New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login225928 questions, 982333 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

Do I accept my husband's wandering eye?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Troubled relationships<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (10 December 2008) 7 Answers - (Newest, 29 April 2012)
A female Australia age 41-50, anonymous writes:

This may sound like a silly question but here goes....Im a 40yr old married woman and mother. My husband and I have been married 20yrs and have 5 great kids. The issue is that everytime we go out my husband is constantly eyeballing women half my age.....I see Ive given up a lot for him, my stetch mark free body, 20yrs ,etc, and it feels like a slap in the face when he spends his time sizing up some young pre baby body of a woman who has made non of these sacrifices....

It makes me sad that my husband is even interested in them at all. I guess I would have thought that a 40yr old mans interests would be more around women his age and the age of his wife.Do all women who dare to get older need to accept this or choose divorce?? ?

To me its about my self respect,and regardless of the positives in the marriage, my self respect is more important....I m starting to realise my life may be ab

out to change

View related questions: divorce, married woman

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, hotmommanell United States +, writes (29 April 2012):

You will have to accept it. This is something all men do, and men like young hot women. Unfortunately it doesn't matter how hot a woman is the man is always wanting for something different. Why do you think there is porn and half dressed women selling everything from soap to cars? As long as men run the world, this will not change. I know how humiliating it feels. All you can do is make it not that important to you anymore. Feel good within yourself. I can assure you if you're a decent looking woman other men are looking at you too. Make sure you look our best when you go out to feel good about yourself. This is something each of us ladies has to endure, even the young hottie who your husband is staring down. When my husband looks I just look somewhere else and go to my happy place.

<-- Rate this answer

A female reader, Too Sensitive United States +, writes (11 December 2008):

Yes, I agree with the poster previous to me, that women look too...but I think the men look more, and are so busy ogling other women, that they don't notice when we do it! Plus some men have such huge egos, they don't want to notice, and want to think that we don't have eyes for anyone but them. If a woman needs to make a point and it is "tit for tat" as they say, then she needs to be blatantly obvious when looking at other men. I haven't resorted to this tactic myself, but I've been thinking about doing so, to hit home hard my point. I know it might be viewed as "game-playing", but sometimes you just have to fight fire with fire.

My fiance and I have had enough discussions about this very thing, his wandering eye, and I don't have nearly as much invested as you do (length of relationship, having kids together).

It's not so much that he happens to glance over at a woman. It's the way he does it. It's rather insulting when he obviously cranes his neck to see around me at the group of young girls in tight jeans - I should just say, "oh, I'm sorry, am I in your way?"; when he looks down at the cashier's crotch; when his eyes follow the outline of another woman's body up and down; when he stares at the waitress's ass as she walks away. It's not just looking, it's looking in a sexual way, and it's degrading, and disrespectful. Is this how your husband is looking at the other women? My fiance's therapist, in front of me, told him he needed to stop paying so much attention to everything else that's going on around him, and to consciously focus more on making eye contact with me and conversing with me and paying more attention to me. She didn't tell me to do this, but I, on the other hand, try to consciously look away, b/c I don't want to see him looking at other women in this way...but in the process I am giving him every opportunity to do so. Sometimes, what we don't know won't hurt us, as they say.

You could try talking to your husband about this, telling him just how it makes you feel. Try not to criticize him or get angry. You may be met with denial, "all men do it", "I didn't realize I was doing it", any number of responses. Gauge his reaction. If he is apologetic, then try to accept that, and you may find that he tries to be conscious of it, tries to change, but he will still slip up sometimes. If he does not think there is anything wrong with it and continues, then he is not being sensitive to your feelings. Has he been doing this your whole marriage, or have you only noticed this recently?

Yes, it does feel like a slap in the face. I've only been with my fiance for 2 years and we have no children together, and that's how I feel. So I can only imagine how you must feel.

If he tries to stop looking in an obvious way, great. If he does not, then I guess you have to set your priorities. Accept it if you can, esp. if this is the only problematic area between you. I would hate to see you give up your marriage and the family life you've built over something like this - you have so much invested. If in your heart you just cannot accept it, or it starts to make you question yourself or feel bad about yourself, perhaps marriage counseling would help, which would give the 2 of you a healthy environment in which to work this out. A counselor could give you the tools you need to cope and to feel better about yourself, and a counselor could give him the tools he needs to help him stop his behavior, besides giving you both an understanding of each other, and helping to keep the lines of communication open.

Good luck to you, and let us know how things are going.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008):

I'm fed up with men thinking women don't eyeball men - we do it all the time!!!! We just manage to do it discreetly and we don't need to stare blatantly. Men find it harder to be less obvious. Tell him he can stare all he likes when he's on his own. I did this with my boyfriend and he is now much more respectful towards me. I'm not daft - BOTH sexes enjoy the finer things in life and lets face it ladies there are lots of hot men out there to look at but this is about respecting your partner when you are with them.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008):

Well I think all men do it no matter what age thay are,I use to feel the same way you do I'm only 26 and my better half is 43.I have five kids as well,but I'm still sexy!!

Hold your head up and do you for a change.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, baddogbj China +, writes (10 December 2008):

baddogbj agony auntUncle Phil is right, we all do it, we can't help it, it is primarily aesthetics BUT he should try to make it less obvious both for your comfort and theirs.

However as soon as you start "laying down the law" and telling him what he can and can't do then you are starting down a road which leads either to the divorce court or to having a henpecked emasculated husband.

Talk of sacrifice gets you into a pissing contest. I've seen 3 babies being born and I know how very glad I am that it isn't something I have had to do BUT on the other hand my body has been sacrificed to x thousand late nights of work, hundreds of alcohol soaked dinners with Chinese officials. I would rather have been wind surfing or at the gym or playing chess but I'm not good enough at any of those things to get paid for them and so I go to work to get the money we need and then I come home to put the children to bed and then work again until I sleep ...

Just make it funny and light-hearted. When you see him doing it just say, with a smile on your face, "Sweetheart, do you have to be SO obvious when you're window shopping? You'll make the young girls uncomfortable."

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008):

I couldnt disagree with uncle phil more. A woman looking at shoes in no way disrespects her husband yet a 40yr married man looking at 20yr old women is EXTREMELY disrespectful to his wife

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (10 December 2008):

I don't think you should accept it or get a divorce!

He should at least have a little respect for you and keep his eyes to the front when he's out with you, and to save the wandering eyeballs for when he's not with you. If every woman whose husband had a wandering eye divorced their husband, there would be very few marriages left intact.

Men appreciate the finer things in life and we all eyeball a nicely turned ankle attached to an attractive woman. It doesn't mean he thinks any less of you though. He'll eyeball a pretty woman - no matter what her age - in much the same way you might eyeball a nice expensive pair of shoes in a shop window. It really is as basic as that. Would he divorce you for looking at shoes?

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

Add your answer to the question "Do I accept my husband's wandering eye?"

Already have an account? Login first
Don't have an account? Register in under one minute and get your own agony aunt column - recommended!

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.046875!