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Disappointed he couldn't see me Valentine's day. Am I being selfish? Should I try and make things work?

Tagged as: Dating, Family, Sex, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (15 February 2017) 12 Answers - (Newest, 1 March 2017)
A female United States age 36-40, anonymous writes:

I'm 38 and have been dating a guy who is 38 as well. Our first date was Nov 5th last year and we've seen each other every weekend since then and sometimes during the week.

He is part of a culture that does not honour pagan holidays...and I am fine with that to an extent. Although the sex isn't perfect I do enjoy being intimate with him.

When we see each other we have sex anywhere from 2-3 times a day however he's never given me an orgasm and he's never performed oral sex on me even though I perform it on him quite often which I like to do.

Well New Year's Eve came and we had plans but he cancelled saying he was sick.

He claimed to be sick in the days leading up to NYE and I even went over to provide my support and make soup etc but he never seemed to be "that sick." We video chatted for one minute at midnight but I was sorely disappointed.

He disappointed me another time when I made dinner. I knew he had to pick his daughter up but he said he would be back but called later saying his son had done something wrong and once he arrived home he had no energy to come back out.

Fast forward to Valentine's Day weekend we exchanged gifts, went to a comedy show and had dinner.

Then we went back to his place where I spent the night. Well on Valentine's Day (Tuesday) we didn't have plans but I assumed we would spend time together. He told me he had a hectic week and couldn't see me on V-day and it was just a regular day for him.

I was upset and let him know as much and he tried to apologize but it just wasn't enough.

After work he tried to make it up to me by meeting me to give me a hug and kiss on the street corner. I declined. Although he texted me all night and I responded I was still upset and he never provided an explanation of his whereabouts which I find strange because he usually discloses where he is.

Besides his regular full time job he also is a single dad of two teens and produces music. I'm assuming he was working in his music studio.

Am I being selfish? Should I try and make things work? He once told me we should see each other more but then stated he had some projects coming up and that probably wouldn't happen.

I'm sure I love him I just don't know what to do. I am divorced from a 21 year relationship and he's lived with 3 women before so it's hard for me to believe he didn't know V-day protocol.

Help please!

View related questions: divorce, oral sex, orgasm, text

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2017):

Hi. Cut me some slack coz I'm sick but I'm amused by your question, since it sounds like the two things important to you in your relationship are holidays and sex. :)

Anyway, a good man is hard to find and he sounds good. I would try and communicate your needs and wishes. (This v-day my wife and I were busy and she apologized and said she wasn't getting anything for me and it was okay if I didn't either.)

May all your holidays be happy and include orgasmic sex!

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A female reader, aunt honesty Ireland + , writes (21 February 2017):

aunt honesty agony auntThis relationship is not working for you, even though you are looking for reasons for it to work, it simply is not. You are not satisfied sexually. It has been three months surely you could have shown him by now what you like and vice versa. It does not sound like you are compatible in bed, he may even be a selfish lover. Then off course their is the holidays that mean so much to you, they mean little to him, therefore I wouldn't call him selfish, but if you need a partner to celebrate with at times like this then he is not it. He has made it clear that things like NYE and Valentines mean nothing to him. So you need to accept that if you want to be with him. You cannot change him in to thinking the same as you.

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A male reader, Billy Bathgate United States + , writes (17 February 2017):

He bought you dinner once! Order those wedding invitations. This is a one sided relationship that you need to end. This guy has nothing for you.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2017):

OP here: Thank you both for your honest answers.

While I feel he is a bit selfish he does give in other ways. One example is he bought me dinner after work and he traveled pretty far to do so.

I know the sex isn't perfect but it's still a new relationship and I feel we may have time to adjust to each other's needs (especially mine).

I just have to step up and communicate that.

On the other hand I am tired of the cancellations big and small. Also he does consider NYE pagan as he feels the calendar is wrong and the new year should start when things on earth are new like in the spring.

I plan to talk things out with him.

Funny how he pegged his last girlfriend as selfish and told me she withheld sex from him.

Also he is only two inches taller than me so I've kinda been "forbidden" from wearing heels. He doesn't outright say it but he jokingly calls me out when I wear wedges and I'm looking slightly taller than him.

Nobody's perfect right?

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A reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2017):

OK, I am actually a huge supporter of Valentine's day, because I will take any excuse to add a little fun-loving romance to life! People complain that it is a manufactured holiday, but aren't all holidays in one way or another? Why not have a day where you especially remember the person you love....

WIth that being said, I actually do think you overreacted. WHY? Because you two had already celebrated Valentine's on the weekend and even exchanged presents! That's great you both took the time for a romantic weekend. It really doesn't have to be right on the day, as long as you get the meaning of the holiday acknowledged...what is the problem?

It fell on a tuesday this year, in the middle of a busy work-week for him no doubt. Are you really going to split hairs because he gave you your presents two days early ?! Then he shows up to your work the day after just to appease you?

I think you need to cut him a little slack.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2017):

It does not seem like you are both on the same page emotionally and in terms of commitment.

You want more from him than he is willing to give.

It will be a constant tug-of-war.

Is this what you want?

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (15 February 2017):

Well, if he can't satisfy you in bed; I guess that is something that can be worked on. You have to tell him that you would like oral-sex; and gently guide him to the places that heats you up during love-making. Adjust your body-position, whisper in his ear what you want him to do, and take-charge sometimes.

You don't have to lie flat on your back and just wait for things to happen. He can't read your mind. If you're too shy to speak-up like an adult, don't complain.

He doesn't celebrate pagan holidays. This gives me the notion that he may be a Middle-easterner or Muslim; but he has bent a few rules to please and be with you. I think there's room for compromise as long as you don't expect him to go against his religious values. That would be unreasonable and selfish. It could also get him into trouble in his ethnic-community; if he is of a strict religious-sect. In the Muslim faith; your fellow-worshipers may notify the imam, your family, and neighbors when they catch you acting contrary to the rules of their religious doctrine. Depending on where he's from, you have no idea what the repercussions may be.

He hung-out and exchanged gifts during the weekend; but didn't show-up on V-Day. I guess that is consistent with his rules regarding pagan celebrations. Valentines Day is not celebrated in all cultures, and if you date outside your own; you have to be respectful and understanding.

Don't date outside your nationality, ethnicity, or religion; unless you are willing to be fair, compromising, and respectful of other cultures and religious-beliefs.

He is the single-father of two teens? That in itself is a handful! Teenagers are rebellious, unpredictable, and clever. They can be exhausting, both mentally and physically. They are caught in-between childhood and adulthood; and can reek havoc on your nerves, and upset the universe. You have to stay one-step ahead of them, or they will turn your life upside-down. He's a dad, and he is doing it by himself; while balancing a love-life all at the same time.

Maybe you aren't ready for a guy with his parental-obligations and set of values. This may not be a good match for you. He may be great for casual-dating and someone for companionship. Long-term? I don't think so. You're already having conflicts about time, values, and reliability.

Sometimes complaining doesn't fix things. Some things can be compromised; but one's religious beliefs is a tricky area.

People with children have to cancel things on a moment's notice; because kids come first. You can't always leave teens unsupervised. They are masters of manipulation, and will do things behind your back. They arbitrarily decide to be grown-ups, and do things without adequate experience and void of good-judgment. Then suddenly become children once they make grave mistakes. If you're a parent, I'm preaching to the choir.

Give this some thought, and do what is best for you.

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A female reader, Caring Aunty A Australia + , writes (15 February 2017):

Caring Aunty A agony auntHe's certainly no Romeo by the sounds of things so far, which is something you evidently need, want and like in a man? It also appears he's not making you feel special, wooed, orgasmic and prioritised on any other day of the year either.

Culture or not; there's nothing stopping him from being with you to look at fireworks on NYE for example. Because all these excuses are saying he's not willing to bend or sacrifice, too expand his awareness and consideration of your needs.

Here you'll have to direct him specifically as to what you want him to do, what is expected of him regarding Valentine's Day etc. as he either has no idea or keen interest. Sometimes a guy needs to hear, it's not all about him in a relationship if he wants to keep it alive.

Basically you lost me when you say; "he's never given you an orgasm" as I don't see the point of all that sweat, 2-3 times a day for NO weak at the knees smile on your face!?

Take Care - CAA

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A female reader, So_Very_Confused United States + , writes (15 February 2017):

So_Very_Confused agony auntwhat i have picked up is

a. our sex life is not leaving me satisfied

b. he does not like to go out on "fabricated holidays"

c. you assumed he was going to want to celebrate on a Tuesday after you had already celebrated over the weekend and KNEW that a. he did not go out much during the week and b. he did not celebrate Val. Day.

i keep seeing "I am assuming he is" or "I assumed"

this is not good. do you not discuss these things with him?

What exactly is V day protocol? My husband went out to play games with his friends. We did nothing. Not a card or anything. And that's fine. I do not need a silly made up holiday to tell me my man is committed to me and loves me.

Does he owe you an explanation of where he is when he is not with you?

Are you being selfish no.

Should you continue this relationship..NO. you are not fully satisfied and it's less than 6 months in and it will only get worse.

consider that he has been on his best behavior as it is and you are not happy...what do you think would happen if it got more serious?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2017):

OP here: Thank you both for your honest answers.

While I feel he is a bit selfish he does give in other ways. One example is he bought me dinner after work and he traveled pretty far to do so.

I know the sex isn't perfect but it's still a new relationship and I feel we may have time to adjust to each other's needs (especially mine).

I just have to step up and communicate that.

On the other hand I am tired of the cancellations big and small. Also he does consider NYE pagan as he feels the calendar is wrong and the new year should start when things on earth are new like in the spring.

I plan to talk things out with him.

Funny how he pegged his last girlfriend as selfish and told me she withheld sex from him.

Also he is only two inches taller than me so I've kinda been "forbidden" from wearing heels.

He doesn't outright say it but he jokingly calls me out when I wear wedges and I'm looking slightly taller than him.

Nobody's perfect right?

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A female reader, mystiquek United States + , writes (15 February 2017):

mystiquek agony auntIt appears as though he goes with the flow as long as things are going his way. He cares about himself and puts him first, not you. He doesn't do anything to exert himself in any way and you can either continue to go along or cut the tie and move on. I'd move on. He puts forth no effort and will continue to act that way as long as you allow it to happen. He isn't going to change for you. I'm sure you can do better. Don't settle.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (15 February 2017):

Honeypie agony auntI think you are settling for this guy even though he doesn't fulfill YOUR needs. He fulfills SOME of them, just enough to keep you hanging on but nothing further.

You are NOT sexually fulfilled, yet you do your best to give HIM what he wants/needs.

He cancels on you for what YOU (and most people would) feel is a BIG thing, New Year's Eve. (nothing Pagan about NYE) and he doesn't even REALLY convince you that he isn't sick. YOU know he might not have been THAT sick, he just didn't WANT to do NYE event.

Presuming or Assuming things in a relationship is NEVER a good thing. YOU should have talked to him BEFORE the 14 and made sure you either spend the day/evening together or NOT. Presuming you would doesn't really give you the "right" to be pissy that he PRESUMED you wouldn't spend the day/evening together.

Some people DO NOT buy into St. Valentine's Day. I don't. My husband doesn't. It's a commercially fabricated holiday to give stores and manufacturers an opportunity to make extra $$ between Christmas and Easter. That's it. It's a cute thought, but that doesn't mean EVERYONE wants to partake. Doesn't mean a guy SHOULD know "V-day Protocol". Maybe for him, "the V-day protocol" is doing nothing. But he STILL took you out over the weekend because he knows it means something to YOU.

Let's say for a minute that HE doesn't like to give oral - well that is fine, there are MULTITUDES of other ways to rock a woman's boat - but he doesn't even try. He gets him and well, you "get" to give it to him. Sounds rather selfish in bed if you ask me.

With that said, I think you two are BADLY matched IN and OUT of bed. He might be a great guy, but I don't think he is a great guy for you. I think you WANT and NEED a guy who makes more of an effort, a guy who GIVES as much as he TAKES. This guy doesn't really do that. He does the "bare minimum" to keep you around.

If you think on it, KNOWING that THIS is who he is - CAN you really see yourself with him long term? Or not. Think about it and ACT accordingly.

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