A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Almost 2 years ago i started a relationship with a guy (call him A), he didnt work and suffered with ptsd and would tell elaborate lies. After 4 months we ended things so to speak, we drifted apart very fast. Fast forward to 2 month ago and i joined a dating site and got talking with a nice guy (call him B ) we have met up 3 times in 8 weeks he said he likes me but doesnt know what he wants even tho we both have the same outlook on life. He split from his ex 8 month ago. Then out of the blue my ex emailed me to see how i was and has now said he wants a relationship. A doesnt work has many issues but knows what he wants , B is stable own job busy life but is unsure. Im more attracted to B emotionally and physically. Both know i would like children but i dont have time on my side. Im not sure what to do. Do i try again with my ex or do i see if things could lead anywhere with B ? It sounds like settling for 2nd best with my ex but i know he would have children sooner rather than later but with B he seems to be the perfect guy on paper and in person
View related questions:
his ex, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious + ♥, writes (14 August 2019):
 If EITHER of these guys was the one for you, you would not hesitate to choose him. Have you considered that maybe NEITHER of them is right for you? I suspect you are lowering your standards due to your age and your desire to have children (knowing you only have a certain amount of time).
Have you considered that you may not be able to have children? Would you want to be with EITHER of these men if that was the case?
In your shoes I would cut loose from both of them and start again.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 August 2019):
 With the first guy, A, things did not work, and they would not work this time either because nothing has changed : he is still out of work, he has still tons of issues, etc. etec. He was an inadequate partner then and he still is now,- and you know it perfectly because you admit that you would be sort of making do with him, you'd only take him back because you are desperate for children. But he sounds not only inadequate as a partenr, he sounds inadequate as a parental figure / role model too ! maybe you can settle for mediocrity, by why do you want to give your kid a mediocre parent ?... Or, if you don't want A to be involved, and only want to use him as a sperm donor : why this guy. You can make arrangements with some other random guy, or go to a sperm bank.
As for B, yes you'd like him better, but.... forgive my bluntness - I think he does not like you the same way as you like him. He dos not reciprocate. 3 dates in 8 weeks ? And " he does not know what he wants " ?OP, this is just code for " Whatever it is that I may want- it's surely NOT you ". Don't waste time and energy on B, I mean, if you do not have high expectations and you are not going to get your heart broken , go ahead and still hang out with him, and enjoy whatever is there to enjoy with him- but do not try to drag him into your maternity scheme because : you would fail epically and or / you would be dragging him into it kicking and screaming ( again, your child- any child ! deserves better ).
I know that you hear your biological clock ticking, and you really want a child, but, OP, first of all " you can't always get what you want " , - such is life- and you'd better wrap your head around it. And/ or, as other posters have suggested, there may be other ways to fulfill your maternity wish ,through fostering or adoption. Or, since life is unpredictable, you may still meet a third man, let's call him C, with whom you can fulfill your wish. But it makes sense that the less time you waste with inadequate A and uncommitted B- the more you maximize your chances to meet someone else ( C ) !
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (13 August 2019):
 OK, your ex and you didn't work out. Issues such as PTSD are not going to EVER go away. With a lot of work they CAN come under control, but they are ALWAYS there.
He might know WHAT he wants, but it's more of a fantasy than reality.
HOW is he supposed to help with a family if he doesn't work? If he isn't seeking help with his issues? HE hasn't changed since you were with him and he isn't LIKELY to change.
As for guy #2. Stop wasting your time. If a guy tells you that he doesn't KNOW what he wants... then he definitely doesn't WANT to be with you. At least not for now, He doesn't want to be alone and he might NOT be over his ex. Wither way, HE is wasting your time.
I'd go for neither. And block #1 (the ex) from contacting you again.
Only reason you are even LOOKING at the ex is because you want a kid. But you need to think a BIT further than that. A CHILD deserves more than a father that has so many issues.
Desperation is RARELY a good mindset for picking the FATHER of your possible child.
...............................
A
female
reader, suzzzque269 +, writes (13 August 2019):
 my advice is to completly ignore the first guy...he sounds completely toxic! as for the 2nd guy, hes being honest in saying he doesnt know what he wants. theres a good chance he isint gonna be around anyways.
i know you want kids but sometimes life doesnt work out the way we want it to. have you looking into fostering/adoption?
...............................
|
