A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:hi i need some help and im not sure if i have a right to be upset with my bf. Im sorry if this is long but im trying to give as much background info as I can.ive been with my boyfriend for 4 months now and we became sexually active after the first month. To cut a long story short, he broke up with his ex to be with me as he had had feelings for me for months and i did for him but we never told each other. The first time we had sex he apologised to me the next day saying sorry if it was rubbish or didnt last long enough but he was nervous. I said he had nothing to apologise about and i enjoyed it and he said he enjoyed it too, he was just a bit disappointed but practice makes perfect. That threw me a bit because i thought the sex was good but he obviously didnt.We've now only had sex about 10 times and he kept stopping half way through. Ive written to Dear Cupid about this because I wasnt sure why he kept stopping and got some great advice (thank u :-) ). He basicaly said it was because i am quiet in bed and he could never tell if he was satisfying me so it put him off of sex. However, we chatted about this and ive got some confidence to make some noise that comes natural and i thought things were fine. However, for the past month hes been completely avoiding sex and it was really starting to get to me so i asked him about it on the phone and he said we needed to talk face to face but he kept putting it off and so last night i told him he had to talk to me. He said he was worried I was going to punch him in the face or something so i said to talk to me online and so we did. But what he said really upset me but i dont know if im overeacting?he said that im too quiet still but ive told him im not a screamer and im not going to fake it with him because im not like that. Yes i admit that im quite quiet but im not silent and i do make it verbally clear that im enjoying it.he said that it doesnt feel very passionate between us at the minute but he thinks its because we're both too nervous around each other.he said that i dont touch him enough and get involved in foreplay enough. However, the few times when we've had sex, hes gone soft halfway through or just stopped halfway through or just ended the foreplay before we've got to actual intercourse and it was really knocking my confidence and i guess that i just havnt seen the point in touching him as i know hes just going to eventually push me away or stop things. He said he would stop halfway through either because he went soft or because i was too quiet and he couldnt tell if i was enjoying it.im a very self conscious person and am not completely comfortable with my body in the sense that i wont get changed in front or him but i let him touch me and i will undress for sex - just would prefer to keep my top on. Im slowly dealing with these issues and getting better at them but he said my self confidence issues are making it harder for him to have sex. i guess he must feel nervous about it or soemthinghe also said that he finds it hard because things with his ex were "undoubtably better sex wise" but that "was down to the relationship they had". His ex was his first sexual partner and i am his second and because she was very sensitive, he found sex easier and better with her.finally he said that i sometimes get too wet so sometimes he cant feel anything during intercourse whilst with his ex he could.these comments really upset me because i know hes always comparing me to his ex and it feels like im never going to live up to her. Its made me so nervous to see him becuase i feel so much pressure to make sex perfect for him but he wants me to be louder and not self conscious but i cant! I wont be natural or me if he wants me to change in the ways he's said. Im nervous about foreplay now because i just dont think im going to be any good, but also, if i get too wet so that he cant feel anything physically during sex, whats the point?Hes said that if we work on foreplay together things should hopefully get better but again whats the point if i get too wet? i dont know what to do. im upset but the comments about his ex and how sex was better with her but he was just being honest like i asked him to so do i have a right to be upset or am i overreacting?
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broke up, confidence, foreplay, his ex Reply to this Question |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 Since you've gotten a lot of GREAT advice I will stick with the YOU issue at hand. (Just got to say, he shouldn't be comparing). Anyways, what Tisha is saying about looking at yourself and enjoying your body is a huge clue into your ordeal. I have a friend who has a great body (only a little chubby) and she won't use sexy lingerie for her partner because she feels too self conscious. The truth is her partner loves her body and doesn't like her inhibitions! Your boyfriend wouldn't be with you if he didn't like your body.
Now... this doesn't have to do with him. If you are with him or with some other guy, the truth is most guy are very active sexually and they like to experiment and change and fun during sex. So.. you need to work on what is making you not feel sexy or comfortable so you can really enjoy sex and not just do things for them. Keeping the shirt on sometimes might be ok, but I would mainly do that in a quickie. Most of the time, feeling your partners skin on top of yours is a major thing and it makes a stronger bond between the two of you.
Why don't you go out and buy some sexy cloths, maybe a strip tease educational video (LOL), make a cd of sensual music and some incense. Then, at home, alone, put the music and the sexy cloth on and dance to it. See about how you look and how sexy you are... no guy is going to want to miss that!! Do this a couple of times. Buy some gstrings and use them occasionally, they will likely make you feel sexy (no matter what other cloth you have on). Masturbate in front of a mirror, look at yourself. Try talking like Tisha told you when alone and see how you feel about it.
Sometimes is hard to let go when having sex, but you need to explore a bit more with your sexuality so you feel comfortable enough with it. When you are ready, plan a date with your BF and take your sexy cloths and your CD and your incense. Get creative and have fun!
A
female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (12 June 2008):
 "Hes always comparing me to his ex and it feels like im never going to live up to her"
I fear your right. The kind of pressures this guy is putting on you is not right, and will make you frightened about sex. Your not doing anything wrong, he's the one with the problem. Your too wet, your too quiet. Anything you do is wrong, because it's not like his ex.
This is unfair, and very unflattering to you. If you find a new partner, you will find they will give you compliments about everything you do in bed. Leave this guy before he scars you mentally and makes you afraid of sex. He's having regrets and probably feeling a little guilty. He's taking his feelings out on you and this is not fair. If he loved you, he would compliment you and try to make you happy, not criticise and make you feel insecure.
You deserve better than being second class in this relationship. No matter how hard you try, you will never be enough for this guy. Leave him before he destroys your confidence and makes you feel even worse.
About the wetness. Yes I have a similar problem, and I find it embarrasing. But the men I know love it and refuse to have sex with me untill I get as wet as they know I can. They are grown men and take it as a compliment to their own desirability, anything less, they think is a cheat and they refuse to have sex without it.
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A
female
reader, Aeval  +, writes (12 June 2008):
 ooo I am with Tisha-1 although i may want to do more than chat with this little boy.
Women get wet, thats how men know they are doing a good job, if we don't then it just plain hurts!.
I don't think you are over reacting at all I think that you need a new boy friend!
He sounds like he is playing some horrible games with you.
I wish you lots of luck and I hope you find a man who knows how to treat a woman!
XX
Av
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A
female
reader, i might be a girl but i can help +, writes (12 June 2008):
 first of all ur not overreacting. i understand. My boyfriend says i get too wet, well he should be pleased to be honest that means his doing a gd job. Ok wen u make a couple of noises and my boyfriend is kind of the same he likes it when i make a lot of noise this can mean e.g.talking dirty like we have dirty names for eachother while we have sex he says that it helps for him to enjoy. It fine to sometimes fake it if he wants to make noise go for it. it helps to boast his ego which relases the pressure off u. and u can get down to enjoying. As for the ex, sometimes guys just can't get over their exs, and sometimes in a way u have to deal with this, it doesn't mean ur not good, his a guy and wants everything to perfect just like with her, but he needs to learn that every girl is different, and thats the way it has to be. Relax more and u will slowly come to u to make a noise when u enjoy, i was like that the first couple of times he said i was too quite and it upset me but i delt with it. All im going to say is enjoy it ok. if he makes u upset u anymore leave him because its not fair.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  + ♥, writes (11 June 2008):
 Oh, I so want to have a little chat with your boyfriend. But, seeing that it's you that's asked for help, I will offer up these thoughts.
First of all, bringing up how sex was with the ex is a major no-no. This is simply not a good idea, and tells me that your boyfriend is still quite immature in the matter of relationships. The only thing this does is bring another person into the bed with you, and forces comparisons and enhances insecurities and just isn't helpful at all. So I would tell him that you simply don't care to hear about how his ex did things anymore, end of discussion on that matter.
Now back to you, you sound like you are still very new to this, and are still insecure about your body and can't relax enough to simply let it all hang out. So to speak. Let me tell you, at your age, your body is as beautiful and natural and lovely as it will ever be. Plastic surgery notwithstanding. You do need to learn to feel comfortable with being naked and exposed, but that can only come from within you. And if he'll stop comparing you to the ex, the idiot, he can help with this too. Does he tell you that you are beautiful and sexy and desirable? If he's not, hmm, tell him you need to hear these words from him. If he needs to to be more vocal, then so you too might need some verbal confidence boosting from him.
A little idea for you, I hope that you don't think I'm crazy, but you need to spend some time looking at yourself in the mirror when you're nude. Examine your body, caress it, and tell yourself that you are beautiful, unique and attractive. If this idea makes you uncomfortable, then you need to have a good think about how you feel about yourself and your sexuality. Don't be looking for the flaws that every woman seems to think she has. Look at the beauty of your curves and your form. Nobody has a perfect body, everyone can find some fault with something. But we are all beautiful in our own way and have something to be admired. Find that in yourself.
Back to the sex with him. Right, no one likes to feel that they are doing all the work. If he were to lie back and expect you to do everything all the time, you'd get bored with it quickly. You need to take some initiative and reach for him and caress him and let him know that you find him attractive and sexy too. Dive right in there, don't wait to be asked, don't wait for permission. Get in there and TOUCH him!
Back to you again, and the wetness thing. His complaint about this boggles my mind. The fact that you are so wet should be a huge clue to him that you are very turned on! Most men would dream about finding such a responsive partner who gets so wet. This takes me back to the idea that he's still new at this himself. He doesn't have much sense, it seems to me, if he complains about this, AND has the sheer gall to compare you to the ex. Gads, what is he thinking? Okay, that wasn't much help, I know, but DO NOT be embarassed or concerned about being too wet. This is his issue, not yours, your bits are working just fine.
I understand how you feel about faking screaming or too much moaning. But you can say 'mmmm that feels GREAT' when it does, and 'oooh I love that' and 'you make me so hot I just can't STAND it!' Sounds like mmmmm, and aaahhh and oooooh should be easy to make. I think it goes back to some of your inhibitions and the comfort level you seem to be in. It'll come naturally once you've relaxed enough to let yourself go a bit. But don't feel that you have to 'act.'
Talking about sex isn't easy for lots of people, especially if you don't really feel comfortable and relaxed and trusting enough about it. This you two do need to work on together, and I think it might be best if you two were not in bed when you talk about it, but if you were both relaxed and cozy on the sofa after a nice evening together. Which will get me to my last point. Sorry for how long this is.
Sex should be fun. Yes, fun and funny too. It's not a deadly earnest encounter that has a fixed choreography to it. Being able to laugh and smile and joke a bit and tease and just giggle about things is a really good thing. Yes, there are times when things get a bit more intense, but there is a lighter side to it and I don't hear that you two have that going on. It all sounds deadly earnest, and goal oriented and just simply not much fun.
So look for the joy and laughter and fun in it. And you do need to tell him to knock of the comparisons with the ex. And be proud of your own beauty. And simply learn to let go.
Hope this helps, sorry it was so long!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2008): I dont think your overreacting!!! I think he has a huge ego and very insecure about himself so its easier to make it your fault!, and it also sounds like he still hung up on his ex............ Dont blame yourself he is too high maintenance so let some other fool deal with, your better than this so move on to someone who is not such a twat!. And as for the self confidence on your part get over it hun! I used to be exactly the same about my body but the good news is when you get over it sex is so much better and men find confident women very attractive! Please dont let this guy destroy your mojo!
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A
female
reader, loops +, writes (11 June 2008):
No you are not overreacting, you are not his ex, and he shouldnt be comparing you to his ex in any form of way, you are two different people. if his ex was so marvelous he wouldnt have left her for you.
If you are only his second sexual partner he should realise that it means learning a new person over again, you should be asking each other what is right, and working on it, trying new things. not having a go at each other.
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