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Do I try to include my donor friend? Or be grateful for what he's offered and respect his wish for no involvement with the child??

Tagged as: Friends, Pregnancy, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 June 2016) 6 Answers - (Newest, 7 June 2016)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

My friend has offered to be a sperm donor , im single and have been for a quite a while i just havent met the right man .

i dont have time on my side and i suffer from pcos im slightly overweight due to pcos and weightloss is twice as hard. i keep myself in as best shape i can .

He doesnt have any children himself but hes decided he only wants to be a donor which is fine but he said he doesnt want to know if i manage to get pregnant he would donate so many times like for 4 month even after im pregnant just so he doesnt know when i managed to catch on he would easily notice if i was 5 months gone , were not very close friends anymore but speak almost everyday every week .

I've told him he can change his mind about anything , donating , contact and i wont mind but i worry hes going to miss out on the child growing up , were planning on getting our agreement in writing including i take full financial responsibility and we both agree to this including what will be told to the child.

Do i try and convince him to acknowledge the child as in if he definitely doesnt want contact he should at least have a few pictures.

He said he wouldnt mind not knowing the child or should i just be grateful hes willing to help me out ?

View related questions: overweight, sperm

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (7 June 2016):

Honeypie agony auntDoes this guy have traits, looks, etc that YOU want in a "donor" ?

One of my really good friends decided at 39 that she wanted a child, she didn't have a BF and didn't want to wait any further. She did go through a sperm-bank. She told me it was like "build-a -bear with a really odd twist" experience for her. As she could pick guy based on IQ, build, height, hair/eye/skin color, blood-type, also many had had psych evals and a short description of their personality traits were included. IT took her a few months to decide IF she really wanted to go through with it and which candidate to pick.

She now has a healthy 7 year old daughter.

Her only problem with the whole situation was how to adequately explain to her daughter WHY she didn't have a "dad" like most of her friends. Which in a sense is MUCH easier to explain when you don't know WHO he is, rather than... He doesn't want anything to do with us.

If your friend does have looks, traits, smarts etc. you want I'd make sure that piece of paper is made legal. And then I would treat HIM as a total anonymous donor. IF he wants nothing to do with the child, he/she doesn't NEED his picture or know his name. Because what would happen IF he/she recognized him and wanted to get to know him? And he wants nothing to do with the child?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2016):

im the op , im almost 41 and we just happen to get talking about stuff including children , easier said than done finding a man to be an actual dad , he offered to be the donor i didnt ask him . If i go ahead with this yes the piece of paper does count for something it'll have every scenario we can think of if he changes his mind like i've said id never stop him if he wanted to be involved, the talk with the child is going to be something we discuss about too , no matter how cold hearted it might sound about him not wanting to know there are softer ways to explain this .

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A female reader, Ciar Canada + , writes (6 June 2016):

Ciar agony auntWhy not find a man who actually WANTS to be a father and not just a donor?

Is there a reason you don't want your child to grow up with a father?

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A male reader, no nonsense Aidan United Kingdom +, writes (6 June 2016):

You need to respect his wishes, simple as that. He will know that you are pregnant and it is impossible to say if he will feel differently when the child is a living, breathing reality and not just an idea.

Having a child with some-one creates a tie between you, whether you conceive it conventionally or not and regardless of what's written on that paper.

Don't tell me a bit of paper is going to stop him if he develops feelings for the child. And don't think telling your child that his dad doesn't want to know if his feelings don't change will be easy and that it won't be upsetting to the child.

This has huge potential to get very messy. I think like Honeypie: if you want to go down the donor path, an official sperm bank is the way.

I wish you all the very best.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (6 June 2016):

Honeypie agony auntHonestly?

If you are JUST looking for a sperm donor, I'd go the "official" way with a sperm bank. He might say NOW that he doesn't want to know, and doesn't want to partake, but things can change. People change. And not always for the better.

And how are you going to explain it your your child? This man wants nothing to DO with you... or me... but he sorta wants to have some offspring....

I don't know... for me, I wouldn't choose someone like that for the father of my child. If I were to have a child with someone who will not be in the child's life I would do it in a more anonymous setting, for my sake and the sake of my child.

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A female reader, Andie's Thoughts United Kingdom +, writes (5 June 2016):

Andie's Thoughts agony auntHe's being helpful, but he's made it clear he doesn't want to know the child - don't push him. Don't give him pictures unless he someday asks for them - don't suggest any contact because he's already telling you no.

You want this baby, he doesn't - don't even ask any more because he's made his mind up and he could easily refuse if you try to convince him of something he doesn't want.

How are you not close friends if you talk every day?

Write up the contract *before* he donates and *you* keep track of the donation dates, so that you have everything recorded. Do *not* wait until you're pregnant and don't try to persuade him of anything.

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