A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:How do you tell your friend now boyfriend you was put in a bad position on a date and dont trust new men around you or talking to you?I had a really bad experience not that long ago and only told 1 person but i dont want to bug them with my problems . i dont want to have to keep talking to the same person every time i dont feel safe its not fair on them even tho i know they will listen . I have since got with my other friend and started up a relationship , i can only do this because i trust him so much . I want to tell him but im worried this could affect us as weve only just got together and he might feel im not ready even tho i am with him. do i tell him my ' issue ' or keep it between me and my other friend?i dont want to lose my new boyfriend Reply to this Question
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 December 2016):
 If you don't trust men then how are you possibly ready to be with him? If you have trust issues you need to work on them on your own with the help of a therapist or counselor. It sounds to me like you are kidding yourself saying you are ready to date. As entering in to a relationship being a victim will be hard for you both to deal with. You need to work on your problems first.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (12 December 2016):
 You can tell him, eventually. It sounds like maybe you should wait a bit though, you seem unsure. And, it's a brand new relationship, you do run the risk of ruining a good start by coming forth with heavy problems. Then again I fully understand the need to talk to someone about this, and you most definitely should talk about it!
If it helps, you can private message me or another aunt you are in touch with on here. Sometimes just telling another person, even if it's a stranger online, can help. Writing about it also helps.
I would also suggest you look up therapists or councelors in your area. Even a priest can help you with listening to you, and offer helpful suggestions/ask you about it. Talking to someone in confidentiality helps. Together with this other person, be that a friend, an agony aunt, therapist of a priest, you can decide when the time is right to tell your new boyfriend.
And remember, while it is important that you tell him, and it is important for you to be able to talk to him about it, he is just a human with no training in handling traumatic experiences. Unless he has experienced something similar himself, he will not be able to relate. You might not get much of an answer from him, as he might not understand.
I have an abusive father, and I have told all my boyfriends in the past about how I grew up. They never understand. They often underestimate it, as they've never experienced it themselves. They never talked to me about it after I told them, they never asked any questions. You can say, they weren't supporting me with more than knowing about it. And it wouldn't "dawn" on them until my father would do something crazy and they'd see it for themselves. Only then did they understand a little, and only then, after those particular episodes, were they able to offer support. For that limited time right then and there.
For more than a listening ear, for someone who will ask you about it, for someone to understand and have the knowledge to ask the right questions and understand the scope of what you went through, you need to either talk to a professional therapist or find a support group for people who went through the same as you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2016): You do need to try and 'get over' this bad event, though 'get over' sounds too clinical. Have you talked to your friends about the bad experience? Is it causing problems with your intimacy with your boyfriend or in other parts of your life? If so, maybe you should consider getting professional help, leaving this issue unaided could make things worse for you.
In any case, your new boyfriend will understand, really. There's no easy way to bring it up, maybe if you find yourselves in a conversation about personal feelings or experiences, then that's a good time. But if your bad experience is getting in the way of your relationship moving on, it's better to talk to him about it sooner rather than later.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (12 December 2016):
 Amen to WiseOwlE's answer.
Stop playing the "victim" of some misdeed in your past. NOT all men will do what the asshat in the past did. YOU can not CARRY that around and live in a state of "fear" that someone else will do it too!
It's not healthy.
SHIT happens. LET it go. Take it as a lesson. If someone treats you badly, it's NOT a reflection of YOU, but the one who mistreated you and the longer you carry that "hurt" around the more POWER you give that moron.
Would you want a guy you were dating worry that you might cheat because his EX did? NO. You would want HIM to judge you on YOUR merit, not some stupid stranger from the past, right?
My guess is you REALLY want to tell him so he can try and convince you that he will NEVER do that to you. Truth is, you just don't know. He doesn't know either.
In short? IT DOESN'T do you any good. There are NO guarantees that it won't happen again, but if you live your life constantly waiting for the "other shoe" to drop, YOU will be miserable! And who wants that?
Chin up. Write the story from the past down in a journal or on a piece of paper and LET it go. Write how it made you feel, and how you need NOT take responsibility for other people's actions.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (12 December 2016):
 If you feel like it's too soon and you don't want to scare him away with the information, I would keep it vague/broad, that you need to take it slow because building trust takes time for you. I would also encourage you to talk to a counselor about it because it sounds like it has affected you and you do not have many outlets to process the events.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2016): To you and other OP's. Leave your damn baggage behind you, or don't start a new relationship. Get over your issues before starting something new; because people are not obligated to put-up with your drama or your past traumas. That's what counselors and therapists are for.
It's okay to share your past; but not to show how damaged you are, or to portray yourself as some kind of victim. Insecurities and trust-issues kill relationships.
If people take the risk of opening their hearts to you, forsaking others; do they not deserve the best you can offer in return?
Finding a match is to make a love-connection and to build a healthy and thriving relationship. We all go through failed relationships. You have to. How else will you learn and figure-out what it is you need in a relationship, and what it is you can offer anybody else?
There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. People pretend for others that all is perfect, but they are liars and pretenders. We all argue, disagree, make mistakes, and can be selfish. It's human-nature.
If you cannot put your past and whatever some other asshole did to you behind you, you are not ready to start a new relationship. Then you'll be the asshole ruining the life of someone who has put their past behind them, and willing to give you a chance.
I can only speak frankly and directly; because it takes a lot of therapy and time for some people. Some try to forgo fixing their problems first; but try to use other people to fix themselves. They can't. A romantic-relationship is not an alternative to psycho-therapy. If that's what you really need.
Deal with your trauma and your baggage first. Enter relationships healthy, mature, and ready to take risks.
You must start with a clean slate. No shortcuts.
Your other man is your past, not your present. No, Mr. Now doesn't need to know about the other guy; because he is your priority now. You regain your power, when you take back the power over your life and emotions from those who robbed us of it. Get over your past and move into your future; when you are healthy and ready. Not a moment sooner.
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