A
male
age
41-50,
*ohn Caveman
writes:Quick history: I Met my wife 15 years ago. Two years ago I met my once-in-a-lifetime crush (I am in mid thirties and I have had my share of crushes, but this is way beyond anything I have experienced before). First year I tried to ignore/forget her. Didn't help. Then I tried to befriend her in hopes that the crush would evaporate (you see I am good at fooling myself...). No such luck. Current situation is that she knows about my feelings and we only see each other sometimes accidentally in cafeteria.She's perfect (yeah, I know...) and my marriage is far from perfect. Our 3 year old daughter keeps us together. We don't fight, but the spark is gone. Motivating myself to improve our relationship is difficult because I keep daydreaming about alternative possibilities.The big question is how can I move on? Asking her to give me I-am-not-interested-in-you answer didn't help. We talked after I told her I needed to block her in facebook/messenger etc. to move on. She said she never was interested in me romantically, but like true man-in-love I somehow suspected she said it because things were getting messy (see *).Now I have two choices:1. Keep ignoring/forgetting her and try to fill my mind with other things.2. Try to have some sort of friendship with her (assuming it's okay for her)Somehow I feel that option 1 could make things worse. By focusing on forgetting her I would actually make the whole issue bigger. What would happen if she broke up and confessed that she did indeed have feelings for me? I think it would be very difficult for me even after a long time because I would have been just hiding my feelings, not processing them.Option 2 is more complicated and it would be so easy to keep dreaming about her and tell myself that this is "just normal friendship". Why I see it could work is because it's still possible (but not that likely?) we would find a solution that works for everyone (I think my wife could accept the friendship. She was involved in similar situation earlier and knows about my crush).I would so much hate to learn after 50 years that what we had was mutual, but we both decided separately not to even try to be friends because of our other relationships. I don't know about her, but for me the whole thing has been so much beyond anything sexual that I would be perfectly happy knowing her as "just" friend.What should I do? Are there other options?(*) Why I think she _had_ feelings for me? We met first time when we were being photographed for company promo. The first thing we had to do was stare into each others eyes for minutes, so it was certainly situation that could cause some sparks to fly... Next we met month after the shoot. We talked some, but when she heard I had a child and wife she basically disappeared. Later other things happened that similarly made me think there was something going on. I know infatuated people seek the smallest clues to support their fantasy, but if I am on the right track then her break up of 7 year relationship 6 months after we met may have something do to with me...
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broke up, crush, facebook, move on, spark Reply to this Question
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male
reader, John Caveman +, writes (25 April 2010):
John Caveman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for reply LunaSkye!
Happiness of our child is high priority for me, so divorce isn't an option. Our marriage is not that hot, but it's improving.
Divorce would be an easy way out, but so is just forgetting her. It all depends on her feelings and thoughts too. She is now in committed relationship and I believe she wouldn't want to be involved in messy divorce anyway. If she never has had any major feelings for me then we are pretty much done no matter what I want (even just friendship).
The situation is different if she had any major feelings for me at some point. Then I think she might feel (like me) that it's bit unfair that we can't know each other at all because we are so interested in each other. If that's the case then I would like to see if there's a way to really be friends without hurting our other relationships.
I have no idea if that's possible. I believe my wife would accept the friendship because she has been involved in similar situation earlier and I think she would have preferred knowing the guy as a friend.
If there is a way then it must be based on very open communication about what we want and what our spouses accept.
Moving on by actively refusing to think about her and not communicating with her is what I have been doing past couple of months. It's not yet fully working (like now), but it will get easier, I know. Still, it feels like the easy way out... I solve complex issues in my work, so I assume there is better solution for everything. Is there?
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2010): Hi1. she is not interested in you2. she didnt break up her relationship for you3. you never mentioned real trouble with your wife4. of course you will feel sparks gazing into a womans eyes5. forget about her and avoid any contact6. THINK ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTERhope this helps
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2010): I had to reply because A. I never saw a Finland flag on here yet and B. I LOVE Finland! 3Okay, so I don't my advice would do you much help but here is my small two cents and I will leave the much more detailed and opinionated ones to the others.I am a product of divorced parents. My mum basically had an easy way out of her problems in my parents marriage because she had someone on the side motivating her decisions. You say your marriage has lost that spark- I mean, I could see why any marriage would go through that rough spot after so many years of getting close, comfortable, sharing major and minor experience and milestones. Where do you go after a certain point? I get it.So I think it is only natural that you would be so excited over this other girl. She is new and brings back that rush of feelings you had for your wife when you first met her. However, I personally feel from your post, this girl really does not have any interest in you. Or perhaps, even if she did, it is clear she does not want to be apart of the situation at hand or even the one that could potentially unfold to be a disaster. A man who is married seeking an escape. And there are children involved.My advice is that you need to get yourself out of this situation with this other women. Cut off all contact and give your marriage another fresh chance. Seek counciling, reminisce on dates and events that brought you together in the first place, join in on a project, try new sex positions... i dont know! haha. You need to be sure that if after giving your marriage a fair shot with no other distractions that there is no honest hope in continuing that path with her. It would then be best to consider other options- divorce.However, divorcing does not necessarily mean this other women would still be interested.Good luck! I hope whatever you decided to do, life works out for the best for you.=) Rock on Finland!
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