A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex and I have now been broken up for a year. He moved to a different state for a job which prompted a lot of arguing between us so we broke it off. We've kept in close contact and although we've both dated multiple people, we've recently admitted we still have feelings for each other.One of the arguments we had was the number of guys I had slept with. He had only slept with 2, I had slept with 5. He felt I wasn't the kind of girl he saw himself with and told me it really bothered him and he thought about it often.My issue now is that in the past year since we've been broken up, I've slept with 2 guys, both of whom I had been dating for months. My problem is this - if we decide to get back together or start the conversations about it, is this something I should tell him? Part of me feels like it isn't his business what I did when we weren't together and he doesn't have a right to know especially since I know he will judge me and it will only bother him more. But on the other hand, it may be something that I feel like I'm hiding from him down the road and I wouldn't want any lies between us. Would he deserve to know if we got back together?
View related questions:
get back together, got back together, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 Just moral values differences ?
Ok.Suppose it's that, moral values differences.
But if so, why insisting in trying to fit a square peg in a round hole ?
If these moral values differences keep popping up, and cause intense brooding , rifts and recurrent problems in the couple, ( as apparently they do ) then they are IRRECONCILIABLE moral values differences and the smartest thing is to stay away from each other. Unless the two people can respectfully agree to disagree and leave it at that forever.
If you are a capitalist, don't date Fidel Castro.
If you are an animal rights activist , don't date a furcoat-maker.
If you are a Native American... don't date Gen. Custer.
Isn't that pretty intuitive ?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just wanted to take a second to thank everyone who wrote back to me! I was really happy to read so many different perspectives and genuinely appreciate all of them. I agree that I shouldn't lie if directly asked but that I also shouldn't voluntarily offer the info. Thanks all, take care :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2015): If you two broke up for an entire year, and this entailed him moving to and being in an entirely different state during that time, then no, it is none of his business what you did. If I had a boyfriend, broke up with him and moved away and then rekindled something a whole year later, I wouldn't even ask much less expect that this person was sitting around waiting for me. I would assume that he had been with another woman at some point so I wouldn't even ask. I might ask, however, if he dated or was dating anyone in particular. But I wouldn't pry any further than that. If it had only been a month or two since we broke up then perhaps I would ask and feel hurt if he had slept with someone else. But a year?! No way. You two don't need to be keeping tabs on what happened that year. You two were through with each other and free to do as you pleased. It's a moot topic of no consequence, it does not need to come up.
...............................
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 You either are the kind of girl he sees himself with, or not. He doesn't get back with you then change the story and say, "oh, now you are the kind for me because I happened to add some numbers to my list." You said you both dated multiple people. Do you believe he slept with none of them? So if he dates a girl in the future who has three fewer people she dated or has sex with, is he less moral than her?
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2015): As usual, everyone assumes that the boyfriend's problem with her list of other sex partners is due to jealousy.
The OP never put it that way. Her description makes it sound more like moral values differences.
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 March 2015):
 Heh, if I were you, I wouldn't get back together with the guy. Why are you apart to begin with? That's a big deal, and if he's acting jealous over your past, I wouldn't be surprised that the reason you broke up has to do possibly with that jealous trait he has.
Think long and hard before going back to a troubled relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 March 2015):
 You ask: "is this something I should tell him? "
No... it's none of his business....
Good luck....
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2015): There is only one thing that will make this worse for him than your having slept with more guys. That is if he discovers in the future that you have lied to him about it. As bad as you think it is when he knows the truth, it will be twice that bad if he finds out you have lied to him. Women typically underestimate how important the trust issue here is to men. You need to walk a fine line between not volunteering anything more than necessary but not lying. Being so misleading that you are lying for all intents and purposes also counts as a lie. If he brings it up then say "I don't want to discuss what I did while we were broken up."
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (6 March 2015):
I'll be more drastic than my colleagues and I'll reply that the problem was before, it's not not now ( if telling what happened or not ) .
He felt you weren't the kind of girl he could see himself with- BECAUSE you were 3 sexual experiences ahead of him, and that this really bothered him.
Ditch the guy. You got yourself an RJ ( retroactive jealousy ) sufferer and you can't ever win with those guys.
1 ) If you volunteer the info, he'll feel even LESS that you are the kind of girl who blah blah, because if he felt like that when you were at 5 exes, he will feel it even more now that you are at 7, and he will have two more guys to obsess about and wonder " were they better than me, was their penis bigger than mine etc. "
2 ) if you don't volunteer the info ,and in fact choose to tell him :none of your business pal, he will freak out thinking that for you to keep mum , they must have been TWENTY more .
3 ) if you avoid the issue and do not bring it up, but , directly asked (...and he will ask, sooner or later ) and say the truth , it's back to option 1 ).
4 ) if when asked, you lie, and say : 0 other men, he 'll doubt it anyway, and when eventually he'll find out the truth, during an argument , or because your conscience w bothers you etc.,... he will have the satisfaction to say : Ah-ha ! You are a slut, AND a liar too !
You just can't win with RJ people- MY personal take on the subject is, that if you know them, you avoid them, because nothing good can come out of dating one eventually- other than maybe for us Dear Cupiders, .... one more RJ thread on DC....
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2015): You should not tell him anything about your sexual past apart from him. You should keep silent on that not because it's none of his business but because building a fresh new start requires wiping the past sins out of the future. Building a committed future requires letting go of the past and one best way of telling your partner that you are letting go of the past is not to ask what their sexual past is. So your line of argument with your guy is to focus on tje future, that it needs a clean slate and not asking about the past means you are letting go of it and starting clean. Arguing whether it's his business or not is not focusing on future but dwelling in the past which none of you can now change.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 March 2015):
 Well he's already shown issues of retroactive jealousy and judgement concerning your prior sex partners. It's not going to change. He is not going to change. IT'S STILL going to be an issue for him.
Not sure why you broke up but if it was anything other than distance, unless that issue has been resolved, there is nothing new to try as the problems that caused the break up will still be there.
Now as to what to tell him, I do not believe in lying. I don't believe you should offer the information but if he asks I would say something along the lines of
"never ask a question you don't want the answer to, are you sure you want to know?" then if he says yes
tell him the truth. and accept that if he can't cope, then you two have a fundamental difference of opinion concerning sexuality.
...............................
A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (6 March 2015):
I would suggest that you don't initiate the conversation, but if the topic is discussed you shouldn't lie to him. Mostly for the simple fact that you have nothing to hide. How he deals with him then is his issue. But don't lie to him or hide it from him. There shouldn't be any guilt involved, if you intend to get together with this guy.
...............................
|
