A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have just joined a dating site and all is going well . My best friend met a guy on a night out and started seeing each other , even tho there is no official 'label' between them (boy/girlfriend) He did say to her and she agreed they would see how things go . The issue is i know this guy is on the same dating site as me . I have my pictures on private so doesnt know im on there and that i have seen him . Should i advise my friend to not just stick to him or tell her i know hes on the dating site . I dont want her being used . Her last relationship she was in with her now ex was extremely violent , even tho this was a few years ago she is now ready for a relationship, what should i do / say ? thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2017): Of course you tell her!
I would explain to your friend that you know her man's profile is still up, but you have no idea if he is still actively looking for anyone (because you don't, right?)
Then I would offer to stay incognito, and say if you don't tell him right away that you know, we could monitor the situation together and see if he takes it down in a month if you guys are still together.
Or your friend could just innocently ask him if he is still on the dating website and see what he says?
I would definitely tell her! But I would explain that it doesn't necessarily mean the worst!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2017): I know for certain one of my friends actually unsubscribed from a very popular dating site several months ago. He said he was just curious and went back online; and found his pic and profile were still active! He was furious! He isn't dating anyone in particular; but if he was, they would have thought he was lying.
If they have not become official, I don't think you have any right butting in under your suspicions. Presuming the worst and not knowing the guy at all.
How do you know if she doesn't have an active profile somewhere too? She doesn't have to share all her secrets with you. Some things should remain private.
I think you should keep the information handy and under wraps for the time being. Let them officially declare where their relationship stands before prematurely killing something just in the infant stages of development. She could mistake your help for envy.
Don't be overprotective and assume your friend isn't aware of what she's doing. Sometimes good intentions go completely sour; especially when people are only in the process of getting acquainted and not certain of where they wish to take things.
I have to defend men on many occasions; because things do get a little sexist; presuming men are inherently evil, and always up to no good. I see all people capable of sin and deception. Being female doesn't stop people from taking advantage of others, or inoculate you from attempting manipulation.
Hold things until you know for sure if he's leading her on.
Then present the truth in full glory! If she's been burnt before; she's already on high-alert. Give her some credit for having a brain, and being capable of handling things herself.
If she's too fragile and naive, she shouldn't be dating in the first place. You have to be wise and vigil, and learn from your own mistakes.
Personally, I'm not paranoid (nor foolish) and prefer giving people benefit of the doubt before prejudging them to be bad. Especially when I don't know a thing about them! That's why I have no enemies!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (11 February 2017):
 How long have they been dating?
Personally, I think it's OK to have a profile up until there IS an actual relationship going on, and BOTH have agreed to be exclusive.
If it's been more than 3 months and they are ONLY seeing each other, then yes, I'd tell her.
I would NOT advise her anything about the relationship, just let her know that you came across his profile - SHE can take it from there. I don't think it's your job to suggest she should or shouldn't stick with him over this. Especially if you don't know IF he is active on the dating site, but telling her:" you know I came across his profile" I think is OK.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (11 February 2017):
 If you are sure he is active on there (and that this is not just an old profile he hasn't got round to removing), then tell her. Absolutely.
She may actually be ok with the information, as they have possibly not agreed to be exclusive, but she has a right to be in possession of the full facts.
If she is NOT ok about him being on the dating site, be prepared to support her afterwards and help her move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 February 2017): If I was your friend I would thank you if you showed me the site and his profile. If he messes her about or cheats what are you gonna do...pretend you never knew? Just be honest and say you were worried he was online. What she does with the info is up to her. At the point of telling her step away and just support her.
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