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Do guys hate their girlfriends having male friends, especially close male friends

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Question - (28 August 2007) 15 Answers - (Newest, 24 December 2010)
A female United Kingdom age 26-29, *illibeth writes:

Just a quick question, out of curiosity...

Do guys hate their girlfriends having male friends, especially close male friends?

I've lost count of the amount of times I've had to reiterate to past boyfriends that I would never cheat and that other guys are just friends.

The first time it happened, it was a slightly different scenario. My best friend, a male, had just commited suicide and my boyfriend couldn't deal with my grief or couldn't understand my reaction so he left me.

The next guy spread lies and rumours all the time about me and another close male friend of mine because he was jealous of our relationship even though it was, again, strictly platonic.

More recently, my ex initiated splitting up, although I got there first, because of my relationship with one of my - male - best friends.

Is it me picking all the paranoid, jealous guys or are they all like that and this is something I'm just going to have to get used to dealing with?

View related questions: best friend, jealous, my ex

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A reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010):

Of course because they think their girlfriend's male friends are looking to steal their girlfriend away, no matter how hard their girlfriend tries to resist their male friends' friendliness.

Guys are very territorial over their girlfriends. If another guy is friendly with their girlfriend, they think he is flirting with her (and/or is a creepy sexual predator) and they eventually go crazy, beating up and/or killing the other guy, especially if the other guy buys her at a drink at a bar, for example. It happens a lot with guys who are nice to another guy's girlfriend, no matter what. With so many single guys available, it's easy for guys to be territorial of their girlfriends because some of these guys could be predatory.

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A male reader, johnsonjohn United States +, writes (21 August 2010):

"3.I did this one. Get a male mate ( he should be willing ) to text ur phone asking how BOTH of you are, etc, and then show it to your fella casually, saying "bla said hey", then show text msg." -Juliet

This makes me embarrassed to be a woman...

Undermining your partner with, a "male mate", these tactics is truely immature.

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A male reader, jahari United States +, writes (6 May 2009):

Sure it's ok to have guy friends, as long as you want to keep hopping from relationship to relationship. You see, its all a question of what percent of yourself you chose to give to your partner. Each guy friend takes from that percentage and is given to someone else. It is mathmatically impossible to be 100% when your spreading yourself thin like that. Guys think differently. We feel that cheating for a woman starts in the heart. If your giving your time and effort to another you may be opening up your heart (which guys technically consider cheating). Now us men, well it can start with the physical. We don't need a the reasons & logic that a woman may need to cross the line. Us men know this to be true. Combine the friendship factors of a guy and girl and you have mixed a cocktail ready to exploded at any given moment. Simply put, "If the problem persist your boyfriend will stay pissed"

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A male reader, jahari United States +, writes (6 May 2009):

Sure it's ok to have guy friends, as long as you want to keep hopping from relationship to relationship. You see, its all a question of what percent of yourself you chose to give to your partner. Each guy friend takes from that percentage and is given to someone else. It is mathmatically impossible to be 100% when your spreading yourself thin like that. Guys think differently. We feel that cheating for a woman starts in the heart. If your giving your time and effort to another you may be opening up your heart (which guys technically consider cheating). Now us men, well it can start with the physical. We don't need a the reasons & logic that a woman may need to cross the line. Us men know this to be true. Combine the friendship factors of a guy and girl and you have mixed a cocktail ready to exploded at any given moment. Simply put, "If the problem persist your boyfriend will stay pissed"

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A male reader, bambislaughter United States +, writes (12 July 2008):

bambislaughter agony auntTo be completely honest. I am incredibly spiteful of all my girlfriends male friends, even if their my own. But I guess it all depends on the dude. I know i didnt help at all, but whatever sorry =P

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2008):

Well, this is really interesting,

I don't consider myself jealous/possessive as such, but in saying that I do keep a lookout for the obvious signs that things may not be quite right with the relationship or guys trying/being a bit more than friends...... especially when its reasonably new.

I think where the problem lays is when your partner does NOT either:

1: Stand up for you when you are being talked about etc behind your back.....especially when the info is wrong or someone is trying to sabotage your relationship....

2: You have seen anomalies in behavior from them...... maybe too much flirting that actually gives green lights to guys to come on to them.... in which case they can claim they did nothing wrong (plausible denial-ability)

3: They wont tell you the truth or communicate freely......

Being with such a person WILL cause feelings of insecurity and inadequacy that may possibly lead to jealous behavior because your trying to control them from not doing it......

THE ONLY SOLUTION IS TO TALK TO THEM ABOUT IT..... IF THEY TAKE RESPONSIBILITY AND/OR START CHANGING (proven by there actions not there words) THEN JUST ACCEPT THAT AND KEEP AN OPEN MIND AND OPEN EYES......... IF THEY DONT KEEP THERE WORD THEN DUMP THEM WITHOUT ANY SHADOW OF A DOUBT!!!!! THEY WILL ONLY CREATE MISERY FOR YOU IF YOU DONT AND HEY, IF THEY HAVE SELF RESPECT THEY WILL RESPECT YOU...... IF THEY DONT.....SHOW THEM THAT BY LEAVING....... AND DONT TAKE BACK UNLESS YOU REALLY KNOW THAT THEY WILL MEAN IT!

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (19 September 2007):

i dont know if my opinion matters but, right now im in the same situation. i know im not a jealouse man. the situation is where the person ive seen does not want to give up her ex, even though he makes her feel like shit for not being with him. she tells me that she doesnt care if he makes her upset, she will not give him up. i have a big problem with him because she slept with him when we had our first fight. she just said she was volnurable and he was there. which really makes me think that if we fight again. how fast will she run to him again. she tells me that i have to deal with him always being around because she will never give him up. Im basiclly saing that its not wrong to be friends with your ex's or even other male friends. just know when it comes to being with someone, if its male or female. they should come first, and if they are uncomfortable with the situation. then you should respect it. because in the end. your friends might last for ever. but what are you gonna do when you have no one laying next to you to tell you "I love you". if your male or female friend doesnt want to help you out when your down. then they really dont care about you.

I just want to ask everyone here. am i wrong or not.

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2007):

I have recently had an issue with this male friend business and it was pure hell. My partner of 15 years started working in bars and started to get more confident which I noticed straight away..she kind of didnt need to rely on me as much or want to be with me, which set off alarm bells in my head..the next thing shes sending a suggestive text to me which was meant for him and then confesses that shes got close to someone at work, she said they were just friends and that he gave her hugs when she felt down that kind of thing..huge arguments between us ensued...after much ''debate'' she said she would not talk to him again..then she started sending texts to him which I found out, actually she'd been sending them to him awhile I found out later and it was war all over again. I recently found out that they were going to go on a trip for the weekend??? I went mental everyone was saying let her go leave her and called me stupid for staying with her. Shes told me its over with him and she will never speak to him again... Thing is it turns out he did fancy her and she fancied him.. she had this whole seperate life that I knew nothing about. My point is if you think somethings going on with this ''male friend''then somethings going on you just have to do a little bit of digging like I did..

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A male reader, DJ8433 United States +, writes (29 August 2007):

DJ8433 agony auntIf they love you, they will be bothered about it. If they aren't bothered, you might kinda wonder what's going on that they're not bothered. The question to ask yourself is, "do I love him enough not to risk losing him?" The question is for a man, can I compromise?

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A female reader, Lillibeth United Kingdom +, writes (29 August 2007):

Lillibeth is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hey, thanks for the responses.

I should point out after reading a couple of them, that none of the male friends I have mentioned have been an ex of mine, they are strictly just my friends. Turns out as a result of all this, there isn't a single ex I still talk to, which is a shame.

I've also introduced many of my male friends to boyfriends but it always ends up the same. Could it also be an issue that I have more male friends than female?

In response to duce00 - I liked what you said about looking at myself before pinning the blame and I have but aside from my most recent relationship, I always try to put them before the friends, I've introduced them to my friends etc. Yeah you're right though, the issue is bugging me A LOT! Haha. I can also understand the point about how it feels, I'm sure if you're creating these thoughts in your head it isn't exactly easy to deal with - I've had that with the first guy I mentioned. It really wasn't a good feeling at all plus it was all I could think about for a short while.

I suppose this is something I'll just have to be conscious of in future to ensure it doesn't happen again, there'll be someone out there who isn't majorly bothered by it I'm sure!

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A male reader, duce00 United States +, writes (29 August 2007):

duce00 agony auntI can tell your a bit peeved on this one. I have alot of female friends because Im a single father and mothers and I relate very well. One thing I did learn from my last relationship is how to respect the person your with and still have female friends. You probably arnt going to like this but there really is a little selfishness going when it comes to this subject. I realized it was true for me and it has proven true for others I know. See, attention is nice. Attention from the opposite sex is better. It doesnt have to be anything sexual or innapropriate, its just normal to enjoy that attention. I realised in myself that that was basically selfish to say to my GF at the time that it was her issue not mine. The fact is she was right and I adjusted how I maintained my friendships with my female friends. I didnt have chatty phone conversations with her right there. I didnt bring up inside jokes or personal business, and I started hanging out with them less. See I put myself in my GF's shoes and really didnt like how it felt. You may say your differnt but most people dont like the feelings this behavior creates and its not just jealousy and insecurity as you said. You need to look at what your really doing and ask who you really respect the most. Your BF or your male friends.

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A female reader, penta United States +, writes (29 August 2007):

penta agony auntHow you act around both of them makes a big difference. If the male friend or ex is just a friend, you should be able to invite him and your bf to the same place, and you should always make your bf feel #1 (and mean it) while the two of them are in the same room. But if you hide your ex, or act like there's something going on, then it's a real problem.

I have friends who are ex-boyfriends, and they don't bother my husband at all. But I don't treat them any differently than I do my girlfriends -- invite them around and talk to them with my husband's full knowledge and consent and don't do anything without him.

The one that made him jealous made me laugh. My ex introduced me to my husband -- they were best friends in high school (and still are) even though the ex and I hadn't dated in years by the time he introduced me to my future-husband. My ex was even a grooms-man at our wedding (husband's choice). But at one point I hugged the ex for a little long (we always liked hugs more than anything else) and my then-boyfriend (husband) was REALLY uncomfortable. I had to remind him that (1) it was right in front of him and (2) this is your best friend -- do you trust us or not? (And then I stopped hugging him because it bugged the bf -- you have to be sensitive to their feelings, even if you dn't agree).

It may be you (you're what all these guys have in common, after all) but it's not unreasonable to have male friends.

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A male reader, DJ8433 United States +, writes (29 August 2007):

DJ8433 agony auntYes, it is you. There are reasons men don't like it, and women too. 1. men and women are territorial, how would you like it if he hung out with his ex girlfriend talked to her on the phone and went over to her place, or got a call from her when you were out to the movies together. 2. Both sexes like to think of the person we are with as the closest person to us, but we don't like to think that our personal moments are shared with an ex boyfriend or girlfriend. 3. When your boyfriend might give you advice, it's because he cares about you and want to keep the relationship together. When an x gives you advice there's a very strong possibility the advice could be biased in their favor. For instance, you ask your ex, do you think i should move in with this new guy? ex says, some b.s, but ultimately that it's not a good idea. why, because it would be harder for the ex to continue seeing you. Even though there are not sexual ties, there are still emotional ties. Cheating doesn't have to be in bed, cheating can be in the heart too. Have you ever had sex with a new guy and imagined sex with your ex? Having your ex around shouldn't matter, but it does because we are human and not robots. I can think of only one more reason. It might be easier to keep a man if you let go of the exes. It's an emotional tie that prevents you from giving 100% to your new man, and he senses it. It takes a very emotionally strong man and confident to deal with it. I have this very issue with my fiance, so forgive me if I sound harsh. Your question touched a nerve.

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A female reader, Juliet Ireland +, writes (29 August 2007):

I have this problem.. irritating as hell isnt it!

The answer is of course they hate it.

They imagine us sitting with the/some fella, having a laugh, and then suddenly someone kisses someone, and all this passion hidden for sooo long is suddenly released!

Men see = two people texting each other, talking online, meeting up, doing fun stuff together, having tons in common, shared jokes, bodily contact, a conntection being made.

We see = our male mates as "ken barbies"-sexless,company, someone to talk too, hugs, a laugh.

Assuming your not subconsciously into any male mates...

1.Introduce your fella to your close friend. You dont have to make them mates if you dont want, but let it be known that your male mate isnt your private mate only, or secret.

2.Tell your new partner about your male mates "dilema's with women". You may not feel comfortable telling if they are secrets, but you have to make your fella feel comfortable too. Find a middle ground, tell the basics.

3.I did this one. Get a male mate ( he should be willing ) to text ur phone asking how BOTH of you are, etc, and then show it to your fella casually, saying "bla said hey", then show text msg.

Hope this helps ;0)

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A male reader, somewhat_anonymous United States +, writes (29 August 2007):

It all depends on the guy and how close to the friends you really are.

It especially bothers the guys that don't have many friends that happen to be female. They often seem to think in black and white: strict groups of the same sex = people hanging out, mixed company = someone is having sex later!!!

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