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Do I bite my lip for the sake of the kids?

Tagged as: Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (8 October 2010) 3 Answers - (Newest, 9 October 2010)
A female United States age 41-50, anonymous writes:

ive been with my boyfriend for over 8yr.yes we have children together,but i notice about 2yr. in we were so different we have nothing in commin just are kids,i stayed so long because we have kid,but i do have love for him,but i am not in love with him,so do i bite my lip for my kids or be selfish and leave him?please

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2010):

Get some good help from a counselor. Not a "friend", unless they are "friends of the marriage" and not just "friends". Friends can't be what you need in this type of situation, unless they are "friends of the marriage".

Really, kids bring stress and life does as well, exhaustion, fatigue of all types, and questions we don't understand till we look at them in retrospect, with depression, anxiety, insecurity, and other issues that pile on to us all.

TALK...TRY TO UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER BETTER THAN BEFORE.

Work through it TOGETHER. Talk, if it doesn't go well then talk some more, try it again, again, again.

I've been there, and you want to do this TOGETHER.

If talking doesn't work, do it again, then again, then again with help as well. BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER AND WORK TO BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER.

I've been there.

My wife felt the same way, I was working "all the time" (well, I had a full time job and had kids, wife, home, bills to pay) and she felt she was not attractive enough, and she felt she wasn't enough to keep me, and it was all my fault that the spark was gone and she wasn't happy. She tried to work through it alone, with "friends", which made it worse as she got advice from folks that simply had to much trouble in their own relationships to see straight about mine and hers, and they were more than happy to see another marriage crumble which made them feel better about their own troubled relationships.

And, she loved me, which made it more painful for her.

So she left for another man who had lots of spark to bring to their relationship, who thought she was "hot" (I thought she was hot and told her that but she didn't believe it), "smart" (I thought she was smart and told her that but she didn't believe it), and "interesting" (which I also thought but she didn't believe).

So, did I look any better from the other side of the fence? No, I looked even worse. I looked like Hell.

I still had wife, kids, job, home, and to top it off I had the stress of losing the person that I loved more than anything or anyone else in the world to an affair partner who was everything that I wasn't (available in the afternoons because he wasn't working full time and not working at all some days, smiling, cheerful and garrulous, liked drinking, married to another woman who was the main breadwinner in the home so he didn't have to work so much, and more).

Luckily, for me it ended well, as one day she looked into the mirror and realized that even though she had left me, which made my job/home life even harder, I was still working to pay the bills, still helping to take care of my kids (with her helping as well), still getting out of bed in the middle of the night to help nurse sick kids and then going to work exhausted and then coming home the same way but still helping with homework, and still tired, still without the spark that people talk about (on my end I hadn't even had time for an affair or new relationship if I'd wanted one because of my family obligations).

Then she came back, she told me about the various "friends" advice, and a lot more in counseling.....two different "friends" suggested I might be having an affair since I was tired all the time (job, several kids, 4 hours of commuting each day, and faced with losing my job several times due to budget issues...who had time for an affair)....which was painful to hear, and more painful to tell.

When she learned the bare truth, not that I'd been secretive, which she hadn't really understood at the time (I had refused to do work that would have taken me away even more from my family and was on the verge of being fired for several weeks before I had to relent in order to save my job so we wouldn't lose our home and had been under attack at work for months due to major departmental upheavals and several of my superiors had lost their jobs which put me at great risk, I'd told her about those people being terminated but hadn't told her about how fine a line I was on because I didn't want her to worry) she felt worse, and actually contemplated suicide because of what had happened. But, again, I hadn't told her just how terribly bad things had been at work. So...TALK.

Don't make that mistake. Tell each other everything. TALK and UNDERSTAND and LISTEN.

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A female reader, followtheblackrabbit Cayman Islands +, writes (8 October 2010):

followtheblackrabbit agony auntI can't tell you what to do. I'm a stranger who doesn't know your heart or life. But, if you're really so unhappy...have you tried talking to this man? Sometimes, after being happy and loving for a while (the honeymoon period) things can go down because there's no more romance, excitement, and/or meaningful quality time together. Do you guys ever spend time alone? Without the kids? Communication is everything and you guys can't build on your love if all you do together involve your children. But, if you really and truly feel that there's no hope, remember that we are all deserving of happiness. What's selfish is permanently leaving your kids or having an affair. The longer you wait to admit to this man that you no longer love him, the harder it will be on him. That's all I can say, hon.

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A male reader, annonamous Canada +, writes (8 October 2010):

I went through a similar situation with my ex when she left me. If you do not love him it could be disasterous. If your not fighting and you get along all the time there is room for something to build on. If your fighting all the time and not getting along you will start to resent each other and it's doomed to fail. So if you are unhappy with your relationship as a whole you probably will end up leaving. Also an unhappy relationship around your children can lead to them being confused and hurt. I know this because my three year old son is confused as we speak. So if you wanna make it work fight like crazy to make it work and maybe you will find that special thing that will make you fall back "in" love with your mate. If you think it may not work than you might need to move on. It doesn't have to be selfish but by all means BE HONEST with your partner. Nothing hurts more than being lied to and finding out about it later

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