A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid.I think I know the answer but I need some advice...So, I have been helping out an ex from seven years ago with rent while he's jobless for the last six months (He rents out a room in a house) (I offered to help him) on top of the rent I have been buying him food, taking him places, bought him a new pillow, drawers for his clothes, gave him coat hangers etcAnyway the last time I saw and spoke to him was two weeks ago, he has been ignoring me since, has seen my Facebook messages but hasn't replied...(I haven't been able to pay his rent for the last 2 - 4 weeks)We have been romantically involved over the last couple of months (having sex kissing etc)I have been invited out with his house mates once, but not his friends or family...So currently I don't know where he is, according to his housemate he went to his brothers on a Thursday two weeks ago.. but hey, I don't know where he is cause he wont reply to my messages...before he started ignoring me, a couple of months ago he said he's interested in me but he needs more time, and also said when he gets a job he'll take me on date...He has also said he will pay me back the money he owes...but people I have told about all this, tell me not to count on it. His house mates are aware that I have been helping him out, they didn't know I was paying for all of his rent..It makes things hard because he has anxiety and depression.So I guess my question is, Do I keep trying to contact him, or do I cut ties with him regardless of the fact he owes me money...?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (9 November 2017):
 The police cannot do anything for you, basically you need to accept that this has happened and take from it that it is not wise to give people money no matter how close you feel to them. It is a hard way to learn but at least now you know in the future not to give away money so easy and let men walk all over you.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 November 2017):
 The police can't do anything for you. You don't even have a receipt for the money you lent him, he can deny that he ever got anything from you, or say that it was a gift ! How would you prove that you are owed that money ?...
But even if you had a receipt, and would bother to go through a lawsuit to get your loan back - HOW would you get it ?-
People always complain that " bank lend money only to those who already have moneY ".. and now you can see why ! If you are owed money that 's not being given back to you in time, , the law can help you putting a block on your debtor's property: a house, a car,.. stuff. But a bum who can't even secure himself a roof over his head ?!
Kiss your money goodbye, and consider this a precious, albeit costly, life lesson abot several different things , like :
1 ) don't lend money that you cannot eventually afford to lose, and if you really have to / want to, make it legal, with a regular signed contract.
2) don't try to buy love or attraction or gratitude. There's no money enough for that. The feeling is either there, or its not; and there's no price that can buy it. People value themselves , and their sexual freedom, above any price you are willing to pay in cash.
3 ) Don't sell yourself so short ! Love was never supposed to be such a struggle, and if you have to struggle for a man, i.e. bribe him, and posh and prod and entice and hunt them down to make him stay with you... then what you get it's not love, and most certainly it is beneath you. Learn to respect yourself. There's no man in the world who's worthy throwing away your dignity for.
Chin up. You could not bring yourself to block him on social media- and he blocked you : that's very good ! I think it's a sign that a benevolent Universe has decided to lend you a hand in kicking your unhealthy addiction to this loser :)
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (9 November 2017):
 The police cant do anything, you willingly gave this guy money.
BLOCK Him and move on with your life. You are NEVER getting that money back and you're much better off without this guy in your life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (9 November 2017):
 Contact the Police? Why?
YOU gave him that money. You can't prove it was a loan if you have nothing written down, besides the Police cannot do a thing. It's not a "crime" - it would be something you would have to take to small claim's court (or the UK equivalent) and only really if you can PROVE it was a loan.
OP, honey... SAY goodbye to that money and good riddance to him. BLOCK the asshat and move on. And in the future, do not LEND money to people you know won't pay you back. And IF you do loan money to someone HAVE a signed paper where they acknowledge that you LEND then money and they will pay you back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm 24 now.
so yes 7 - 8 years with this ex using me.
so turns out, he has turned off messages on facebook so I can't contact him, and it appears he has blocked my number too!
Is there any point in contacting the police over this?
So I tested him a couple of weeks ago by saying "I have the money for your rent" Which I didn't...and he didn't even reply...
So I'm guessing he's a using loser through and through!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (7 November 2017):
He's been ignoring you because you have stopped giving him money. When you can give money and help, he likes you- when you can't...not so much.
It's simple and evident, and I am glad it begins appearing evident to you too.
You fell for him at age 16 ? That would make it 6 to 9 years that you are chasing after a bum, - so it's high time to stop. It's like quitting smoking, better late than never !
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (7 November 2017):
Until you block him you will never move on.
I wouldn't be surprised at all if he manages to sucker you back in.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (6 November 2017):
It is a hard way to learn a lesson, but take from this not to lend money to friends again. I doubt you will see that money again and that is why he is ignoring you. No don't go around to him and confront him, the best thing to do is learn from it and move on from it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi.
If the guy get kicked out, he doesn't know where I live so won't be getting invited to stay or live with me that's for sure.
Yes, I can completely see where you are coming from with how as soon as I told him I couldn't help him, he starts ignoring me.
He has had a hold on me for years, because I fell for him at the age of 16...but I can now see what type of person he truly is...and yes a complete bum he is.
It probably wouldn't be worth visiting him, he would probably feed me the same lies as to why he's been ignoring me...
Unfortunely I don't have the heart to block him on facebook and other social media's.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (5 November 2017):
Honestly? Unless you have something in writing that states how much you lend him and how he is to pay it back, you might as well chalk this up to a loss.
And for you to try and chase him down? No. The money is GONE. He is not worth trying to keep around in your life.
I think you want to contact him because you still have feelings for him. And THAT is a disaster waiting to happen. you were hoping that showing him what a great girl you are by lending him the money he would actually pay you back, get a job and take you out on dates... instead, he took your money and ignored you. THAT is not a person you want to be around or in your life.
PLEASE learn from this. Don't "lend" money if you can't afford to "lose" that money.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (5 November 2017):
Really bad idea lending the money.
Definitely write it off, he's ignoring you for a reason. Notice how he's disappeared off the scene when you stop paying his way? He's a bum, let him survive on his own.
Use this as a lesson not to do this again.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (5 November 2017):
 If you lend a friend £20, and then they never contact you again, it's probably worth it.
I think, if you look at the replies you have had, you will realise that you are being told to write it off. By all means be generous in life, but don't be played.
If he hasn't two pennies to rub together then how will you get any money back? The next thing would be his getting kicked out of his accommodation and turning up on your doorstep, a homeless waif.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (5 November 2017):
If you lend a friend £20, and then they never contact you again, it's probably worth it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2017): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello everyone,Thank you for your advice.I know where he lives, should I go to the place he's living at and confront him about why he's been ignoring me or should I just leave it?I have contacted a friend of his asking if he can ask him if he's getting money from centrelink, and if he is then I'll be furious.I'm thinking he's ignoring me because of his anxiety, unable to pay for rent etc, ignoring me because I told him I couldn't help him....or he's met someone else...I just want my money back :(
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (24 October 2017):
Having sex with someone and paying his bills does not mean that you are romantically involved it means more that he has used you and also had his cake and ate it as well. Try and not beat yourself up about this, but he has used you and you have allowed it. Stop contacting him, learn now that people can take advantage and don't allow another guy to walk all over you again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2017): Cut ties !!! OMG you pay his rent and give him sex , what a lucky guy but darling you have been played . Get rid ... ignore him when he comes back...
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (24 October 2017):
 When "lending" money in this sort of situation, I always work on the assumption that I will never see it again so I only lend what I can afford to lose. Then, if I get it back, it is a bonus and a nice surprise. In your own words, you "offered to help". I assume that means he did not actually ask you for help. And it doesn't sound like he is in a position to pay you back, in the short term at least.
Why have you got romantically entangled with this bloke again? You have been there before. You split up for (I assume) good reasons. Why would you want to put yourself through that again?
Stop giving this guy money. I would also stop trying to contact him. Take a deep breath, hold your head high and walk away.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2017): He's holding the money he owes you over your head to eat you up inside. Has no intention of ever paying the money back; and since you've made it a bone of contention; he can use it to make you twist and turn with frustration.
Like everyone else has advised, cut your losses and go no contact. When people know they have something to hold over your head, you give them power. How can an unemployed man pay you back? Look at it as charity.
Let it go, and you will cut the strings that he's holding to make you dance. He will not be able to passive-aggressively keep you stewing in your own juices. Knowing he keeps something from you that you can't take back. He's an ex for a reason. This situation should serve as a reminder.
The money is not only a loss; but it symbolizes all that he has taken from you. That's giving that loser far too much power over your feelings and emotions. He can't give you back the love you gave in error, he can't turn-back time, and he can't stop the horrible feelings you feel. Time will free you.
Karma will will repay you all that is due you. He will reap what he sows; but you have to move forward and forgive. He will freeze you in time if you let him. It will always be stuck in his mind that he took money from the lady who once loved him, but never paid it back. It's makes him less than a man. Sometimes we must forgive those who have hurt or used us. It's necessary to move forward, and to move on.
Anxiety and depression really isn't his only problem. He used you. You're really hurt, because you got played. It was all voluntary. He didn't put a gun to your head, and you neglected to get him to put it writing that he'd pay you back, or you could sue him for it. If you have all your receipts, text messages, or emails that he specifically states that he promises to pay you back? Maybe you can sue him in small-claims court. No proof, no money back!
It would do you better to let it all go, and get on with your life. NO CONTACT!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (23 October 2017):
Nope, count the money you spend on him as a loss. Then you BLOCK his sorry ass.
The guy was using you. You paid his rent and food - he "paid" you back in sex and fake intimacy (at least I think THAT is how he sees it).
He isn't interested in you beyond your wallet. And when you couldn't pay more rent for him, he started to ignore you.
OP, wise up.
Focus on your own life, you don't need to rescue every stray you come across. Helping out is fine, but it shouldn't be at the cost of your own self-respect and dignity.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (23 October 2017):
Stop contacting him. Why, do you think that if you keep pushing , you'll see your money back ? unlikely. You have been trying to contact him for the past 2 weeks, and he has been ignoring you, and not even bothering to let you know when, or IF, he is coming back. He is owing you money right now, isn't he ?, but obviously that does not prevent him from pulling a Houdini on you. I don't think he is that fazed at all about paying you back. If he will, he will ( but don't count on it ! ) . It's not knowing that you are looking for him which will make him pay back sooner- or reappear sooner. If any, just the opposite.
I find a very interesting coincidence that , the moment you stopped paying his rent, -that's also the moment he seemed to have lost interest in you. You must have noticed that...
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (23 October 2017):
No, do not try to contact him any more. You have gone the extra mile and that is enough. Because you help someone, it doesn't mean that you get to buy into their life.
For whatever reason he isn't available. You have tried to help him out, but now he has to find his own way. Don't expect the money back. It may come but treat it more as if you had made a gift to an old friend.
Much of his anxiety and depression will be relieved when he gets back in work. If he were to come to rely on you then you would be doing him no favours.
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