A
male
age
41-50,
*vanD
writes:I live in the UK and I have family in the USA. I joined my family on a holiday last year and also joining them was a close family friend I'd never met before. She's a few years younger than me but not too young. During the week, we got on really well, found each other funny and had long talks in the evenings about lots of personal stuff.By the end of the week, we made out, then I had to fly home. Lots of texting/Skyping followed, and I flew out about 5 weeks later to spend 1 week with her. It started a little tense but by the end of the week it was wonderful. We both said we wanted to be together and the idea of me trying to move out there was discussed, briefly, but without a conclusion.In the following month, when I was back in the UK, she seemed to suddenly shut down on me and was no longer keen on the idea. Family members who know her suggested that she had just freaked out and couldn't handle the intensity of the whole thing. It's worth noting that she's been very hurt and very let down by several people in the past and has had a very difficult family life as a child and had some traumatic experiences. So, perhaps theres an issue with avoiding something that might really hurt her?Anyway, I flew out again about 2 months later and basically told her my feelings were as strong as ever. Strangely, she reacted badly and just shut me down. She kept sayig 'Forget it - it wouldn't work". She later acknowledged that she reacted badly and was a little insensitive.So, I go home and spend the next 9 months struggling with the whole thing. I felt in limbo. But I slowly started to reach a place where I was at least dealing with a little better, even though my feelings were still exactly the same. Communication between us during this time was almost non-existent and I had convinced myself that she was no longer interested, which was helping me to move on a little.Then, I fly out again for the following years family holiday, which she cannot attend this time. But on the 2nd day, she calls me, asks me if Im dating (I tell her Im not and that it's because she's the one I want). She proceeds to tell me how she is seeing someone but that he doesn't compare to me and that the relationship might not last, that just hearing my voice makes her feel sad, and other things that suggest she still feels the same way!So all of a sudden, all of my progress towards getting over it is undone, in one intense conversation. I told her that I want to be with her and that last year I was ready to drop everything and fly over on a 6 month visitors visa and see how things went from there.One of the key things here, is that she’s freely admitted then and now, that if I lived in the US that she would definitely want a relationship with me. But for her, the practical stuff, the immigration issues, the whole uncertainty of how we could make that work is a huge problem. I think in her head it offers only insecurity and worry. Whereas for me, I just know what I feel, I know what I want, and I feel confident that I can figure the rest out. I worry less about it and I’m happier to take the risk of not having it mapped out.Ive been heartbroken before and I’ve handled both occasions, I think, in a healthy, normal manner. Im generally very independent, very happy being single and not in any way needy when it comes to relationships. I can normally take them or leave them (and that has been the problem with serious relationships Ive had in the past - my girlfriends never felt wanted enough).But this - this is something altogether different. Ive never felt something like this before and honestly never thought I could. Genuinely, this feels like a once in a life-time meeting. Given that I’ve never met anyone who comes close to this, and I'm now in my 40’s, thats a reasonable assumption to make. Not being with her feels like an incredibly wrong situation - that it’s not supposed to be like this.How can I possibly go and date other women when I know exactly who it is I want? Dating another woman would feel like a massive lie because I’m dating someone who isn’t the person I really want. I will be meeting her (still in the US) tomorrow, before flying back home. Ive no idea what she is gong to say - I strongly think that she is just coming because she'd like to see me to say hello and nothing more. What should I do? Should I tell her again that Im prepared to move out here for her? Should I not say any more of that stuff and just keep it light and forget the whole thing?Im really stuck and really stressed. I have a headache and just don’t know either how to get her or how to forget her. I really believe she feels deeply for me, but is to scared. And she now has a boyfriend too :(
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (3 August 2015):
 My guts says to let her go (I know, not an easy thing to do) BECAUSE she has chosen to DATE someone else. I think she doesn't have the FAITH in you two to take the plunge.
She might have started dating this guy to avoid going forward with you. Because IF she does (go forward) it involve a LOT sacrifices - from both of you. She might not be ready or willing to do that.
Sorry.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2015): Telling her more would be encouraging her to cheat on her partner (I sincerely hope you don't go down this route).
You've told her how you feel. You've told her you want her.
I think you've said more than enough.
Let her figure it out for herself.
ps: It is interesting indeed. I'm like that with relationships too and I find I crave the ones that I can't have the most. The ones I CAN have-I usually am like "meh" and just go with the flow without stressing too much. I've analysed and addressed this within myself though. I think you should too.
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