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Do I stop making our favorite food because it bothers our 80 year old neighbor?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Health, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (26 April 2016) 15 Answers - (Newest, 27 April 2016)
A female Canada age , anonymous writes:

Hello

We live in an apartment building and are a mid aged couple.

I cook for my husband on daily basis, we are both Canadian.

We really enjoy curry and maybe twice a month I will cook it.

My neighbour who is in her 80s and frail health mentioned that the smell of curry triggers her asthmatic breathing problems.

I get that this is a food issue but curry is my husbands and I favourite food.

We really enjoy it but as I repeat I cook it no more than twice monthly but obviously there is the strong smell.

We do have a fan in the kitchen but no window.

We both enjoy spicy food and I do cook other spicy food and add spices to that so it gives off an odour and not necessarily curry.

Husband is in his 60s and works hard and at our age we don't have much, apartment life, no pension, he works in a factory, I work in health care part time.

The neighbour who is German has not directly complained to me about any smell, also nobody else on the landing has because it rarely does smell bad but today she has mentioned this.

While I care for her health, I would not want my cooking to trigger any health problem but int he same breath we want our curry.

The walls are thick, old building and concrete, so think it is almost soundproof. Building was built back in the 60s.

The worry is if I make a curry she may complain and our landlord may consider us a nuisance and we may get thrown out.

He will obviously favour the poor 80 plus year old with the health problem.

Please give advice. Should we stop the curry but even if we do ... we still enjoy spicy foods and I use spices maybe twice a week in meals.

There is no window in kitchen but we do have an overhead powerful fan.

Please advise.

With thanks.

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A female reader, boo22 United Kingdom +, writes (27 April 2016):

boo22 agony auntTake her a nice cake or something, talk to her and be light hearted about it. Tell her how much you don't want to upset her and see what she says.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (27 April 2016):

Honeypie agony auntWell if she works part time, COOK a bit batch of curry when she is at work? I'd really talk to her and see if you can perhaps "plan" when to cook. So it will be a win/win.

That way you still get to cook and eat something you love and by the time she gets home there shouldn't BE any "offensive" odors.

(and Yes, Cindy home made Sauerkraut "stinks" when being cooked lol but not so bad anyone felt sick.)

Unfortunately, when you live in a stairwell kind of building, you have neighbors REALLY close and trying to get along can be vital unless you like drama.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (27 April 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt I don't know about Germans... I thought that nobody liked lingering food smells ! I mean, food smell delicious and enticing while it is been cooked, or just fresh out of the stove... but if you can't /won't air up the place, wait a few hours and, ohmyGod. Personally I find nothing more energizing than the aroma of freshly brewed hot espresso coffee in the morning , the key word being freshly brewed. But, just leave it there with no ventilation, and it will turn into this stale, acrid thing vaguely reminding of the refectory room in some dickensian orphanage or poorhouse.

I think the problem is not if lingering food smells are pleasant or unpleasant, I am pretty sure that most people finds them unpleasant. Particularly other people's because naturally after a while one becomes used or insensitive to the smell of their own cooking.

The problem is , when living with / close to other people ... do we prefer being right or getting along.

It's a willing choice, because while buildings, and whole cities even, have rules about noise, and about rest hours , so you know when you can or cannot play the piano, switch on your washer and dryer, throw a party etc... so far I have never known of rules about smells.

Well, yes, obviously one can't produce toxic , poisonous fumes , like the combustion of certain chemical products. But what about a nice pot of stewed peppers ? Cod fritters ? ? Aioli soup ( a French garlic soup ) ?...

On one hand, in lack of specific vetoes, you are in your own home and you can do anything you want. You are not breaking any law so if the neighbours feel you are stinking up the place, ... too bad for them. You are entitled to produce any ( non toxic ) smells you want.

On the other hand,.... how comfortable you are knowing that you are bothering your neighbours and subjecting them to something unpleasant ?... Once they have told you, and you know, it gets iffy- because if you choose to ignore their complaint, any time you cook your curry, or aioli, or fried fish, it's like you are showing them your middle finger , and telling them " F ..k you ! For all I care, you can CHOKE yourself on my smells ! " Two curries a month,

( or any other very odorous dish ) makes 24 " F...k you " a year... Not very neighbourly...

In your case , unluckily you don't have much choice, if this lady puts it like a health issue . Whether she has a real health problem or not, curry CAN trigger asthma attacks, so what if she does have a serious asthma attack, ends up at the E.R. and ( says ) it's your fault ?... Things would get very complicated with her, and the landlord, who knows maybe even under a legal profile... too much hassle for a bowl of curry.

BUT , even if she ( or another neighbour ) did not have a serious health concern, and made it just a matter of personal inconvenience or discomfort ...I think it goes back to the above mentioned question : do you prefer to be right, or to get along ? The answer will necessarily be very individual and dictated by one's personality and living conditions.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Yes Tisha

The building is very old, built in the 1960s hence the walls being solid.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hello

As I said we do have a ceiling fan that works well in the kitchen and in all fairness I usually cook curry about twice a month. Sometimes I use the jars because I cant afford all the ingredients for a Thai curry but I will still be chopping onions and garlic then pour the jar contents in.

But I know what you are saying about the other type of curry. I do have a cupboard with lots of Indian spices in and occasionally I make the curry from scratch and of course then it smells stronger.

I have heard ( nothing against Germans ) that in general the German does not like lingering food smells. It is very hard for them to tolerate.

So with this info I did google and sure enough there are headings which ask about this and even a forum.

Please do not get the impression that this lady is frail and a little old lady that sits in her rocker.

I do recognise she's elderly 80 plus, but she is mobile, takes daily walks, strong built, has a part time job in the hospital, she fell recently so she sold her car so up until the last month she has been driving.

She takes her scooter now to the store, she's 100% cognitive, and if I didn't know better I would say she was 65.

As she has not mentioned that she can smell any curry I think I will use all 3 fans, ceiling, stand up fan, and portable fan.

But in all this, I sometimes make meals and add spices which are strong.

I also have googled asthmatic triggers and see many things that could trigger an attack.

My husband and I do not smoke but can you imagine if we were heavy smokers and sitting on our balcony puffing away in the summer months with our adjoin balconies. The smoke would drift over there and as everybody knows smoke is probably the one most aggravating factor for an asthmatic attack.

I do feel we are depriving ourselves sometimes, we take extra care to be quiet, husband with his ear phones, he should be enjoying the sound system at least until 11 and I don't mean loud but just enjoying it but he is worried it may disturb her so he sits there with his head phones on.

And we don't really enjoy eating out even if it is financially more feasible to do.

My husbands not a young man also, not saying hes old but hes 63, he will be a senior in 2 years.

Thank you once again for your replies. :o)

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A female reader, boo22 United Kingdom +, writes (26 April 2016):

boo22 agony auntHi

I remember when I was living with my ex, our neighbours used to cook this particular thing, I never found out what it was because I never asked.

I used to shout to my ex.....oh God they're cooking that thing again!!! Then go crazy with the air freshener because it was so horrible it would make me gag.

I would talk to your neighbour and explain exactly what you have said to us and see what she says.

Maybe it's the universe telling you to go eat curry in restaurants instead ? x

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A male reader, Garbo United States +, writes (26 April 2016):

Garbo agony auntI was on the receiving end of the curry cooking at one period of my life. At that time, I came across this huge, lavish apartment on the third floor with a balcony and a gorgeous view, so I signed a 2 year deal. Little did I know, below me were folks who were like you, curry and some other Eastern European stink. It was horrendous every day but particularly on Friday evenings. I could not sleep nor did I know when will that hellish stink come on. I dreaded my lease and after 2 years, my happiest day has arrived when I moved. I absolutely hated, loathed and despised the two couples who were so insensitive and have put me through hell with those horrible smells. So, I don't know what the solution on your end would be short of stopping that curry, but I hope my experience can tell you what that poor old woman is going through.

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A female reader, Tisha-1 United States +, writes (26 April 2016):

Tisha-1 agony auntWait, your cooking aromas are not vented to the outside with a fan? Is this an older apartment building? What happens if someone burns something on the stove? Wouldn’t that set off the smoke detectors?

I did find a list of asthma triggers and what to do about them: http://getasthmahelp.org/asthma-triggers.aspx There are so many triggers listed she may suffer from more than a few. Perhaps print that list out for your landlord to remind him that there are many triggers for an asthma sufferer. If she’s ONLY triggered by curry cooking then perhaps she’s being a bit specific about her illness?

Which, reading between the lines of your post, is what you are thinking, in the background. That her “asthma” isn’t so much a real medical condition but is more an aversion to the smell of your curry.

I went to a Tex-mex place for dinner a week or so ago and wore a sweater (jumper to our UK readers). The next day, I was traveling, I put that sweater back on and holy guacamole, I REEKED of the spices. They literally had infused into my sweater. I could barely stand me. And it was a delicious meal! I just didn’t want to have to smell it every time I happened to move a little.

A friend of mine who is married to someone from India invited us over to her apartment for a gathering after a funeral. The space was permeated with the spices and herbs and veggies used in their cuisine. I think if I’d had a problem with asthma it might have been a trigger to an asthma attack. They were used to the smell of their apartment so I doubt they even thought about it.

As to the recipes for curry, well, I’m sure as you know, there are curries, as in you buy a little powdery spice pack or a small jar of prepared sauce and saute it with your protein and veg. Then there are CURRIES, which involve chopping loads of peppers (chiles to our UK readers) and cooking them. (I remember one of my guests from the UK referred to my New Orleans style shrimp as “curried prawns” so obviously the word “curry” can have many definitions.)

One will not throw up as many airborne particles which can be carried to another person’s living space as another recipe. The other could literally create loads of volatile airborne compounds that can float around and “stick” to fabrics and walls and curtains. And clothing.

I would buy a box type fan, put it in the window when you cook your next curry meal, turn it on and see if she notices any aromas. Make sure all your clothing is behind closed doors and you aren’t wearing any of the garments when you go out again.

So, what type of curry are you preparing?

Is the building up to code requirements for venting the kitchen in a safe way?

Has she properly notified the landlord of her medical condition so that the very real triggers of someone suffering from asthma can be dealt with?

I would ask her specifically what her pulmonologist or allergist/immunologist advised. I would also mention to her that she does need to advise the landlord of her medical condition, because if something does happen, and you haven’t cooked a curry in months, well.... perhaps someone else did, and alas, you could be blamed.... just saying.

Now, all this is to ensure that you wouldn’t be liable if she was injured in some way by your cooking a curry.

Do you think that it’s possible that she just can’t stand the smell of spicy food? And that you feel trapped by your financial circumstances -- you reported no pension and that you don’t have much.

In which case, I would quietly plug in a strong fan on the days I cook curry, making sure that the fumes are away from her apartment. I would make sure that I didn’t reek of a curry the next time I met her and just see if there are any further reports of asthmatic triggers in your elderly neighbor.

Or, as other aunts have advised, cook the curry elsewhere and enjoy it there, or go out for a nice curry. My experience has been that it’s cheaper to go out for some nice Indian food than to try to purchase all the ingredients needed!

[One final comment, on the “mid-aged” term, my husband has jokingly reminded me when I said I was middle-aged, that he didn’t know very many 110 year olds! Ha!)

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland +, writes (26 April 2016):

aunt honesty agony auntI think the best solution is to talk to her and see what she has to say, maybe she did not mean for you not to cook it again, it could have been a passing comment from an old lady. You should not have to give up cooking your favorite food, so ask her is their a day that suits where you can cook it, hopefully you can both be reasonable.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2016):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks for your answers.

We do have a good overhead fan in the kitchen but unfortunately as this is a rented apartment and kitchen is not close to the balcony also we wont be allowed to put the fan in.

The walls are very thick, we are lucky tenants ( both) to be in specific apartments which are double walled, only a few are like that.

Without seeming ignorant, honestly I don't know how she can smell it in her apartment because of the lay outs but I do know curry is strong but because of the walls thickness.

But yes of course I don't want the old lady ill because of any curry smell.

We been here over 3 years and nothing has been mentioned until yesterday with her telling me that she cannot tolerate curry smell. She never said she could smell it and we haven't had it for a month.

Thanks everyone.

And yes we try to be considerate. we have a nice sound surround for TV but after 10 husband puts ear phones on and watches TV and he has helped her with jobs.

We both have offered to do any groceries for her also.

Shes a great neighbour and we don't want to upset her.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (26 April 2016):

Honeypie agony auntIveblue's suggestion is great I think. To cook up a LARGE batch and pack it into dinners and then freeze. If you don't have family you can cook at, I'd suggest you talk to the old woman and find a day where she is either out or whatnot and THEN cook up a good big batch.

You could preemptively talk to your landlord and see if installing a kitchen hood is possible.

I'm sorry the smell of strongly spiced food makes the old lady feel sick, I's LOVE that. We had a neighbor in Germany who cooked a LOT of cabbage and well, cabbage stinks when cooking, but all it really meant was that I'd close my kitchen window when she was cooking cabbage. In your case you don't have the benefit of a window in your kitchen.

I do NOT think a landlord can terminate a tenant for cooking spicy food, but I can understand why you feel not cooking to be respectful of the old woman and her asthma. But you also are NOT breaking any laws or doing anything that is purposely malicious. YOU are cooking spicy food!

I agree with BrownWolf - I'd LOVE that spicy smell around here!

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (26 April 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntcan you cook up a big batch over a family members house so all you have to do is freeze it,thaw it and heat it. That way, heating it may not cause such a release of of the spice fragrant as if you were cooking it from scratch.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2016):

I know this is a problem many Asian families who have settled in Europe and North America face, and it is a big problem considering that almost all oriental dishes are spicy and the smell when cooking disperses to all the building.You seem to be a very decent and considerate neighbor, so I suggest if it is not to hard for you is moving to a neighborhood where similar people live and solve the problem for once and all.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy +, writes (26 April 2016):

CindyCares agony aunt Eh but if this is an 80something lady , in poor health and suffering with asthma, what can you do ? ... Even in lack of formal complaints or ripercussions by your landlord, I don't think that you'd want to have on your conscience the asthma or allergy attacks of a frail octuagenarian ?...

Many neighbours ... are just nitpickers, but this sounds like a real health issue , not like a pet peeve of somebody who " just can't stand " onion ( or Chanel n.5 ).

If there is a technical solution along the lines of that suggested by BrownWolf, apply it. Otherwise... otherwise go eat your curry once or twice a month in an Indian restaurant, ( which are generally quite affordable even for people on a limited budget ) it will be an excuse to get out of the apartment and of the monotony of your usual routine.

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A male reader, BrownWolf Canada +, writes (26 April 2016):

BrownWolf agony aunt

Easy fix... Buy a fan...good strong one. If your kitchen is off set to your balcony door, set the fan up to blow the smell out the balcony door or windows.

Your apartment may not have a kitchen hood to suck the cooking fumes out, but that doesn't mean you can't create a means of exhaust :)))

There are some fans (square) that can be set up in your window frame to suck the air out. Home Depot has them for like $35.00.

Blow the air my way... I love curry :)

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