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Do I keep talking to her even though she doesn't deserve it whatsoever?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Teenage, The ex-factor, Troubled relationships, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 January 2009) 7 Answers - (Newest, 9 May 2009)
A male United States age 26-29, anonymous writes:

My ex and I were together for about 2 years, we were very much in love, we were both each others first true love, and everything was great up until a couple months before it ended. i pretty much made her the center of my life. we did everything together. and i guess she started feeling boxed in and she wanted to go out and do things with other people. i had a bad anxiety/worrying problem at the time, and i didnt like the crowd she wanted to hang out with. i knew enough about them to know that they werent a good crowd. so of course i didnt like that she wanted to go hang out with these people. and it didnt help my anxiety at all that she didnt want me to be a part of it at all. i couldnt go meet her new friends. i couldnt go meet the guys she was going to be around. i couldnt go with her to the parties on weekends where she was drinking. and in my mind, it shouldnt be a problem for your boyfriend to come a long to parties, or to meet her new friends, especially the guy friends. and what made it even worse, she would never answer any questions i asked. she would get home from the party or from hanging out with people and i would just be trying to have conversation with her and ask things like 'what did you guys do, who were you with'.. things like that. i at least would like to know whats going on in her life outside of me if she wasnt going to let me be a part of it. she would always be short with me. who'd you hang out with? just some people what did you guys do? just hang out. she would just give me short answers like that, and i absolutely hated it. and of course it raised suspicion and made me ask more questions. and in her mind, i was just being crazy and controlling and was just digging for information. i guess i was digging for information after she wouldnt give me any in casual conversation. things just got worse and she eventually broke up with me. i was completely crushed. we acted like a couple for a couple months and things were exactly the same until one night she went out to a party and didnt tell me and ignored my texts and calls all night and the next day. and finally she picked up 2 days later. and claims she was ignoring me because she didnt want to deal with me being pissed at her for going to a party and ignoring me. that pissed me off beyond belief. we got in a big fight, and didnt talk for like two weeks. i texted her after two weeks and was getting really strange responses from her, I knew it wasnt her talking. so i called, and some random person picked up and there was a lot of noise in the background.

She was at another party. and i heard her yelling at who ever picked up the phone to hang up. and i heard from her the next day. she pretty much told me that us not talking 'was working'. whatever the hell that means. and said she didnt want to talk to me anymore for a long while. i was completely destroyed again. i didnt know what i would do without her. i went really down hill the next few months. i quit my job, and stayed in my house doing drugs and drinking alone heavily. then i decided to contact her again. i called her up and told her i needed her in my life and asked her of we could start talking again and said things would be different. she said ok. we started talking again and she pretty much led me on and made me believe we would get things fixed between us and be back together. then i randomly got a text from her saying she was with someone else. and it was someone in the crowd i didnt want her hanging out with. i completely lost it. went through the whole anger stage, them the begging.. then just accepted it and she told me again she didnt want me in her life. so i spend another month or so doing the same shit and just feeling sorry for my self and then i decided to get a life back. i started hanging out with my old friends again, met new people, made new friends, started doing things again. then she all the sudden decides to barge back in. she all the sudden wants me back as a friend and wants me to be ok with her being with this other guy. i keep telling her no and she just keeps being persistent at wanting me back as a friend. i told her us being just friends wouldnt work and she sent me back and forth a few times saying she was going to dump this other dude and get back with me then changing her mind.

Well eventually she realized this guy was a complete jack ass and she dumped him and now they arent talking at all. she comes back to me saying he was a huge mistake and she wishes she could take it back bla bla bla. i tell her to give me some time. i started talking to her again right after christmas. it had been 8 months sense she kicked me out of her life the first time. We started talking, it was going great. we talked everything out. she said she wasnt going to screw up anymore and wasnt going to hurt me anymore and i said i would do the same. and i gave her my complete trust like i never even could give her when we were together. i was going to be fine with her hanging out with other guys, she said i could be included in her life and she wouldnt be trying to just keep me out of everything. things were looking good. we had a date planned, we were gonna make up, possibly get back together. on new years, we were both going out to party with our friends. i knew she was going to party, and i was fine with it. we had talked and said we werent going to do anything stupid. she tells me on the first that she screwed up again and made out with someone when she was drunk. i knew the person too, and used to be good friends with him. he didnt know we were talking again and getting on good terms, so i dont blame him like i do her. i still confronted him about it though. she says she swears now that she wont screw up any more, and will completely devote herself to me and she's not going to drink ever again and all this crap.

For some reason, I fell for it. Today's the 5th, I've seen her twice sense the first. slept over at her house both times. and it seems to be going good. its still kind of emotional, im not over everything she did. i was just getting over the guy she got with after me when she dumped the new years thing on me too.. i dont know what im supposed to do. im always having second thoughts and wondering if i am doing the right thing by talking to her again and giving her another chance. still when i ask her questions for normal conversation about her life, i get short answers and sometimes she will just be defensive. i dont know what to do. i just cant seem to keep away from her. now that shes back in my life, shes all i can think about again, my life outside of her just seems boring again.

what do i do? Do I keep talking to her even though she doesn't deserve it whatsoever? do i cut her off and say we need to go separate ways? this is all jsut so confusing.

sorry for the huge wall of text. i didnt think anyone could give me a right answer if i just made that long story short

View related questions: broke up, christmas, crush, drugs, drunk, get back together, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2009):

(this all has a point even though i rant about myself first i promise!)...well i cant say that my ex got very defensive with me. But about 3 weeks ago i got left for another girl and yes it hasent been nearly as long for me as it has you but i was with this girl for about 10 months and well we broke up once and got back together within that time. Throughout our whole reltationship i slowly started hating her friends so much cause like u i can tell if its a bad crowd. She would of course spend time with me. But she always filled her book with her friends and i'd half to complain every week that we werent spending enought time toghether. Every time she said she was going anywhere i immediately got irritated that she didnt ask if i wanted to do anything. especially if it was days...i bought her out and spent a nice chunk of cash on her birthday...i slaved helping them move since they dont have much money and i finally won the respect of the mother after she found out we were having sex...then 2 weeks before MY birthday...she leaves me for another girl. I havent talked to her since i didnt swallow my pride and beg or was a terrible relationship and the ending was terrible. she didnt act different or anything up until the last second! she even lied and said it was for a guy...that really hurt me and i was so shitty for weeks. Now im over it but i was still miserable at the fact that she had everything and i had her and her new girlfriend are over after just a couple weeks. and thinking about talking to her, being her friend, when she dosent deserve it a single bit. You my friend let urself keep your mind on her and well you dont miss miss a relationship in general. You miss the care the love and everything and now well your setting yourself up for more of the same...look deep down inside. She's turning back to her old ways if i read your writing right. People make the same mistakes alot sometimes for some reason...she dosent even deserve your friendship but well, forgive and forget. If you want to set urself up for another heartbreak stay with her. If not well i think you should stay good friends...

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2009):

Wassup Man Im going through the same thing! I love this gurl to death! We got into a fight so bad that I had to move from Florida to Cold Ass Ohio To stay With my Dad! And Its Really All Her Fault! I was Vulnerable and she took advantage of me! She keeps doing it again and again! But Its Time that I get Even! I really Dont want to But Its Just to teach her A lesson!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2009):

f being friends. im in a rather similiar situation, except the girl who broke my heart is not such a devil so if the time comes where we try to do it again, i will give her a chance. she knows im only willing to try again in a very serious fashion. anyway, i say leave her be because you know she will contact you when she wants to and then you will be able to decide what to do. she's playing you anyway, so just give it to her once in a while and other times tell her to f off. youll feel better about yourself. and yeah, i get blacked by myself just like you. sucks

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009):

i cant even get her to want to talk to me. it seems like she was saying everything she could and doing everything she could to keep me in her life after she fucked up, but now that she knows im here she can just ignore my texts and calls unless for some reason she has something to ask me to say to me. i know shes doing this because she knows she can get away with anything and ill still be here. i cant friggin' help it. i cant keep away from her and she just tears me apart by not giving a shit. and i try to tell her how i feel and she just doesnt want to hear it. its like its a fucking chore for her to talk to me. and i cant seem to just move on..

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A reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009):

Wow you gave her 100% of your trust and allowed her to be her own person and this is how she treated you, my angel to be honest with you, she does not deserve you, you sound like such a decent guy, you say you hung out in your apartment doing drugs… well I did that once or twice and once all your stuffs finished your problem is still sitting there, drugs numb the pain but it never takes it away, this girl might love you but what does she love more you or her need to party, I am sure that on the next chance she gets she will do the same thing all over again, Ive been with the same man for 5 years and I am only 22, I love him to bits but yea I am a woman and it does make me feel good when I walk into a club, and I see guys staring at me, it makes me feel hot and sexy, I like it when they flirt but I know the boundaries, I have a boyfriend and I am committed so I will let them know not to step over the line, but that must be something you want, she obviously think she can fuck up and you will take her back every time, maybe you should be the asshole and tell her you need to slow things down be friends for a while, give her rope and she might hang herself just don’t let her hang you with her. I am not saying this girl is bad, but you deserve a person who will treat you the way you treat them with dignity and respect…

Someone told me once if someone hurts you once its their fault ….

They hurt you twice its yours

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2009):

Thanks for the replys everyone.

i really think i should let her go, i just cant seem to do it. i would love for things to be fixed too though. i want to be able to trust her. i want to be able to put the past in the past. but i cant seem to do those either.

it also just seems like ill never find anyone as good or better than her. i thought she was the best thing to ever happen to me then she turned into the worst. now i dont even know.

just sucks. i dont know what to do. i dont want her to hurt me again, and i know it will hurt to let her go. i just cant believe she would do the things she did after everything we had and went through together.

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A female reader, rbrbrb United Kingdom +, writes (5 January 2009):

hey this is obviously just my opinion but i think you shouldn't get back with her but still talk to her and keep a friendship....people make mistakes over and over and i know its like she is completally using you but you probably know if shes really like that or not....just keep the friendship is what i say .. Good luck

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