A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:i don't know if i'm just being overly sensitive to my internal paranoias, or not...i have this fear of being killed, more than likely by someone i've already known. it isn't something i feel too often...i can really only think of two people i've ever met who have kind of evoked this feeling in me...one of them was a (homosexual) friend i had, who used to pretty much stalk me. he'd call every day, even when i ignored his calls for weeks on end...he'd ask other people about me when i was avoiding him, and he'd show up to my work/house unannounced all the time, even though i was obviously not pleased to see him as time wore on. it's like he was in denial that i had let go of him...i actually never really thought he'd kill me, but i always thought that if he were a ghost, he'd haunt me like a polterguist...that is, until he finally got a more full life of his own, which he finally has.the second and most recent one is my ex, but he claims that i don't 'desrve' something like that (yes, i actually brought something up like this to him). still, he also seems to refuse to see that i've tried a few times to cut contact with him completely (even my own direct declaration to him that i wanted to stop talking/seeing him...he eventually started calling repeatedly)...we now live apart--states away--but he still seems to want to keep daily contact, as though he's relying on it, even if i try to ignore him. i really don't understand why, as while we were together, one day he'd claim that he wanted to be with me forever, and the next day, he'd want to be friends only...or wanted quite a bit of space in general. obviously, he was unstable, and was also suffering from the reprocussions of a past drug addiction, and also appeared to me at least, to clearly have some type of personality disorder. i do like him aside from the pain i've gone through with him, but that doesn't mean that i want to keep up the contact all the time. the thing is, part of me is actually scared of him, in a way...as i've seen him be violent, and break soemthing of mine, and i've seen him hurt himself, and use some hardcore emotional blackmail that i could see through, and heard him telling me that he thinks he'd do really bad stuff, if so many bad things weren't illegal, especially if his pain of bad actions were numbed by drugs. but, i also know that he wants, for the most part to be 'good', but sometimes his highly unstable and volatile (at least in my presence) tendencies prevent him from being so. there aren't many people i will actually avoid being in the same room with, but he's now one of them...he also favors a movie which involves a couple--the male character 'mercy' kills his female partner because she's made a very desperate mistake, and the male character feels there's no way back to a better life...so death is the only way to pay for sin, for the both of them in the end...anyways, it might be my mind that's running wild, but soemtimes i feel like in a more hellish world, and if my ex went completely off the deep end, and also did not find someone to replace me eventually, pretty soon (and if i stopped giving him attention), that he'd find a way to get to me...i don't feel like this all the time, but there are days when it crosses my mind and i start to obsess (maybe it is just because the last time i saw him, he got very violent at the physical objects around us?). i almsot think it "safer" in this case to just be his friend (give him my more positive feelings, while forgetting the negative ones i have toward him), than to just write him off completely, until he finds another...because he seems like he wants me to be his long distance surrogate girlfriend until he finds another one...the only other reason i can think that i feel this way, is that even before i ever saw him completely lost it, i would sometimes just feel scared of him...as though i could sense his potential for something very destructive, even if he never actually shows it in this lifetime (i hope he does not!, towards anyone, ever!)do i sound kinda crazy, or is any of this even remotely legit?
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drugs, emotional blackmail, long distance, my ex, violent Reply to this Question |
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male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (12 September 2009):
 Unless those people have actually given you reason to worry about it, it sounds like you might have mild anxiety. I say this because some of your thoughts of them being ghosts haunting you and such.A constant fear of being attacked can come from lots of sources. Being attacked as a child, living in a fantasy world where you are attacked, actually being a target in real life by people because you are different.This is likely to get more intense as you get older. If you have the chance to talk to a therapist about it, I suggest to try it.-Frank Kermithttp://www.franktalks.com
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