New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login244945 questions, 1084256 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

Do I stay away till he figures things out?

Tagged as: Breaking up<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 December 2009) 12 Answers - (Newest, 14 December 2009)
A female United States age , anonymous writes:

I need help! I have been broken up with commitment phobic boyfriend for almost 7 months. We were together 2 1/2 years. We got together with my daughter yesterday, he is still trying to figure out his issues of confusion. My daughter enjoys the time we spend with him immensely. He says he has no interest in meeting anyone else, he is not gay. Last week he told me he wants to come to me and be the man I am looking for , which is a family man, but he may need a month, this is why he mentioned, that we be friends till he figures this out. I recently started dating but no one I am really interested in. What do I do? Do I stay away till he figures this out and steps up to engagement? Do I allow him to be with us as friends? Do I sever ties? There is alot more to this of course, he is loyal, nice, hard worker, decent looking. I can see where we could have a nice relationship if there was not so much complication. Please help me out!

Thank you!

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A male reader, duce00 United States +, writes (14 December 2009):

duce00 agony auntIts understandable how you confused me and Q. He and I were cut from the same cloth I think.

Despite the similarities you can always tell us apart because I am the good looking one.

hehehe

<-- Rate this answer

A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

sorry, my last post was meant to be to DUCE 07. I am sorry for my mistake..

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

To Q1605

Thanks for the nice post. I really would like to meet a great guy. You are right, when kids are involved that adds a new dimension. I really do not like being alone, but am getting used to it. But, I do think life is better when we share it with a special person. I hope you find someone special!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, duce00 United States +, writes (13 December 2009):

duce00 agony auntGreat follow up,

I know the life of being a single parent and doing it all on your own too. Making good decisions in the area of relationships is a little different for people in our situation I believe. There are only a few departments of life that can not be taken care of on our own and therefore we view a potential partner quite differently than most would. The outward appearances and smoke and mirrors stuff just doesn't fool us anymore. Been to the fair and seen the merry go round, had enough thank you very much. I have also found that I am reluctant to give up my freedom and independence which may be a barrier to some women. You have a similar outlook too I gathered.

Despite being much wiser now than ever before I still find myself stumbling on this stuff sometimes. Your post was a good reminder of the flip side of the coin. Thanks for keeping it real!

Have a great time on your date!!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Duce,

I hear where you are coming from and get that. I have supported myself and my girl for 8 1/2 years. We have a gorgeus home , nice car and I did it on my own. Sure, I would like to have less pressure but I have proven I can do this on my own. I have had men that are rich interested in me and I was not attracted to them. If I was the type looking for that I would be all over them. YOu are right this guy is wishy washy and that is a turn off! Hence, I am not getting together with him again unless he grows up. I hink it is a wise decision. I am actually meeting another guy tonight. I am trying to make good decisions.

Thanks for all of your wonderful advice. What a smart group of people on here!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, duce00 United States +, writes (13 December 2009):

duce00 agony auntIt has been interesting seeing the female responses to this. Don't get me wrong here, I agree that this guy is just way too wishy washy. Many men wouldn't tolerate it from a woman either.

Here is the point I would like to make and I am sure I will get chastised but I strongly feel I have a valid perspective...being a man and all.

You ladies have had a to deal with a guy who is pushy with you and even in a sexual manor right? Makes you feel violated and not recognized for who you really are right?

When a man senses that a women is operating under an agenda we tend to feel that we are just there to do that whole "provider" thing. It may not be purely financial but often it is some list of criteria that is plotted out just a little too perfectly for real life. That feeling of not being recognized for who you are...men actually do understand this one.

I am just saying, take a step back and consider all the ways both sexes bungle the whole operation of finding a good mate. I am thinking the answer will include more honest and genuine interactions with the opposite sex. That's one of the reason DC rocks folks!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

To anonymous female. Good for you. Women should never settle and you handled your self very well. YOu showed this guy that you have self worth and self respect. I do not think I am going to see this guy right now for several reasons. It is the Holidays and he might be lonely because of that. It is hard for me to understand a man that gets a wonderful lady and not be sure what he wants and to risk losing it. This guy is probably older than the guy you are with as he is 45. He has made it clear he has not looked at anyone else and has no interest. He is a complex, confused person. I told him last night I have no more patience for a man that is not sure what he wants in his life. I will be nice and be friends but I am not regressing now.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

this the anonymous girl . He has not proposed we are started from square one rebuliding trust after all the heartache he put me through. Your BF sounds just like my BF . He was happy with his friends and would call and say he missed me but needed to find himself and what would make us both happy. Durning that time I was suppose sit and wait for him to decide if he wanted me or not .

I had finally had enough and started gong out with friends having a great time and was not available to him like I was before . After we went a month with out contact he contacted me. I still dont make my self available like before I go out have fun with friends . I dont return phone calls or text right away. When he say I could go on with out him and he could lose me is when he suddenly found himself. It was very healing for me to find my life and friends again .

Now our relationship is on equal terms.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

To Rhytyhm and Blues, you have the best advice. I have been very honest about my life goals and my expectations. I would never give an ultimatum( I know you are not suggesting that) My gut tells me it is OK to email, but to not get together peridically, as I am going to end back where I was before the break up. I will allow my daughter to call him if she misses him. He will leanr to I am fully gone and it will be too late. As of right now I have not met anyone , I hope you are doing well..

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2009):

Tell him you understand if he is not ready to make a commitment to you for marriage and that he has the right to take as long as he needs, however, you want happily ever after and you are not going to apologize because that is what you want...you don't want to be anyone's exclusive girlfriend, you want the full deal or you want to be free..to leave yourself open to other men and won't always be available at the drop of the hat or at his beck and call.

Tell him that if he starts to date any other women that you will take that as his answer, that he does not think that you are the one. And then do that, start dating, not sleeping with other men.

Once he realizes that he could lose you forever to another man, it may motivate him to step up to the plate and claim you, at the very least it will make him think long and hard about what he stands to lose.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009):

This is verified as being by the original poster of the question

To the anonymous girl. Did he propose? I had broken up in an abrupt manner 7 months ago because I was so frustrated, We did not talk and then I called him and apolized becasue I felt I left so many things unsaid. He kept saying he was lost and would cry when I would mention my daughter. He has loads of friends so obviously he is happy when he is with them. I broke down and had dinner with him three months ago, It was like we never were apart, I did not have any sex with him so it was not about that. Then, he still kep saying he was confused and trying to figure out what will make him happy. So I backed off again. Now what do I do? He is so nice. My daughter is nuts about him. Any advice is great. Again I am leaving out details. thanks

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009):

Wow! I am going through the same thing. I kept in his life and acting as a "friend" . Mine told me the same things . He wanted to become the man I wanted and deserved, after going through that emontional roller coaster . I cut off all ties. Only after I did that ( it took a month) did he understand he was about to lose me forever. Well that made him step up to the plate and figure out his issues and confusion. Because up until then he was getting all the perks of a girlfriend without the commitment. Good luck girl you are in a difficult spot.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "Do I stay away till he figures things out?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0156340999965323!