A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello Aunts and Uncles I'm not in any precarious situation but just looking for some advice on things in my relationship i've just not encountered before. About two years ago I left a long term relationship, it was wholly amicable and ended because it just felt like a friendship and ultimately the romance just didn't feel like a romance (not to say I was looking for that movie love but it could have done with a bit of warmth) so you could say i got used to minimal emotion. Cut to a year ago and i get with a really nice guy, we're still together now and he's certainly more emotional than the last and understanding of the maintained friendship i have with my ex despite his being cheated on, he's open when he's worried, upset or even angry at something, i hate buts... but, there are some things that just confuse me and I just want to see if this is a case of me needing to push myself to adapt or notHe gets upset when i don't immediately react to something he's done for me - say he buys me a gift and i don't immediately pull out the "Omg i ADORE it thank you thank you thank you", I do have a delayed response habit and whilst he understands that, he sometimes forgets and i'm happy to admit that it's my fault for not being so immediate with voicing myselfHe also seems to seek validation a lot, if he's done something(even with others) he seems to wonder why it's not been posted all around, he's even asked me why i haven't posted about something he's done for me, in all honesty I like to hold those things close to me and really treasure them and sharing it about for the world to see, whilst it's selfish to say, almost waters it down for me.we share a lot of interests and hobbies and even help each other out with them but i think my quiet personality is most definitely an opposite to his exuberant self. We're generally happy, open with each other and hardly ever fight.So i guess this boils down to: Am i too selfish and shy? And is this a case of me really needing to step outside my little bubble a bit more often :) Thank you for reading and not making your eye rolls too loud :)
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (20 December 2017):
 I do think good manners are important and its the first thing I automatically do if I have been giving a gift and that is to thank them. Same if I have done something wrong I would need to say sorry straight away.
As for posting it on Social Media I do feel that is your choice if you want to do that or not. Couples who post up lovey dovey messages and gifts are sending off a vibe to the world yet a lot off the time they are no where near as happy as they are making out to be.
I think you should talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel. Explain to him that you are thankful but you don't need to post it all over the internet. It seems he wants others to see he is being good to you but he also needs to remember why he is being good to you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2017): If a man gave me a gift and all he was worried about was whether I had posted about it on social media would make me think that he wasn't trying to make me happy but wanting to make himself look good.
But then I am not in favour of telling everyone my business so it seems I am in the minority.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (17 December 2017):
 Your say you were used to minimal affection... Are you sure you're not doing the same with the new guy in the sense that you're withholding affection from him? Why don't you respond to his gifts positively? Why do you have a delayed response? Would you have liked it if someone did the same with you? Say if you cooked a fabulous lunch for him or made an effort to look dress up and look good and your boyfriend doesn't say a single word in appreciation, then how would you feel?
As for posting things on social media, I'm personally not in favour of it as well because it just looks like you're trying to show the world how happy you are and anything that has to be screamed from the rooftops is probably fake in the first place. However, that being said, if it makes him happy, then what's the harm in indulging in the occasional update? Isn't a relationship all about compromising just a little?
See I think the reason he seeks this validation from you is because he thinks you don't want him or love him as much as he does. I guess he feels that if you announced your feelings to the world then that would be like accepting him, being proud of him, showing him off and basically giving him your stamp of approval.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2017): A delayed-response to a gift sends the message you're ungrateful and unimpressed. Nobody says you have to come-off phony and exaggerated. It's strange to read that, coming from someone who claims their ex wasn't warm enough.
It's common nowadays for people in relationships to make it known to friends and acquaintances on social media that they're in a happy and flourishing relationship.
My boyfriend does it, all my friends and relatives do it; and I do it as well. I like acknowledging him to everyone I know and love; because I love him so much. This is when needing your approval and validation is appropriate. It's when you do it out of excess due to insecurity and neediness, that makes it a problem. You're taking him for granted.
It would give him validation and shows appreciation. If he suggests it, it should be easy to just do it to please him. Not analyze him after you complained about what you didn't get in your last relationship.
If you don't snap-out of it, and let the guy know who he gave his heart to; you'll get friend-zoned again. Now I think I might know why the other guy cooled-off on you.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (16 December 2017):
 I think that yes you need to open up a bit more and be more outgoing and spontaneous to a certain point.
I hate...absolutely hate gifting my sister with gifts because she is also such a shitty gift receiver whereas with my mom, for instance, her reactions to my gifts are so warm and amazing that it just makes you feel so warm inside and that´s all because of the reaction... so yes...I get where your boyfriend is coming from on that note.
As for posting gifts everywhere, I agree that sometimes some things are best kept for yourself because it feels like posting it on social media or whatever kinda takes away from the whole thing. I know that´s how it is for me anyway... although I do think that some things are worth posting like big gifts or grand gestures...even some smaller ones like breakfast in bed I think can at least go up on your instant messaging profiles e.g whatsapp or snapchat.
He also has to understand where you´re coming from as well because look, I get that my sister is horrible at receiving gifts so in giving her one, I cannot expect her to burst into tears and have a fit of joy if I know that´s not who she is by nature. I kind of just accept her dull expressions and odd behaviour even though I´m not like that and I don´t quite understand it.
I think the two of you need to meet each other half way on this one. You should give him some of what he wants and he should accept that you cannot do what he wants 100% of the time.
Find a balance and things should be ok.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (16 December 2017):
 Would it hurt you to respond a little more quickly to his acts of kindness and support?
Some things we do spontaneously, like apologising to a complete stranger we might bump into, or thanking a medic for a painful treatment.
Here is someone who is trying to please you and you have to think about it? Really!
I can forgive you the social media delay - who cares. But in day to day interaction show some gratitude that someone goes out of his way for you.
Merry Christmas.
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