A
female
age
30-35,
*enacoleus
writes:Well. This has been an interesting month. Thanks in advance for the advice; here is the situation --I'm a junior (in high school) studying abroad for the year in Spain, living with a host family. Been here for eight months so far. I'm a lesbian, had boyfriends in the past but never went beyond second base with them. Never been in relationship with a woman. Last month, I travelled to Barcelona for the weekend with my two best friends and we went to a lesbian club. I didn't go with the intention of going home with anyone, as I'd been to said club many times and the most I'd ever done was hook up. But of course, this time it just so happened that I met this incredible woman. We had a connection from the start (so cliche, I know, but bear with me...) and after giving my friends all her info (full name, house number, phone number) and promising to text them every hour, I went to her apartment and lost my virginity to her. It was an amazing experience not only in the typical "oh-we-had-great-physical-connection" but also in that it helped me learn more about myself. I'd always thought I liked women, but up until her I'd never felt true attraction (that was reciprocated). Generally, I tend to fall for straight girls, so there was a part of myself that wanted to psycho-analyze this as not me being gay, per say, so much as afraid of real relationships and thus more likely to fall for an emotionally unavailable girl because a relationship could never happen. Well, suffice to say, I now know for certain that I like women and it has nothing to do with relationship fear :-)I know this all seems pretty promiscuous and crazy (and I recognize that it sort of is) but I feel it's important to mention that normally I'm a fairly rational person. I get good grades in school and don't smoke weed/cigarettes or do hard drugs. I do drink when going out, but in moderation (beer, no hard liquor). I keep my parents relatively up to date with my life, although I have not come out to them yet. Back on task...essentially I spent the night and then the whole rest of the next day with her, exploring Barcelona. It was lovely and we got along quite well - there was no "walk of shame," that's for certain. Oh, minor detail that I forgot to mention - she's 28 (I'm 17). So basically, we had that lovely day, went to dinner with my best friends (they were quite relieved that she wasn't a psycho killer and that I was still alive). She asked me to stay another night but I had to return to my town (about two hours from BCN) because of an obligation with my host family. On the train ride back my friends (both of whose opinion matters quite a lot to me) told me that they liked her and they could see why we "clicked."Laura and I (I'm going to call her Laura) continued talking over facebook for the next two weeks. I made some arrangements and was able to go last weekend to see her again, for three nights/four days. Once again, it was wonderful. Aside from the physical attraction, we also have quite a lot of things in common - obviously, or else the time spent together during the day would have been quite dull. At the end of the four days, she accompanied me to the station, and embarrassingly enough, we both started to cry. It was incomprehensible to me (and to her as well, I suppose) that after spending so little time together we felt such a connection. Furthermore, since I will be going back to the States next week, without concrete plans to return to Spain at the moment, it was unclear (and is still unclear) if we would/will ever see each other again.So, after this saga, here is my question:Is it worth beginning a long distance relationship with someone thata) you met during a one night standb) is eleven years olderc) might not see for quite a whileI could mention all the things that I like about her but that would take up too many gigabytes on dearcupid :) What worries me, though, is that even though I honestly think she's awesome and "all that," how much is that my brain talking and how much my body releasing chemicals after sex? I know women release some hormone after intercourse that makes them feel attachment, but does this happen after lesbian sex as well? Theoretically, as I will be in Europe working (in a neighboring country) in August, I could go to Barcelona and stay with her for about a week. This idea makes me very excited, however irrational it is.I also have two questions about virginity. I don't have incredibly old-fashioned views or anything, but back when I still thought I was straight, or at least bi, I always thought I would wait to have sex until being in love. Even now, if I ever have sex with a man, I know for sure that it will NOT be during a one night stand that I lose my heterosexual virginity. I don't know why, then, I felt no qualms about going home with Laura. Do you think this makes me a "slut"? I haven't had enormous feelings of guilt or anything like that, but at times when I ponder the situation I have to admit I feel a bit appalled at my actions, and a little "dirty." Alright, I guess that's it. Sorry this was so long. To boil it down, my major questions are:1. Should I continue a relationship with this woman/is it possible to have such an intense connection with someone after only one week together in total?2. Is what I did "slutty"? Is the age gap unforgivable?3. Would you consider that I lost my virginity to her? We essentially did all the things two women can do together, but I am confused because I always kind of imagined it with a man. Thanks so so much! -Lena
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best friend, drugs, facebook, lesbian, long distance, lost my virginity, one night stand, second base, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, bouyga  +, writes (28 May 2012):
it will be extremely difficult. Although you want to give it a try and maybe think that this can be different, it will not be and it will only be stressful and tiring on the long run
A
female
reader, CatalinMaura +, writes (28 May 2012):
In my opinion, no. It's not worth it. I understand it was a great experience and the first time you really found yourslef and got to feel something like that. It's a milestone, a speacial memory for you. But that's all. You feel all of this because it was your first time and so special and spontanious. Now, you can go home and meet other people, start other relationships knowing exactly who you are and what you look for. You'll carry yourself with more confidence and carry the moment in your mind forever. Don't get so worked up, start a long distance relationship, and then carry the worries of people finding out before you want them to, what will happen when you tell your parents you've been dating someone much older for a very long time in another country. It's going to be too much and you're still so young. Ultimately, it's your decision. But, I hope you take my advice into consideration and I hope it helps!
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