( much probably ) cheating on you, has disrespected you in several ways, and, after all... probably, as you perceive, does not even like you that much and stays with you... because you are the only one selfless ( or weak ) enough to put up with his antics !
So what if he hurts himself or kills himself ? ( I bet he won't, btw ) That would be on him, not on you. Because another thing you are NOT, is his shrink, his nurse or his legal guardian.
" But I loooove him " Sigh. Then you need to learn to love more wisely. Like, - love yourself first. It may be a cliche', but it's also true. If you don't love yourself, and aren't able to put yourself first when it's necessary, you can't really give love or share love- all you can give, is your codependency, your loneliness, your NEED to feel useful or important or validated through the help you give your partners. ( Who, at the end , end up resenting you for that - because everybody can use Florence Nightingale's help, but nobody wants to marry her or live with her ).
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (17 October 2014):
 Are you his girlfriend or his nurse?
I'd ask him what he meant by saying to you "If you want to leave, you must."
If he relapses or kills himself that's his problem and it is not your responsibility to be his therapist/counselor/mentor.
If I were you, I'd go find an Al-Anon meeting TODAY and go share your story with people who are dealing with the alcoholics in their lives. You may find that your story is not unique, nor are your feelings of being responsible for him.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/how-to-find-a-meeting
Go tonight! Get started on helping yourself. Once you understand things a bit better, you'll be able to make the best decision for yourself.
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