A
female
age
30-35,
*chmidch
writes:Some background: I (27 years old) have been seeing this man (33 years old) for four months now. We get along incredibly well and always have fun together. It is very comfortable when we are around each other and we naturally give off an impression that we are together. People often think that we are married and say that we are well-matched for each other. I think this is because we are very similar in a variety of ways and a major component to our happiness is that that we both value participating in physical activities and often make time to do these together (skating, yoga, racquet sports, hiking, etc.). This man has a very demanding career where he works continental shift work in public safety and being raised by a father who worked on call shift work has prepared me well to be able to entertain myself and be understanding that significant others have their own lives and responsibilities to attend to and I expect to be the centre of their universe all the time. So far we have never fought, but we have had conversations about his assumption that I have issues with his work schedule since women he has dated in the past have always complained and caused arguments. My only issue is miscommunication where, if we have tentative plans, it would be respectful for him to let me know asap if they are a no-go rather than waiting until the last minute when I have to ask if we are still on or not. When this happens, it makes me feel like he doesn't care. Anyway, I have been building very strong feelings for this man where I feel like we have a good shot to make each other very happy and I could see a future. I know he feels the same way because he has told me this and I have heard from his friend that he's been very happy and hinted at finally finding someone he could see himself with long-term. We haven't actually established that we are an exclusive item yet although I know he hasn't been seeing anyone else and he spends all his free time with me. He calls me from work to tell me about his days when I can't see him and talks about any issues with family, etc. when he feels he'd like to. He gets his work schedules six months at a time and he always offers and wants to send me his schedule so that I can try to make plans around it. Recently, I have brought up the conversation of "what are we?" and where he sees this going and it has left me confused. He said something along the lines of us seeing how things go because he is unsure of where I will be settling down location-wise in the future and he doesn't want to commit to something if I just move away. I have just finished the schooling and certification process to become what I want to be and right now working two part-time jobs waiting to find a permanent full-time job in my field. These jobs are competitive and I might not be able to end up exactly where I want, but I am hoping to stay within the surrounding area at least. He has also stated that we are in different stages of life where he is ready to find someone to settle down with now and have a partner that he can do things with financially, etc. whereas I am just entering the workforce now. I get confused because he has always known this was the case so I don't understand why he would continue to date me unless he saw a future. And it makes me nervous because I don't want to continue with this man and build more feelings if he could just bail and settle for someone who is situated exactly how he wants right now. I feel like I have made it known that I am looking for someone to settle down with as well if things go well in the relationship and that I would look for jobs nearby rather than elsewhere if I had someone important in my life. To me, I feel like these are obstacles that can come up any time in a relationship so I don't see why it has to be seen as the largest hindrance if we fit so well together right now. He is also very worried about picking the wrong person to be with long-term because he has many friends that have married quickly and young and he now sees them struggling with divorces. He believes that circumstances are very important in a relationship where two people are supposed to be in the right place at the right time whereas I believe how well a couple is together and how well they can handle issues is more so. Am I just setting myself up to be let down? Is this just a situation where I have to just wait and see where I end up first?
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (20 May 2018):
 Your life. YOUR future. That's what's more important than ANY new relationship.
If he isn't onboard right now, you do NOT risk your career on him MAYBE changing his mind.
A
female
reader, schmidch +, writes (20 May 2018):
schmidch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo here's my update on this situation... yes, it's been still going on... We have gotten really close the last couple months and we have become an important part of each others' lives in the sense that we talk about each others' issues and spend time with each others' families and friends. He enjoys hosting dinners with my friends and we spend occasions such as family birthdays and mother's day with each others' families. His friends ask how I am doing and vice versa. We still haven't gotten tired of spending time with each other and we have started participating in more activities together and have created future plans. He asks for my opinion and help whenever he wants to do home renos and we cooperate very well together. He makes comments to me that it's important to him that I agree and like the choices he makes on his house because maybe someday his home will be mine as well. HOWEVER, I am still at an impasse. He still won't commit until we see where I end up! He's said that he's given the situation a lot of thought and it's been very difficult for him but for the first time in his life he is trying to think logically rather than rush into relationships that might start off with too many obstacles that lower the chance of success unnecessarily! He claims that I am perfect for him and he feels connected to me and has strong feelings for me, but he just can't look past the unknown factor. He said that if I were in my career right now, there would be no question that we would be together, but as someone that wants to start a family in the near future, he is afraid that all of the financial burden would fall on him. I actually have an interview for my career in the area next week, which funny enough was offered to me right after one of these talks. I am so conflicted with what I should do. It's so hard for me to just walk away because I genuinely do believe he cares about me and that we would work out just fine either way, but I understand that at this point I can't force someone to be with me or to try if they aren't willing and don't see what I see. I hate having regrets in life and to me not trying in a relationship would be a huge regret. I just can't understand why someone would continue to say the things he says instead of just call it quits or why continue the "relationship" at all. Yeeeeeesh...
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (25 January 2018):
 It sounds like this guy is not giving you 100 percent. Maybe he has some issues with commitment, or maybe he is the one afraid that you will up and leave for work. Either way it has only been four months, so give it a chance I say. It sounds like you are both communicating which is a big plus so at least you both know where you stand. Just take sometime and try not to think off the 'what ifs'.
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A
female
reader, schmidch +, writes (24 January 2018):
schmidch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI totally agree with you all. Thank you for your advice. When he brings up the fact that he thinks we're at different stages of life, I have actually asked him previously "why then would you continue dating me?" and he has responded with, "Because I like you!" He claims that I have all the traits that he is looking for in a woman to settle down with and that there is long-term potential, but the really big issue he has with us is my situation of not knowing where I'll get my job. (The ridiculous thing though is that when I bring up different locations of where I could move to, he sometimes says, "Perhaps I'd join you and get a transfer then". I just get more confused...
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (24 January 2018):
By 4 months of dating, you should at least be an official couple - 6 months latest.
That said, any serious discussions about the future - like moving in, getting married, having children, etc. should be left until 9+ months. Make sure it's something you both want before becoming official, but don't talk about it much, as you're still in the early honeymoon phase.
What you do is up to you, but I don't think you should give him more than 6 months together to make his mind up. Just please don't rush things with guys.
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A
female
reader, femmenoir  +, writes (23 January 2018):
 I was going to suggest everything the other readers have mentioned.
I agree with Honeypie.
Four months is not long enough to get to know somebody properly and it's actually a bit too early to be making more concrete, future decisions, so potentially, you could stick it out for another 2 months or so.
I know it's hard, because we women like to know where we stand, however, for many guys, it may simply be too early.
By six months, it'd be the best time to discuss any serious issues/concerns, before making any final decisions.
When the time comes, i would advise you to keep it short, sweet and simple.
Make a concrete date, to get together with him in person, so you can lay all your cards on the table and be totally upfront with him about how you're currently feeling.
If you try to sort this out now, it could very well backfire on you, because remember, for HIM, it may well be too early to discuss the future status of this relationship.
If in two more months, you're still being treated like moreso of a part-time, or on/off gf, then sure, discuss your thoughts/feelings with him, in an amicable, peaceful and non-judgemental way.
All the best and let me know how you go.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (23 January 2018):
There's a difference between Ms Right and Ms Right Now. Not everybody goes into a relationship wanting to be together forever, you can enjoy someone in a particular place and time but not want to marry them. They are valuable relationships like any other, they just have a sell-by date.
I think this relationship will fall into that type. He is old enough to know if he wants to go the distance with you, make plans etc but is equivocating like mad about it.
The fallacy is that men are afraid of commitment, they aren't they are just afraid of commitment with the woman or man that is asking them to commit. He may not want to commit with anyone- but also not you.
He may be a grown up man-child who never will, or it may just be you aren't the right woman. It's sad but it just is the way it is.
You sound like you have come on here to seek a consensus with dear cupid about how this guy really should see sense and become a partner with you, but it isn't us you need to agree to it. You can't logic someone into a relationship.
As said below, lay your cards on the table, tell him how long he has to decide, and if that time passes you need to cut it off, don't get strung along with platitudes.
Men don't put up barriers when they want to be with you, they break them down and climb over them if they have to. Your answer is right there.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (23 January 2018):
 That answer sounds as clear as mud.
I can understand where he's coming from on wanting to choose the right person, but you also want to know where the hell you stand. I agree that I don't understand why he's dating you if he says you're at different stages in life. It sounds a little to me like he might be looking for a way out and using that as an excuse, although i could easily be wrong.
I'd want to know what was happening just as you do. What's the point in wasting your time if you're on different pages? If I were in your shoes I'd lay my cards on the table, tell him exactly how YOU feel and what YOU want out of him and ask what he wants from you and hopefully you can make a decision from there.
I always feel a bit iffy when people want to know where they stand with someone and the other person gives a crappy answer like this. You either want to be with someone or you don't, there's no inbetween in my eyes.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 January 2018):
 I don't think it's unusual to have doubts at 4 months. It's still in the "getting to know you phase". So he might not be entirely sure about you two as a long term partnership.
The whole "worried" about picking the wrong partner. Well, there are no guarantees in life. While I DO think it's smart to TAKE your time getting to know a partner, possibly even live together BEFORE marriage, it still doesn't mean that you know HOW to pick the right partner.
BUT if he is ONLY dating you while you two wait to know WHERE you get your first full-time job, so he can see if it's CONVENIENT for him or not, I'd honestly be a lot less inclined to keep dating him. Also the notion that you get his schedule so YOU can plan around it... I find that just a bit... self-centered of him. Like his job somehow is more important that anything YOU do. I also find it odd that he is dating YOU but then point out that you are at different places in life. So WHY date you in the first place, it's not like you told him you already HAD an established career or that you were older like him... I can see why you would feel he is using you until he finds someone more "suitable"...
I think you have to decide how long you want to give this guy to feel comfortable.
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