A
male
age
36-40,
*damg25
writes:I am still asking myself what went wrong after what seemed to be a perfect 5 year relationship in which we lived together. I was ready to get married, I always have felt that I am a good man. The problem... I couldn't say no, I basically waited on this girl hand and foot, I am not saying she is an ungrateful person, she is actually one of most gentle kind people I have ever met, she just doesn't have any drive to try and deal with everday life (growing up)we are both in our mid 20's. I worked 2 jobs (one of which is a demanding career postion) and made all the meals including lunches for work. I did 90% of the household cleaning, and handled all the finances (which is not the way it should be), after a while it seemed maybe like I was burning out, slightly depressed, out of touch maybe.Our love life was still amazing and we got along so well though. She decided to leave me, it felt unclear why, one of the things she told me was that I did not trust her enough, maybe it seemed that way but I think it was more feeling of resentment and frustration in the fact I felt it was unfair to be the one carrying all the weight. She seemed to be getting tired of me asking for help and started acting out in a way lately, that is why I may have started to seem as if I was losing trust but I did tell her that I felt it was more of feeling that I could tell something was wrong with her feelings. Throughout all of this I still feel I was a gentleman to her. Will I ever get over this.. yes I think so, but this situation has made me feel very unconfident and am wondering if I do have a trust or control issue here. I don't feel that it is as big of an issue as she made it out to be but would love to hear from some of you on if there is something I can try and improve on in my next relationship. Thanks Adam
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male
reader, adamg25 +, writes (26 November 2008):
adamg25 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks I took something from all your responses and am moving forward these days much appreciated.
A
male
reader, Beery  +, writes (23 October 2008):
 I would not see a 5-year relationship where you worked two jobs AND did the vast majority of the housework "a perfect relationship". This was a deeply abusive and one-sided relationship where one person did almost all the work and the other took advantage. It soured when the person who was doing all the work had the temerity to ask for a little help.
You should thank your lucky stars that this woman decided to move on. I think she will have a shock when she enters the real world after you basically treated her like a queen. You need to figure out how to have a relationship in which BOTH partners work together. After all, you are as responsible as she was in getting to the abusive state you were in. A relationship should not mean slavery for one partner - that goes for the man or the woman. We are not living in the 18th century anymore.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing +, writes (23 October 2008):
 I think she just got bored. Perhaps you weren't forced into doing everything for her, but you chose to do this so you could feel like you were taking care of her, or somehow in control of her. Some men have difficulty allowing a woman to work outside the home and have a little independence. If this was the case in your situation, she probably started to feel like a caged canary and decided the only way she was going to learn how to fly, is to jump out the window and start flapping her wings. I can't tell if she was lazy, and allowed you to do everything for her, or if you enabled her to do nothing. Everyone needs to have some independence. They need to be able to use their brains, make a few mistakes, make choices, and pull their own weight. Women do not really like being taken care of anymore. Our brains tend to shrivel. But we do like to know we have someone we can count on and there is a difference. Take a good look at your relationship and see how you might have done things differently so that you can make the right changes next time around. I suspect you gravitate towards women who seem helpless, but then you work yourself to death trying to do everything for them. You can't do that anymore. It smothers them, and burns you out. Healthy adult relationships are about independence and the freedom to chose to be together, not out of necessity but out of desire. I wish you the best.
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A
male
reader, Crafter  +, writes (23 October 2008):
 Hey Adam,
Let me start by saying that you are insane. Thanks.
Obviously you're a very responsible person and I see no reason to torment yourself over a girl. Someone that loves you and cares for you will not let you do all (almost all) of the household work. That's just plain stupid. As a matter of fact I can't bring myself to understand how could you put up with this for such a long period of time. Either way...
It's a wonderful way of looking at it - experience. At least now you'll know what to look for and hopefully the next one - and there will be a next one - will treat you with the respect you deserve, buddy.
Best of luck.
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