A
male
age
18-21,
*alintine
writes:i am 19 years, and i am a christian, with a problem, i am attracted to men. i don't belive that somebody is born gay, it's what you accept yourself as and i don't accept it, but at the same time this is how my body feels. i am attracted to woman and get erections with both men and woman, which makes me confuse most of the time.i hate these feelings towards men, i don't want them but i am curious to find out how it feels to be with a man and a woman. i have never been with either,because i am a vergin. i beleave in saveing myself for a wife.1) my question is how do i turn my attractions to men off?2) i am not gay, but does it sound like i am gay?thank you for reading my long esay, i await your answers.
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male
reader, heartfullalove  + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
 I've read your post again and think I now understand what you're asking. This is about semantics. Obviously in the strictest sense of the word, I do 'choose' to be gay insofar as every time I have sex with a man, it's my choice to do so, nobody is forcing me into it.
But I've no choice at all about wanting to. Or to be more accurate, needing to. Thst's right: I NEED it. Everyone needs sex. And unless you yourself are celibate, I'm sure you'll understand that easily enough.
A
male
reader, heartfullalove + ♥, writes (30 October 2009):
Last anon...what on Earth do you mean?
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): So you dont believe people are born gay yet you have attractions to men that you do not want yet you can not help you better rethink your statement otherwise you are admitting to choosing your attraction to men and im sure that isnt what you mean either
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male
reader, q1605 +, writes (27 October 2009):
 So nightingale, was this girl a lesbian trapped in a man's body. No wait... a man trapped in the body of a lesbian who..... That's not right either. A woman trapped in a woman's body who had lesbian tendencies. A man who had his penis cut off.....ow! I am going to work on something easy. Like Muon-catalyzed fusion.
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female
reader, Nightingale +, writes (27 October 2009):
 To the poster. It is not unusual for men your age to struggle with sexual identity. The attraction to both men and women makes you more bi-sexual in nature.
The answers that imply people are not born (gay, straight) but "choose" it as a sexual preference is not accurate.
Putting Barbie dolls in your hand vs GI Joe's will not change you from what you are or make you into what society thinks you should be.
below is a link to a case done about a botch circumcision done on 2 male fraternal twins. On the male that was botched it was decided to make him into a woman. they removed his male genitalia and gave him hormones to feminize him.
Gave him a girls name, dressed him like a girl, and gave him dolls to play with. Always treated him like a little girl.
So if what R&B says is true the boy that had this done should be a girl. The end to that story is the child is screwed in the head, suffers the effects of years of hormone therapy he should have never had, and today lives as a man because he never "felt" like a girl and was always drawn to the man stuff. Like Frankenstein, medical science tried to re route his sexuality and it did not work.
So per R&B he should have been a girl and loved men, Instead, was a "girl" who attracted to women.
It all unraveled when it was time to enter puberty and they had to let him be a man or permanently re assign him as a woman.
http://www.moss-fritch.com/medical_error.htm
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male
reader, q1605 +, writes (27 October 2009):
Say what you want. I don't care if I was forced to wear skirts and lipstick as a child. If GI Joe's were banned from the country. If I were forced to watch gay porn 24/7. You kick me out of a moving car, and I roll to the feet of Pamela Anderson and her gay hair dresser, I'll be going home with Pam.
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female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
 With all due respect I think you are twisting my words a bit or did not understand what I meant. I don't think you brought it down on yourself for being gay to have kids bash your head into your locker. That is just stupid kid fights that happen when there is a group mentality going on.
What I meant to say is that you did choose to be gay because you couldn't be anything else, I agree with you that you should do what makes you happy, those were your interests, that is what you were attracted too, and no one raised you wearing cowboy and indian suits and giving you GI Joes to play with or ripped the fashion mags out of your hands as a youngster. Probably no one in your family guided you into being masculine and talked about raising a family and how that is what life is all about and that is what a man does, you developed your identity in a different direction and that is how it becomes something you don't feel you can choose differently or change about yourself, I get that completely.....however, you can't say that society or your upbringing didn't make that possible for you or that you were simply just born that way...you grew up to be a gay man, good for you, you had the courage to be your authentic self when you figured out who that was.
I got heckled for being a four-eyed, coke bottle bottom wearing glasses as a kid. So, poor me, I couldn't be myself....People can be cruel to anyone who is the least bit different and that is not a nice thing is it? I was also flat as a board and didn't have a boyfriend in high school, poor me, I should have chosen to be gay, it would have been easier for me, but I didn't....I did not give up on men, although at times I wish I could have, lol.
And as far as being religous or a Christian, I was raised in a very liberal church, the Christian Church and my minister strongly supports gay marriage. I just don't happen to agree with him totally, although I think in time people will be accepting of it because you can't change people and what they want or think they need to be happy.
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male
reader, q1605 +, writes (27 October 2009):
R and B. Don't scold us for making gay marriage and the homosexual political agenda the issue. It is you that brought up.
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male
reader, q1605 +, writes (27 October 2009):
R and B. I said that women are MORE able to blur the lines. I included that joke in an earlier post. I should have said,"more easy to blur the line and jump back over". Gay women are something that doesn't get judged so harshly. They are looked at like a harlequin romance. The door closes and rose petals fall from above. A guy experiments with gay sex and people that know will label him as gay forever more.
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male
reader, q1605 +, writes (27 October 2009):
Go ask your straight guy friends who never experimented.
Are you gay? You seem to be an authority on the subject. If you are not, it's like listening to a potted plant discussing all the nuance and subtleties that motivate two and four legged animals.
A guy is sitting at a bar, talking to the bartender. He says, I was married all my life. Good husband. Cared for my terminally ill wife to the bitter end. When I walk down the street does any one say there go's a good husband? No!
I was in the Army for 20 years. Stormed the beaches at Normandy. When I walk down the street does anyone call me a good soldier? No!
Worked for General Motors for 20 years after that. When I walk down the street does anyone say. Look at that mechanic walking there? No!
I get totally shit faced one night and give one blow job to a queer down on main street and........
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A
male
reader, heartfullalove + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
Sorry OP, I realise I haven't directly addressed your question.
I think we're all 'born' asexual as babies and kids. Then you hit 13-14 and your hormones start going crazy. I don't think you can 'do' anything about it, in the sense of changing what you fantasise about or which gender gets you aroused.
Basically, can you choose your sexuality or is it just something you're given? Well, if I could have 'chosen' to be straight as a teenager, I would have, without hesistation. I tried SO hard to not be gay. Again and again. Even prayed once or twice that it would just go away. For a stage (I'd say 14 to 16) I was really traumatised and ashamed of my sexuality. I'd probably have sacrificed a finger if it meant I could be 'normal'.
I didn't consciously 'choose' to be gay like looking at a menu and thinking 'I'll have some of that'. It was just a physical and psychological state of being crazy about men, which became so central to my whole sexual identity that I eventually realised I couldn't help it and stopped trying to resist it.
But I certainly didn't 'choose' to have four guys bash my head off a school locker and kick me in the balls on account of my suspected sexual preference, or 'choose' to be wolf-whistled and heckled with hurtful 'here comes the cocksucker' insults. With all due respect to Rhythmnblues, I don't accept that this sort of treatment was something I 'brought down on myself'.
I didn't 'choose' to have a lispy voice or limp floppy wrists or a 'gay' walk or a permanent pout or a burning personal interest in girls' fashion, make-up and clothing. These were just the cards I was dealt.
So, 'how do i turn my attractions to men off?' I don't think it's possible. It will always be there. You do, of course, have the option of repressing it and electing not to have sex with men. My guess is that, long-term, this is not a wise option in terms of your pursuit of happiness and fulfilment as a human being.
But by the same token, being with men isn't a great idea either IF you're going to hate yourself afterwards or feel racked with guilt on religious grounds. You are confused about your sexuality, and your religion seems to be making the situation worse. I can't relate to that, since I'm not in the least bit religious.
However, I know that Christians don't all sing from the same hymn-sheet in terms of their views on the 'rightness' or 'wrongness' of being gay. Some think it's a sin. Others seem a bit more flexible and believe that a genuinely loving 'God' would want you to do what makes you happy.
It all boils down to whether you view religion as a personal private thing betweeen you and whetever deity you believe in, or as a set of unchallengeable stone-cold certainties which have to dictate the way everyone lives their lives irrespective of how much misery it causes.
I hope it all works out for you, good luck
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A
female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
Q, you are wrong about that. Men can blur the lines as well. Since the 1990's it has been "cool" on college campuses to be bisexual. It is prevalent, it is experimental and it often involves kids on drugs and alchohol. I have seen it happen. For example, I made a friend of a 24 year old gorgeous boy who gay men sought out to have promiscuous sex with. He was a cocaine addict and when he was high on cocaine he experimented with gay sex. He married a woman that he had known for several years and they have a child together. He is now completely heterosexual. The experimentation he experienced in his early 20's is common among college kids that want to appear "cool" and open minded. Ask him if he regrets it, he will say yes...for one he hurt a gay man who really believed that he could have feelings for him, when all it was for him was coked out sexual urgency.
So don't give me that women can blur the lines of sexuality and men can't, it just ain't so.
The fact of the matter is that a lot of people are drawn to be living on the edge of society, they want to be different, they want to stand out from the crown and experimenting with same sex encounters is one way that they do that. Does it mean they are born gay, absolutely not. I have seen this over and over again in both female and male populations. I just don't buy that homosexuals are born and not made.
Do they experience cruelty. You bet. Because they have chosen a lifestyle that many heterosexuals and mainstream Christians can not accept. Does that make them right, does that mean they don't bring this down upon themselves? Absolutely not. It is a choice for many many people to be gay. Is it my right to tell them their choice is wrong? No. Is it my right not to accept gay marriages as the same as a marriage between a man and a woman, yeah possibly. And that is another discussion for another day.
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male
reader, q1605 +, writes (27 October 2009):
Women seem more able to blur the lines of homosexuality and be able to flit back and forth between the sexes. Men, not so much. For a completely straight man to try to be a little gay is unthinkable. A completely straight man will not feel a "little" bit of attraction for another man. If he does, he is probably a bit bi. So from my vantage point, it is in the make up at birth. Homosexuality for a man is not something we pick up along the way.
Of all the gay men I have known, the happiest among them are, or have subjected to unspeakable turmoil. Unspeakable cruelty. From their families, from their employers, from themselves, until they learn to accept themselves as what they are and choose to be happy with it. There is no way you will get me to believe that this is something they bring down upon themselves.They are what they are. They offer no apologies and in my world I expect none.
The gay men I have known are some of the most warm, friendly, caring, and absolutely delightful people I have ever encountered. Any one that shuns a man because he is gay doesn't deserve to be around such a group of caring individuals. Maybe someday the people who won't accept gays will realize the side of humanity they are missing, and open their hearts and minds to these men and women.
But telling a gay person to cut it out and get in line, is as foolish as telling a straight person to shape up and be gay. I can not believe this way of thinking still abounds in the 21st century. Let the poster keep and discuss his sexuality in sexual terms and not bring politics into the bedroom.
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male
reader, heartfullalove + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
OK. I'll watch the news and try to figure out what the agenda is.
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female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
All you have to do is watch the news to see what the political agenda is for gay people. I don't want to get into a lengthy discussion on this posters thread about my views on gay marriage and why I think the way I do.
It is a complicated issue and my thinking is based on a lot of knowledge that never comes into the political and human rights discussions that you hear on this topic.
I get weary having to explain to people or educate people when I don't think it is worth my time.
Most people are pretty set in their views and ways of being and thinking and I don't attempt or entertain the thought of changing their minds. Too daunting a task for one person. If human beings could all think the same, it might make for a better world, less interesting but freer of conflict trouble and strife. That is about as Utopian an idea as that our society would benefit from having gay marriage and no fallout would come from that.
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male
reader, heartfullalove + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
OK. But
'The issue of whether or not all homosexuals are born that way is a "political" view in order for gays to push through their political agendas'
...it seems safe to assume that gays, since there are millions of 'them', can't all share the same political agenda. I'd love you to enlighten us as to what their agenda consists of, as you perceive it.
While I wouldn't see eye-to-eye with your views on gay marriage rights, I absolutely respect them. I disapprove of the aggressively hectoring self-righteous tone sometimes used by interviewers/militant gay activists to interrogate people who happen to oppose their position, so please understand that I'm in no way trying to pick a fight, or round on your personal views in a hostile manner.
I would just like you to explain what you find objectionable about same-sex marraige.
Thanks
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female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
The issue of whether or not all homosexuals are born that way is a "political" view in order for gays to push through their political agendas, that is a given and the female anon poster and hotmama are on that rant that it is never a choice to be gay.
They then jump to conclusions that because of what I stated that I am to be feared, why would I be feared if it weren't for the political arguments for gay rights?
I am not opposed to gay rights, I am on the fence about gay marriage and an ammendment to our Constitution over it. I think if they choose to live their lives as gay and have gay relationships then they can do that without a nation changing it's Constitution to reflect their rights to be married to each other. And yes religion does very much come into play with that. This country was based on Christian values, we open our arms to other countries and other points of view, but it is basically a Christian based value system that we operate on here. So that is where I stand politically, but I don't believe in going down the road of backing up their choices with genetics, I just don't think in most cases it is the reason people are homosexual.
Do I think they should be discriminated against? No I do not when it comes to acceptance, jobs, holding political office, teaching children, adopting children or even being parents. But I believe marriage is between a man and a woman for religious and even moral reasons. So there.
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male
reader, heartfullalove + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
R'n'B...I've read the posts carefully and can't see anyone 'ranting about their political views', could you please point out where on this thread you've seen anything that could be construed as a political rant?
Thanks
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female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (27 October 2009):
Well, it may scare you that I believe that some people chose to be gay because of certain life experiences, but I know plenty of women especially who have done this. In no way were they born gay, they were married to men for 20 years.
I also base my beliefs about this on my knowledge of psychology, theory of learning, and the psychology of personality. So my theories are based on both solid knowledge and education and on personal experiences of people I have known and have gone through something like this.
I realize that it is more politically correct to say someone was born gay, but I don't believe that is the case with the majority. I do believe that sometimes something in early childhood and the development of identity swings someone to be attracted to the same sex....and because people can't change that easily or even desire to change then of course they are to be accepted for what they are.
So don't get on your bandstand and start ranting about your political views, you don't have the depth of knowledge on this subject to even really understand what I am saying is not a "negative" but the truth of the matter.
I did not choose to be straight, I was raised during a time in society when homosexuality was not accepted or acknowledged and my identity was solidly with being female and females are attracted to men. I am sure that my sexual identity was as much an environmental and learned behavior as it was also genetic.
Sometimes genetics is overriden for some people based on the development of their personality and sexual identity where a lot of variables come into play.
It doesn't really have anything to do with Religion although religion does come into play for many Christians in the realm of male female unions.
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male
reader, MrBrightside90  + ♥, writes (26 October 2009):
Do what feels right, Who's a relegion to tell you how to lead your life and tell you you are unworthy as human being if you are gay.
There is no good and bad. And If there is a god he will love me more if i lead my life as a decent human being (even if you are gay) than be one of the pretend christians, who are even more miserable.
Just my 2 pennies
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male
reader, Valintine +, writes (26 October 2009):
Valintine is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your help it give me comfort
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): The people saying you have a choice over this scare me to be honest. It's clear people think that the right choice is to be straight. Being gay is not wrong and does not stop you from having religion. I'm making assumptions but I think you come from an area or family background that doesn't accept being gay as a valid way of life. Not everyone and not everywhere is like that. It's probably difficult to accept this t the moment but please take hope in this if you can. You might be gay or straught but don't be ashamed of your feelings.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): with no offince homosexuals
but when i was 18 i fantasized about men sometimes
but now i am 33 years old now and i am completely hetrosexual
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female
reader, hotmommanell +, writes (26 October 2009):
You don’t believe people are born gay? Then how did you come by your attraction to men? If people are born straight, why wouldn’t they be born gay as well? I know I’ve always been attracted to men. I have been approached by lesbians but nothing happened there. I don’t care for women in that way.I didn’t choose to be straight. It chose me and there’s no power in the world or outside of it that’s going to change that. I think it’s the same with gay people. And as far as I know, the Bible isn’t really that clear that gays or an abomination or whatever. From what you’re saying, you like men and women. That’s also normal, and as a former Christian I can tell you the Bible says nothing about bisexuality either. You are fine. There is nothing the matter with you! You are a bisexual and you were born that way. I think you should talk to the experts on this subject. I suggest the following sites:www.glnh.org/talklinewww.lambda.org/youthGood luck.
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female
reader, rhythmandblues2 + ♥, writes (26 October 2009):
I think you need to talk to someone about this so they can go into more depth with you and ask the right questions to help you decide what you are feeling.
I think sexual identity can be a process, and now that being homosexual is so open and out there, it can be confusing as to who you are when you are a teenager and trying to develop your own identity.
I tend to believe that many homosexuals merely chose to be that way, to live that lifestyle and they were not born gay, but their sexuality was habituated by what they experimented with.
But, then I do think some homosexuals were that way from such a young age that they can't be anything but homosexual, were they born that way? I doubt it, but their life experiences and their personality shaped them that way and that is OK if they can accept their chosen lifestlye, because that is what it becomes, a lifestyle.
I can't relate to having sexual attraction to both sexes as I never went through that. I do think that people, humans are sexual beings and find all humans attractive, I mean I appreciate the beauty of a woman's body, but would I want to experience sex with her? The thought sickens me...is it my religion? Maybe, partyl, but more my identity. I like men, I like being female next to a male because that is who I am and who I know how to be.
You are in a state of development and I do beleive you can make a choice if you so want to.
But, I think you might want to speak to a therapist who is knowledgeable in sexual identity, as I certainly am not. I have my own beliefs about it, but I am sure that my ideas would not be true for every situation, every person out there.
So, don't be afraid to reach out for some help to get yourself sorted out. After all, It is only your life and your self and you matter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): No you don't sound gay to me... I am not sure if u can turn these feelings off, but it's normal.
I am a woman and I also very rarely like woman also but not a lot, I now that I definetly like guys though so if you know for sure then there it is(there is the answer is what I am saying)
If you want to explore further with same sexes many people explore this more.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2009): Please don't worry- there is absolutely and totally nothing wrong with your feelings. I can't stress this enough. I understand that's hard to believe for you.You may or may not be gay- my advice is you are young, this is the time to explore your feelings towards men and women.Lots of people fantasise about both sexes (I am a straight woman but have somethimes had fantasies about other women) At first I would just give yourself the total freedom to think as much as you want about both men and women - as much as possible without guilt. You'll start to realise which feelings you'd like to put into action, whether it's with men, women or both. There's no rush, but do this when you are ready and in a safe environment. You might want to try calling a gay friendly helpline for advice. In the UK we have something called the Gay and Lesbian Switchboard. Google it- the US must have something similar. Good luck!
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