A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:i've been going out with this guy for 2 years now, he's a great guy sweet and carring but our relationship became dull and we lost the spark...so i began talking to other ppl behind his back... it was innocent at first but it went too far...i cheated on him twice...i no longer talk to them i want to better my relationship...i feel horrible... so should i tell him and risk us breaking up or should i just move on and commit to him from now on
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): You aren't ready for a committed relationship... so don't be in one. Figure yourself out first. Also, there is such thing as dating... where a man actually takes you out for dinner, plays, concerts, long walks, etc... Not everything has to be a drive by for sex. When it is, you have to seriously think about why you have done that to yourself.
A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (23 November 2010):
 Yes. Come clean. If you want to continue having a relationship with this man, then you need to be upfront and honest and see if you two can start fresh.
Relationships are hard. But you can't have a good relationship without honesty and communication.
Yes, he is going to be hurt to find out this kind of news and probably be a little angry. But at least you told him so the guilt won't eat at you now. If you don't tell him he is going to find out eventually and I imagine it to hurt a lot worse coming from someone other than you.
Good luck. I hope all works out for you.
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A
female
reader, Zuie  +, writes (23 November 2010):
If you want to stay with him and don't tell him then what you have together will not be a realtionship, it will be a lie. You will be lying to him for as long as you are together.
When you tell him you can choose to do it either by: (a) it being the reason for you breaking up with him, because you acknowledge that he has been a great boyfriend and never deserved to be treated so badly, or (b) hoping that he can forgive you and stay with you. Of course, since you have problems with your relationship you can spare his feelings and tell him that is the reason you're breaking up with him.
When you tell him you will be tempted to leave things out or sugar-coat it, or blame your problems in the relationship. Do not do any of these things. To do this would actually be worse behaviour than staying with him and not telling him, forcing him to live a lie.
It is quite likely that even if he chooses to stay with you he will not fully get over what you have done. You need to be aware of that, because if you stay with him you will have to go through that pain with him, and it will hurt you too. You will need to hold yourself accountable for your actions, and you need to acknowledge he may never see you the same way or feel about you the same way.
If all you want is to clear your conscience, then break up with him without telling him you've cheated. If you believe that he deserves to choose that for himself, then tell him, and be prepared to accept the consequences.
I hope that you learn and grow from this. I'm writing all of this from my experience of being in a similar situation to you. Though by the way, talking to people behind your boyfriend's back is not "innocent", that's a betrayal in and off itself.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 Honesty shall allow for a certain amount of trust to remain and that is better than nothing. Look into his eyes as you tell him so he knows that this is the truth and that you mean every word.
I doubt he will take it well at first. It would be a miracle if he did, it is not impossible but, the chances are that he will be angered and heartbroken at first. He may not even say anything at first, he may even just walk away. Give him time to heal and just keep letting him know that you still love him and that you are still willing to work on this relationship to salvage every ounce of happiness you two once shared.
He may not be able to forgive you, if that is the case, try and show him that you are willing to make it up to him, be the perfect girlfriend for him (excluding any attempts at emotional blackmail, hopefully he is not that sort of guy) It will take time, be patient.
It is evident you have learnt from this mistake, hopefully he will see that and he will not break up with you. Good luck.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): I'd prefer to be cheated on and told about it so recurrence could be avoided than find out I was living with a fake reality.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): Agree with "aunt honesty" on this. I've been through this myself on the "honest" side, and the "cheating side" didn't win on this.
There are a lot of postings on this site about similar issues, lots of responses from lots of people. Read them.
But, remember, not being honest now will lead to a lot of lying later that you can't even imagine and it will be a problem.
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A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 If you really love him and you want to be with him for a long time then don't tell him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): You need to assess the situation. I hate to say this, but there are occasionally situations where not telling him might be OK. If your 100% committed to him, and he's not likely to take the new too well AND there's little to no chance that the past will come back on you, you might consider NOT telling him.
Telling him will not be easy, there will be discomfort, but if you can turn this into a growth experience for the two of you do it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2010): ~HONESTY IS BEST~
Tell him the truth IMMEDIATELY.
How would you feel if he deceived you?
Honesty nothing less.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (23 November 2010):
 I think you should tell him and get it over and done with, its better to be honest with him and tell him what you have done because you might think that you can brush it under the table and pretend that it didnt happen but it will come back to bite you, the guilt will end up getting to much for you or else the truth will come out and he will be devestated that you lied to him, so its better you tell him and allow for a fresh start.
Tell him exactly the way you were feeling and why you done it, tell him you want to always be honest with him and that is why you are telling him, ensure him that you love him and you will work very hard to get the trust back and the relationship back on track if he is willing to give you the chance. goodluck.
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