A
female
age
26-29,
*onflictedlady
writes:Hi everyone.Last year, I graduated from college, and I seem to have had an issue with a guy I slept with one time. Basically, I came into college as a virgin, dated one guy for a bit, and then was single for the remainder of college. It was a small liberal arts college and there were very few options. Anyway, towards the last two months of college, some guy who had sort of a douche vibe started coming onto me, and I thought to myself, it might be fun to have some practice sex on someone before I graduate. I wound up hooking up with him and never spoke to him after graduation. I thought nothing of it.A year later, the guy came out of nowhere and started messaging me on Instagram, saying that I was “so hot”, and how he was going to be in the area, and how he’s “pay to have sex with me”. He then said that it was great that I had a “tight vag”, and not a “loose soup can sized one”. He then named some girls he had sex with and said I was a “great fuck”. I grossed out and blocked him, but I did look at his Instagram first before doing so, and it turns out he had a very wholesome looking girlfriend. Seriously, the girl has pictures of her Harry Potter books on the shelves. I was tempted to send the girl a message and he like, look, your boyfriend is fucking disgusting, but I thought that they’d probably break up like most couples do. However, a few months later, they wound up getting engaged! At this point, I kind of wonder if I should send the girl and message and be like, this guy is an asshole, and he was sexting me while he was seeing you. Seriously, I can’t imagine loving someone and then sending disgusting messages to someone else. Even so, why would any man be repulsive enough to make those comments to someone? It’s misogenistic and vile, and honestly, if he thinks that way about me, I can’t imagine how he views women in general. I feel sorry for the girl.I don’t know...should I contact her? Should I leave it alone?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2019): Going after the girlfriend would be nothing short of spiteful and creepy! What has she done to you? What does she need from you?
I've been around the block a few times; and I know exactly what happens when former FWBs, ex-girlfriends, and played sex-partners go after current girlfriends. She will only see you as a scornful witch out to breakup her relationship out of jealousy. She will wonder what kind of nutcase you are for trying to contact her in the first-place? She will despise you, she will not feel grateful for you bringing her scandal about her boyfriend! It's your word against his; even if you show her his messages. SHE WILL HATE YOU!
She will only think you're trying to get him back for yourself!
He will put on his best performance to make you look like a psycho-witch (word substitution used here).
It's not saving her. You don't know her, and all your compassion for a stranger you've never met is a bunch of hooey! Remember how and why you met? He was just somebody to boink and you thought he was a douche. Let her deal with it, he's her boyfriend and not your problem. Thanks for asking before taking any action. I think you were wise to get some opinions first.
A
female
reader, Conflictedlady +, writes (13 December 2019):
Conflictedlady is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much for the comments everyone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2019): I actually disagree with the other answers on here. If I were engaged to this guy I would want to know everything before we are married...even if I then choose to ignore it. Perhaps just send a copy of the messages with the date they were sent to her. She can then make up her mind what to do with that information. I don think you should just stand by while someone else gets hurt.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2019): Your opinion of the douchie-guy is spot-on; but unless he continues messaging you, you have no reason to bother his girlfriend. Should he send another message before you block him; you could send him a warning-shot first. "Keep this up, and I'll tell your fiance'!"
Otherwise, block him! Keep the messages already received in a folder, as proof of his unwanted propositions. Should you have to report him to the police for sexual-harassment, and sending you suggestive messages.
She has nothing to do with any of this. You don't know her. Unless you caught an STD from the guy, you have no justifiable reason to contact her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2019): Y'all are cold! Does no one have a sense of responsibility? Even if this girl is annoyed of doesn't believe you (you have screenshots though) she deserves to know who she's marrying!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2019): I do not agree. I think she has a RIGHT to know what kind of an ASSHOLE she will be spending her WHOLE LIFE with! You, by being HONEST, will save her from a lifetime of misery with this creep. Because these guys don't change. He will keep cheating on her throughout their marriage because he thinks it's his God given right! He enjoys having a good girl for a wife while chasing all the rest for meaningless lays. It is so not fair to this girl. I would want to know before proclaiming my life long commitment to this man before God, my family and friends. This is not a dress rehearsal. This is her LIFE.
Yes she will be hurt. Yes she will go through a tough time. But it's better now than after years spent with this man. Don't you take out your garbage right away or do you let it fester for years?
I believe she does not know his Mr. Hyde persona, which he takes great pains to hide from her. It's the bad boy side and likely narcissistic that seeks out more and different sex. He must treat her well enough and show consistent interest in her and her life, so much so that she would never suspect his hobby on the side is recreational sex. So many men are capable of separating their stable life from their fun life. I will bet he charms her just as he charms his conquests. She is young and naive and has fallen for his bullshit. I think she is also young enough to move on without this piece of shit. He isn't worthy.
If you have screenshots of your conversations it will be much easier to back up your words with proof. Do you have evidence, OP?
I think his girlfriend has no idea and she needs to know. Remember, it's her life and marriage is a very SERIOUS commitment!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (11 December 2019):
 Honestly?
I have to agree with the other two Aunties and ignore it.
The thing is you found out JUST how "douchy" he was BEFORE you even slept with him, and then from a few crass messages on Social media. IF you can tell what kind of guy he is from THAT little interaction, SHE knows what kind of guy he is.
Here is what would happen if you contact her, she listen, ask her BF who you are and he will paint this "she is some crazy chick who I made a mistake and slept with a long time ago and she is lying. The GF who KNOWS what kind of guy he is, will STILL choose to believe him.
Why do I say that? Because I have seen it happen MORE times than not here on DC.
And I get that you feel sorry for her for having such a Piece of Crap of a BF, but she is CHOOSING to date him.
I have no doubt that a guy who would act like that online can't hide that he is a "douche" to her face.
Hopefully, she will wise up ALL on her own.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek + ♥, writes (11 December 2019):
 I agree wholeheartedly with Anonymous123. Unless you know the girl personally and consider her a friend, I'd leave things alone and thank your lucky stars that you aren't engaged to the guy. Even if you would tell her its unlikely that she'd believe a stranger. The guy would tell her that you were stalking him or were some psycho. He'd lie and make it out like it was all you. Let it go and block him.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 December 2019):
 Leave her alone. She probably knows he's an asshole and is choosing to turn a blind eye. If not, let her find out on her own time. This guy is a clever, conniving creep and when push comes to shove, who do you think she'll trust? Her fiance or some random girl she doesn't know? The guy will convince her somehow that you were the one pursuing him!
In situations like this, it's best to look after yourself. Thank your stars is not you who's life is getting ruined. Block him, forget about him and just move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2019): Well if it were me, I'd want to know. It would hurt and be horrible but I'd rather know now, because I guarantee you're not the only one who got those messages.
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