A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have posted here before and your advice has always helped me make it through bad times.My boyfriend of a year has driven drunk for most of his adult life he exhibits other self destructive behaviors. Says he likes risk.I have spoken to him about this and expressed my concerns. He is MUCH better then he used to be and has been making an effort to go out drinking and clubbing less. Last night, I took him to the movies and for drinks after. We got into a heated discussion about politics and religion. He had about 6 glasses of wine at this point and "switched on me" because I wasn't agreeing with him. Said he wanted to go for a walk. (translation - go home) I told him to leave me his keys. (because he has snuck off in the past and driven)He told me to stop trying to "put him in a cage". I said I wasnt but I didn't want him to drive drunk. He said he wasn't drunk (which I knew wasn't true) . Then he just took off and ran down the block. I yelled after him and started to run to catch up with him. He kept laughing and I stopped running. Furious. I then saw him speed past me in his car. Driving drunk. Leaving me on the street. I then called and he didn't answer. He would only text back when he got home. I told him I've never been so disrespected and if he needs to "be free" then go "be free"He sent me a text to apologize today. Said he was in a "mean moody mode" but that i was antagonizing him.I havent answered the text. Thats not a real apology to me. Not sure what to do. In the past he has acknowledged that he is "fighting our relationship" and does things to "see how far he can push me" Feeling like I deserve better and this man (who at 45) goes running down the block laughing to leave and drive drunk - is not husband and father material. I want marriage and a baby and have been vocal about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe has now called to apologize. Left a vmail saying he was "immature" and we should at least talk about things.
I called back and got his vmail. Told him if he feels like I'm "putting him in a cage and he needs to be free" then go be free. I deserve better, I said , then to be fighting to keep someone who will literally run away from me.
I hope I'm not making a mistake. There are many good times too.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (16 November 2013):
 I believe that on the whole, people do not change and if you fall for someone who is less mature, then that is pretty much part of the deal and you have to accept them, warts and all.
He does sound a bit of a jerk (as you quoted in your original post) but it seems you have made your choice and are probably going to have to get used to his bad behaviour.
There is just no way to change someone...if you can't stand the heat...well you have a choice to walk away.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (16 November 2013):
Do you think this kind of behaviour will change? Do you think he would be a good example of who to treat a women. Or treat you as a mother of his children?
I think you know the answer. I would not reply and I would (as hard as it is) move forward. I think you are wasting your time. You deserve so much better.
Love yourself enough to know this is a guy that doesn't repect you or himself for that matter. He is going to hurt someone else driving drunk. In the end you would feel responsible for his stupid actions!
Good Luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did debate calling the police but I was so upset I couldn't remember his license plate. He also kept saying he was fine (even though I think he was acting Drunk aggressive)
He has been arrested before for DWI. He was even in an accident in which a friend died (he was not driving). He rationalizes that by saying the driver hit a pot hole and wasnt drunk (even though that friend was arrested at the time for DWI )
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female
reader, R1 +, writes (16 November 2013):
 Next time call the police if he does that. Drink driving is very dangerous and he could kill someone. Then leave him he sounds like an immature idiot and if you are waiting for him to change you could be waiting the next 20 years...
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (16 November 2013):
 If he kills someone due to driving drunk, you are going to feel a huge slice of that responsibility. Frankly, if that incident had happened to me, I would have immediately called the police and reported him. His love for "risks" is going to get somebody killed. If he wants to live on the edge, he can get into bungee jumping or something that will only put himself in danger.
Marriage material? Father material? Would you let him drive drunk with your kids in the car? If he doesn't fear for kids on the streets, why would he fear for yours? Clearly after he's been drinking, he thinks he's invincible.
Like the first poster said, whatever redeeming qualities this guy has - they don't even begin to make up for behavior like this. And I would call the police on him the next time he's driving drunk. He needs to learn a huge lesson before he gets somebody killed and learns the lesson in the most tragic way.
Good luck!
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (16 November 2013):
He’ll wish he’d been caged when he kills some-one whilst driving under the influence of alcohol. You’re right, he isn’t marriage material, father material and frankly, not even relationship material. Why is he trying to “fight” your relationship? You’re supposed to want to be with some-one and make it work, not try and push all their buttons to upset them. He’s not sorry for his actions because he apologises but still tries to justify his immature and ridiculous behaviour by finding reasons why you caused him to do it. Some-one like this isn’t going to change, how many more chances is he going to get? You sound like you’re pretty far down the line in accepting it might not work out between you, you should now take the final step and break it off.
I wish you all the very best.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Aunty Em for your responses I believe it is love. I've had previous relationships that I have not felt the same connection in. I've dated guys who have their lives more "together" (better job, less drinking etc) but we didn't mesh as well. Thing is - when we are good. We are very good. And we are good when he wants to put effort in. The second he wants to create drama - he does things like this - picking a fight and escalating it - to the point where he can run away and then use our fight as an excuse to go drinking all weekend with his friends. I was hopeful he was maturing (yes at 45!) but it's to the point where my good friends AND his friends tell me he'll never "grow up". when I've confronted him about this - he says no one knows him and he can "grow up" when he wants to. Ugh
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (16 November 2013):
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-think-im-dating-a-jerk.html
Linking to your other question to give a better view of your situation.
Like I said in my answer on the above post. I think you both need time away from eachother to see if this is really the right relationship for you.
He evidently does not want marriage and a baby yet and maybe his shenanigans and obtuse behaviour is his way of deflecting you away from your primary goal...marriage and kids.
Is it love or a habit?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2013): If you start a family with him you'll be a single parent with 2 children on your hands.
Whatever redeeming qualities he has, his behaviour is incompatible with your long-term plans. He sounds immature and irresponsible.
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