A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Do I lose my virginity to the next girl that comes along or wait for someone I like? Should I pay for it? It makes me feel really bad about myself. I have a lot going on but the fact I've never had intercourse alone makes me feel like less of a man.I had an ex girlfriend and I loved going down on her and receiving oral sex. Along with limited dating experience, I think less of myself that no girl(that I could visibly tell) wants to have sex with me. I've come a long way since my ex girlfriend and look a lot better, dress better, have better social skills.I have several female friends and several male friends but the lack of sex makes me feel inferior to all of them. It also ruins my confidence to approach women out of nowhere, and I dont know where to/how to as I finish grad school soon and no longer have a pool of women closeby. I want my first time to not be traumatic and I keep thinking I'll be too nervous, she'll laugh at me etc.What should I do? Should I pay for it(I'll hate myself). Should I wait? I've joined those dating/hookup apps like Tinder/Bumble and may just take an opportunity if it comes up.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): Confidence is key. As a woman, I would not want to have sex with you because you have no confidence... You think too much and are worried the first experience will be "traumatic." It does not matter to me whether a man is a virgin or has sex 100 times, if he is not confident when we get into bed then it is a huge turnoff. If he tells me he is a virgin yet is confident with himself, his personality and body, then I would be more than happy to have sex with him. There are plenty of men and women who are NOT virgins yet are not comfortable with themselves in bed. That is not attractive. Work on your confidence first. Work on YOURSELF. There is NOTHING wrong with being a virgin at any age. It is not about the sex but about how you feel. Once you get into the right mindset your confidence will SHOW on the outside as well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): Confidence is key. As a woman, I would not want to have sex with you because you have no confidence... You think too much and are worried the first experience will be "traumatic." It does not matter to me whether a man is a virgin or has sex 100 times, if he is not confident when we get into bed then it is a huge turnoff. If he tells me he is a virgin yet is confident with himself, his personality and body, then I would be more than happy to have sex with him. Work on your confidence first. Work on YOURSELF. There is NOTHING wrong with being a virgin at any age.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2016): I read the full article the two responses so far. I am trying to make it a nonissue. I do want to have sex soon though. I dont want to look back and regret the sex I never had. I've gone to therapy over this and he told me many people are still virgins just act confident, you have other things going for you. One day I might get married and she might decide to not have sex anymore. I wouls feel imprisoned. I want to say that a few of my friends(women) have told me that I have more than surface value. That I would make good long term material. Hearing it from them doesnt translate internally because words mean one thing, actions mean differently. They're also the ones calling the guy who gets around "hot". Ive tried waking up each day and say "theres nothing wrong with you" in the mirror to accept I'm a virgin but its always fleeting. I've tried improving my body, style, hobbies. It's very fleeting and I dont know any guys who are confident despite being a virgin. The most confident seem to be the ones who have the most sex/attention from women.I'll keep trying but its clear sex is a huge part of my ego(like I imagine it is for most men) and gaining confidence and having sex(casual or meaningdul) will make me feel better.I am trying to quit porn as it has negative effects on me. Masturbating is getting depressing and I might abstain from it to build up frustration/deepen my voice/become more sexual around women.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (18 May 2016):
Question...What is a man???
Is a man someone with breast? A vagina? What is a man? A man is a someone with a penis...right??
Where does it say that a man is someone who had sex??? So how do you feel like less of a man because you have had no sex?
You want to be more of a man?? A real man? Then start learning how to do the right things now. Sex is not the only thing in this world. A woman is not there just for you to stick you penis in and go around bragging.
"I think less of myself that no girl(that I could visibly tell) wants to have sex with me.".....REALLY!!!
You think girls should run up and say "hey, let's have sex." I guess you watch porn, and in porn, the man just walks up and take 30 seconds and he is in her pants. Real life does not work that way.
Most women are looking for a long term man who will become their husband. They will offer sex to the one they feel is the best candidate for that role. Hopefully, she also waits until she is married. If all women waited until they were married before sex...I wonder what you would be doing right now?
I can tell you :) You would be looking for the right woman to make your wife, so you can have sex, and do things the right way. Not a hole to stick it in.
Learn to love a woman for everything else but sex. When she offers you sex, then it will be amazing.
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A
female
reader, BelleRose  +, writes (18 May 2016):
Firstly, being a virgin is not a thing to be ashamed of. It is a choice, but at the end of the day it is an action and not a label. There are people all over the world you are virgins. They may be jocks, in grad school, frat boys, or people who some may consider geeky. Many people also lie about it, including many of your friends. I would say be careful about rushing into it or paying for it. You need to be really sure it is what you want. It is best to do it with a girl who loves you and cares about you. In that case then you won't feel worried or ashamed if it doesn't go well, as she will be there with you and want to make you feel good. You have already had oral sex with your previous girlfriend. Therefore you know how to please a woman and that is the most important thing to a number of girls. So if the opportunity does come up, or you do fall in love, then be honest. Put her first, your priority is her pleasure and then she won't mind. A girl's pleasure is definitely a good way for you to relax and feel pleasure. So please don't rush it or run into it. You want this first time to be when you are feeling comfortable and you trust the person you are with. You don't want to rush the girl into it, or you won't come across as respectable. And if you are worried about the pool getting smaller, it only gets bigger and your business will most likely stay your business. Stay strong, BR xx
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 May 2016):
 Hi OP, read this great post: http://www.doctornerdlove.com/2014/05/the-problem-with-male-virginity/
"As with most issues, if we want to change the way that we treat male virgins, especially older ones, then we need to start with ourselves and our own relationship with our sexuality. And the first step is to quit letting yourself perpetuate the stigma of male virginity and the fucked up narrative. When you cry and moan about how awful that it is that you haven’t had sex yet, you contribute to the problem. You’re helping to perpetuate the idea that virgin = defect. Even when those complaints are turned inward and you’re silently castigating yourself , you are continuing to reinforce that there’s something wrong because you haven’t had sex yet."
"You have to learn to let go of being defensive about it or feeling embarrassed, to stop responding as though being a virgin means you’ve done something wrong or that there’s something wrong with you. It means you have to consciously reframe your own thought patterns, reminding yourself that not having had sex yet has no bearing on your value as a person no matter your age."
Bottom line is that you need to change your thought patterns. It's your thoughts and irrational beliefs that are creating your "problem."
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