A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I would like to tell you the whole story and maybe you could understand better but it's way too long and you'll propably get bored but heres the basics :-Meet boy-Start dating boy-Loose virginity to boy-Two weeks later we brake up-I try everything to get him back EVERYTHING-We stay as friends-I mess that up aswel-My best friend has feelins for him-He has feelings for her-They want to be together but its wrong because of me and they don't want to hurt me more. We broke up for no reason whatsoever , weel he though i was getting to attached and eventually go tired of me. I've tried evry single thing to get back with him but all that has done is push him away more and more , now my best friend admitted to liking him after i made it seem like i was over him.Fact is , im really not. and i've seen IM conversations and i can tell he really really likes her and so does she.What do i do? do i let them be happy together? what can i do to get him back?
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female
reader, Upenn_09  +, writes (31 May 2008):
 Hello,
I am sorry you are in this situation, I understand how difficult it must be.
Here are a few things that jumped out at me:
1)I try EVERYTHING to get him back
2)I mess up as well
3)You lied to your friend about liking him
1) I'm unsure as to what you mean by EVERYTHING but I'm not liking that word because of many reasons. If he doesn't want to be with you why would you put yourself through so much frustration?. He's told you his feelings and the fact that you keep trying only makes someone try to push you away. how would you react if a boy you don't like seems to do EVERYTHING he can to get you back?, wouldn't you feel uninterested?.
I was in this situation two weeks ago, a guy kept calling me HOME and e-mailing me, texting me, etc.. he didn't allow me to think about our date, he was basically at my throat, he didn't give me time to think/miss him, he was "available" everytime he called me, he'd call me at 7 am, to me that just suggests that he's desperate (I'm not saying you are but I hope you I'm explaining my point) and I felt somewhat scared.
2)I'm curious as to how you messed up? but the fact is that you unconsciously or consciously know you did something wrong. THis suggests to me that you are in pain and are trying to find a way to ease it/feel better. Take this as a flag, it's very important that you realize that this situation is hurting you more than actually helping you.
3)I certainly understand this as I've done it before but it never helped!, I lied to my friend I told her I didn't have feelings for her best friend (whom just played with me) and then she moved on to introduce him to his current girlfriend. I certainly understand your reasons (pride, etc...) from my own experience but it doesn't help if you lie to the people that care about you. I've learned that it's better to say "I don't want to talk about it" that way she'll know that it's still a somewhat touchy subject 4 u
Here's what I think you should do:
I know you are hurting, you might feel betrayed, confused, sad and the feelings I'm sure are overwhelming, but this situation is not healthy for you, if you don't get over your feeling this will become a baggage of "unhealthy"emotions that you'll be carrying with you and it might even prevent you from finding somebody worth your time.
You need to let yourself experience all the emotions that you are going through (grieve all you need), write them in a journal and then burn the pages (this will help you to give termination to your feelings).
Exercising/working out will help to get rid of all the tensions and negative feelings.
I know it's going to hurt but I think that you should let them be together for several reasons
They like each other and honestly it's not fair for any of you to put your lives on hold.
It's not fair to you because you are not making yourself emotionally available to someone that REALLY loves you.
If you chose to stay with him and he takes you back, you know what his feelings will be and I don't think that you will feel comfortable whenever your friend joins you or talks to your bf. None of you woul feel comfortable/happy in this situation
If you were your friend what would you like?
Also, DO forget about him and move on, but the best way to do us is to COMPLETELY CUT CONTACT WITH HIM AND YOUR FRIEND, i know this is drastic but from experince I will tell you TIME, PATIENCE AND DISTANCE will do the trick.
I suggest that you start by telling your friend your feelings and also tell her that you are doing an effort to forget about him and explain to her that you need to cut contact in order to achieve this. Erase/get rid of EVERYTHING that reminds you of this situation or him, then just be patience and do hang out with other friends, re-discover yourself! gain confidence from this experience don't let this situation put a hold in your life, learn something positive form this and enhance yourself from this!!!, take time on your own and really re-connect with yourself!.
Hope it helps!
A
male
reader, PeterPan  +, writes (31 May 2008):
 I'm going to answer this question by turning the tables on you. Suppose for a minute that the BF was your best friend's instead of you. They broke up and then you come along expressing interest. She had tried all she could to get back with the BF, but nothing was working -- basically, your story in reverse. I think that you should toss in the towel on this one and give them both your blessing. There's this thing called "karma" that works for you. Not only are you giving two people that you care about the opportunity to discover if they are right for each other, it opens a door for you someplace else bringing you closer to that somebody that's out there just for you!
Yeah, that may not be what you want to hear, but unfortunately I think it's best. Give them both your blessing and allow them to find happiness with each other. It also might be a little hard to be around them for awhile, but remain strong -- no matter what, these two people where (and are) people that you care about. If they (or you) need space, give it to them, or deal with them one at a time. Sometimes you can't recover a lost relationship -- it's an unfortunate fact, but also very true.
Best wishes -- there is the right match for you out there waiting to be found!
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