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Do I contact him over this rude breakup?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Breaking up<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (5 January 2018) 10 Answers - (Newest, 10 January 2018)
A female United Kingdom age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I got in from work to find a email off my boyfriend saying because I'm not an animal person (he has a cat) it won't work out. I have a cat myself. He has blocked me off everything and I don’t know why so I can’t ask him. I knew he was having a few mental health issues but it's bizarre how he has done this. I have written a letter to him but I’m not sure if I should post it. It's just saying it was unfair to block me and not let me reply to him to talk things over and he needs to be 100 per cent sure it's what he wants and if he never wants to see me again then I'll accept it. I’m gutted he has done this and I’m in shock. We have been together 4 months. Should I post the letter or use a friends' email or just forget him and move on?

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A female reader, xsugarx Cyprus +, writes (10 January 2018):

Seems like he was trying to hurt you with any excuse to run away without doing it respectfully. I wouldn’t bother with the letter Hun. He’s not worth your words just like his excuses.

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (9 January 2018):

aunt honesty agony auntI get you want to have your say really I do but it is not going to make a difference. He has blocked you because he is a coward who could not do it to your face. I would not give him the satisfaction off an email or even asking him if he was sure. He has made up his mind and now you need to move on. Spend time with family and friends, cry and be sad if you need to be then slowly get your life back to how it was and soon he will be a distant memory.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (5 January 2018):

Sorry, I meant to say:

"At least he wasn't violent or verbally-abusive to you."

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (5 January 2018):

People choosing to dump you want as little drama and confrontation as possible. Their reasoning or intentions make little difference; when they've cutoff all means of contact. It means that's as much as they want to deal with the situation. So you take it for what it is.

You will have to find your own closure and focus on getting over him. We all have to learn how to take rejection and loss with grace and resilience. People decide they want to move on, and some don't feel the necessity to sit-down at the negotiation table and have a conference about it. Some are rude and downright cold. We have to summon some inner-strength, collect our dignity, and just let them go.

He knew you would plead for an explanation; and he knew there would be drama. He went no-contact, because he didn't want to deal with your emotional-reaction. He just wanted a clean ending and a quick-breakup. Selfish though it may be, you have little choice but to accept it.

You saw it coming, there were signs and clues. He obviously doesn't believe you're the kind of animal-lover he is. I'm certain that was pointed-out or discussed before. His explanation is certainly peculiar; and I would say such a small-minded reason is a red-flag about his grip on reality.

Apparently, you didn't show enough love for HIS cat!

I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry that he couldn't be more sensitive and considerate about how he went about it. I got dumped too, so I know exactly what you're feeling. We didn't even have a series of fights or a show-down. It was fun up to the very end. He had a lovely little breakup-speech and everything. I felt no better about being dumped. It hurts; but you have to live on. The relationship has reached its expiration-date.

A guy who could breakup in an email and give such a weird reason wasn't a prize, my dear! He couldn't man-up to the task.

He's a coward; but you did mention he suffers mental-illness. He didn't feel up to dealing with with an emotional or dramatic-split; so he took the easy way out for himself.

Once you recover, you will realize it was for the best. The lame explanation he provided surely indicates to me that he's more into his cat than he was into you!

Tear-up the letter. You've said what you wanted to say in the letter. He may never read it anyway. It will go out into the universe.

Your letter is just pleading a case to reverse his decision. The problem with that is, begging him to change his mind or convince you to accept his decision; will only punish you with the sting of rejection and more frustration. He cut you off to avoid just that. Sending a letter that receives no reply will hurt you even deeper. Waiting day after day for his reply is torture.

Ceremoniously tear it up. It will symbolize moving forward, accepting your freedom, taking back your independence, and allowing your broken-heart to heal all on it's own. You don't require his help. I did it the hard way. I'm just fine now. If burning it makes you feel better, do that!

Respect when someone closes-off communication. It's harassment to continue attempting to make contact; when they've completely taken every step to shut-down every possible way to reach them. No matter how tempted you are, stay away.

No, do not use another friend's phone or email. Go cold-turkey to detach. It's the best way. You have to heal from the inside out. Don't pick the scab or rub salt on your wounds, by pathetically trying to reach him; while he dodges you left and right. Doing so is beneath your dignity. At least he was violent or verbally-abusive to you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2018):

There is nothing to talk over with him so there is no point in posting the letter. Let’s look at the two possibilities here: 1) you contact him and he ignores you or tells you to leave him alone and disappears again. Will this make you feel better? Maybe this will give you extra closure but it comes with extra hurt. I think his way of breaking up with you was thoughtless, selfish, cowardly and bizarre, so you can choose to have proper closure right now by leaving him behind in your mind for the way he ended it. 2) You contact him and he suddenly changes his mind and wants to get back together with you. Now what? You’re going to trust he’s not going to play with your emotions again? He basically broke your trust by choosing to break up with you unilaterally without discussion. You shouldn’t want to be with someone who does this to you.

I know it hurts now, but four months of time spent together is NOT unforgettable... you can move on if you stand strong now and stop letting people treat you this way.

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (5 January 2018):

mystiquek agony auntIt is very cowardly and hurtful the way he handled the breakup but somewhere down the road you are going to be glad that he ended things and you'll realize he was a jerk. Cry my dear get him out of your system and move on. A real man wouldn't end things in such a cold cowardly way. I know you can't see it right now, but he did you a favor. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move onto to someone far better.

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A female reader, holeymoley Australia +, writes (5 January 2018):

holeymoley agony auntAn email!!!!!! because of a cat!!!!!! be thankful he broke it off- bloody coward

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A male reader, N91 United Kingdom + , writes (5 January 2018):

N91 agony auntNope, absolutely not.

It's done, over, finished. He was looking for a way out and that sorry excuse was the best he could come up with. Good riddance.

Why waste your time trying to work out why he did it rather than focusing your energy on finding an actual decent person?

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (5 January 2018):

Honeypie agony auntThe whole "cat issue" was just the best excuse he could muster when dumping you.

If this guy has mental health issues it might be that he just can't really deal with a relationship right now and someone like that is not going to to admit to that.

He wanted a "clean" exit - thus the bad excuse and the blocking you so you can't reply.

Don't mail the letter and don't use a friend's e-mail to contact him.

ACCEPT that he doesn't want to date you and move on. You are wasting your time trying to reason with him or "explain" why YOU think he is "wrong".

He might have some mental health issues but that doesn't mean he can't CHOOSE to end a relationship.

I can imagine this is frustrating for you, but you ARE better off not dating someone who can't handle a break up like an adult.

Next time I'd suggest you date someone "healthier" and more mature.

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A male reader, Allumeuse United Kingdom + , writes (5 January 2018):

He broke up with you. Then he blocked you. You should get the message. His reasons might be bollocks but they are his reasons and they don't have to be good or logical. It's tough when you don't get your say but he sounds like he wouldn't be listening anyway. Be sad, treat yourself well, go out with your friends and move on.

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