A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I love my boyfriend very much. I've been with him near two years with plenty of commitment on his part. But my heart is breaking because he can't let go of his ex girlfriend from four years ago.I know that everyone says - don't be second choice, move on etc etc. I have tried talking to him about it and he swears I have nothing to worry about. But he's always looking her up online to try find recent photos of her. I can't talk to him anymore about it because he gets angry because I don't believe him when he says there is nothing to worry about. I don't know what to do. He's perfect for me but I obviously am not for him if he cannot let go of her. What do I do? I'm thirty now, I couldn't face being single - never mind thinking of being without him. I fell for him the moment I met him even though we didn't start a relationship for months after. It hurts to think that this is why I might have to let him go. He doesn't talk about her or call me by her name or anything. But I can't keep telling myself that he just wants to see if she ha a gotten fat. There are no recent photos of her and he thought he saw her in the street recently but wasn't sure if it was her because if it was he said she'd let herself go. (I was sitting beside him and went to google on his phone and it came up last searches were for her). He said he hasn't seen a recent photo of her for years. Could it be that? The searching for her wasn't happening much up until he thought he saw her. Morbid curiosity?? Do I throw away all the good things I have with him for some facebook/google searches? He's so committed to me in every other way
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 June 2014):
 Some guys "get angry" when they've been found out. I think you got all the information you need(ed) from that conversation and his reaction to it.....
Good luck....
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2014): OP here. Thanks for your responses. I just had a talk with him, laid it out there that he needed to be honest with me and all that. He admitted that he doesn't really know but figures that there's something up with why he's so curious. I told him that he needs to sort it out whatever way he sees fit. He thinks it might be just unresolved issues because when I asked him if he wanted to get back together with her he said No straight away. I suggested therapy or if he feels he needs to see her and talk if it will help then to do that if he must. He's angry now...
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (9 June 2014):
If this has just started happening I'd chalk it up to curiosity. If this has been going on forever then he may still have a thing for her. Then again if it's not frequent it still could be curiosity.
I've looked up my exes on FB but have absolutely no desire to be with them. But the truth is that when you're with someone for a while they are a part of who you are. Then when you break up you're often expected to never talk of them, think of them, or see them ever again. I'm not sure if that's realistic though for some people.
I think breaking up with him may be overkill unless he tries to contact her. However by not breaking up with them you're consenting to this behavior.
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A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (9 June 2014):
 Hi, I think this is quite a normal reaction with anyone really who've split from their partners after a few years. I think he could just be suffering from 'curiosity' to see how her life has panned out. He still cares in a way that he'd like to see she's doing alright. If he wanted her back he would have made an effort towards that not stay on the sidelines just looking from afar. He has you now and he's very lucky that you love him. Try to concentrate on what you have. If he does something stupid to jeopardize your relationship he will regret that day won't he? Don't let it spoil your life, you could be in danger of also being obsessed with his X . Hope this helps
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A
female
reader, petina1 +, writes (9 June 2014):
Hi, I think this is quite a normal reaction with anyone really who've split from their partners after a few years. I think he could just be suffering from 'curiosity' to see how her life has panned out. He still cares in a way that he'd like to see she's doing alright. If he wanted her back he would have made an effort towards that not stay on the sidelines just looking from afar. He has you now and he's very lucky that you love him. Try to concentrate on what you have. If he does something stupid to jeopardize your relationship he will regret that day won't he? Don't let it spoil your life, you could be in danger of also being obsessed with his X . Hope this helps
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 June 2014):
From my "guy" point of view.... my opinion is that your "boyfriend" has not (yet?) disengaged from his past girlfriend.... and probably continues to hold out hope that - some time - he will be able to re-kindle things with her.
THAT leaves you in the precarious position of being his "stand-in" girlfriend.... subject to his dumping you - quickly and unceremoniously - if, or when, he gets any hope from his "ex-"
I wouldn't encourage you to be passive in all this. Tell him: "Hunchy-bunchy, It's my belief that you do - and will continue to - hold out hope that there can be something there with your ex-. As long as that exists - as evidenced by your continued lurking on the fringes of her life.... then I am not going to tolerate that. Soooo, the gist of this conversation is, make a choice... her or me.... and stick by that choice.... and - if that choice is me - then cut off all communications, AND LURKING, around and about her. Is that perfectly clear?"
If he sez that it's NOT (clear)... then you will have gotten a CLEAR message of his intentions.... which will just cement your decision to dump his a$s....
Good luck...
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