A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am having difficulties in the bedroom with my boyfriend of three years and I don't know how to fix any of it.We have been very adventurous in the past. Our sex life was always amazing and I can't believe I'm asking for advice.A few months ago I was lying on the bed with him and tried giving him a hand job and then oral sex but I could tell he wasn't enjoying it at all. I tried for a while but I ended up giving up as it wasn't doing anything. He got so mad with me and called me a c*** tease.He stormed off home and then text me saying everything I was doing was wrong and nobody would ever get hard from it. When he calmed down he told me blow jobs are overrated.Just after Christmas we had a bit of an argument and when he came over out of the blue one day we had sex but because I hadn't shaved like I normally do down there he said it put him off.Last week he stayed over we were messing around in bed and he was kissing my breasts but then suddenly said come on lets go in the living room and have a drink then got up.Then to top it all off the day before yesterday we were having sex and he fell asleep on me.I've told him that these incidences have made feel bad about myself but he's taking that as an insult to him. He's telling me that I'm putting pressure on him and making him feel bad. I have never once mentioned anything when he doesn't get hard. Every man does from time to time and it's no big deal but when it happens to him he gets quite mean to me like it's my fault.When I try and talk about how I feel about this he gets defensive. I don't know what to do to try and sort it out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2016): OP again, sorry I didn't see your reply earlier Been There. That's a good point you make. I know men get upset if they start losing their sex drive. I don't want him to feel like I'm trying to pressure him in to being a porn star or anything, at the moment I would just like him to be affectionate to me but he's just mean.
His sleeping pattern is not good, he has suffered with insomnia. I try and introduce new things like lingerie and toys and all that but he isn't interested. I give him massages sometimes but I don't know he just seems to have gone off everything.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2016): Hi, thank you for your responses. I didn't know whether I was putting too much pressure on him by bringing this up or if I'm right to let my feelings be known to him.I understand that relationships aren't all about sex, I don't mind going through dry spells sometimes, I know people have fluctuations in their sex drives. But it's the way he tries to put all the blame on me that is getting to me.When I first started dating him he made me feel really confident, he said all these lovely things about my body, said I was good in bed etc. I have given him head in the past and he was able to orgasm so I have no idea how he suddenly now thinks they are overrated.I talked to him about all of this last night and he said that he doesn't feel bad about telling me my pubic hair putting him off as I know full well he doesn't like hair. Well I've just had enough of that attitude now. If he doesn't like something fair enough but for the sight of it to put him off having sex with me for a whole week after is ridiculous.I don't know if he has another woman he's seeing behind my back, it wouldn't surprise me to be honest. I just don't understand how a man who used to give me so much confidence has gone to saying quite mean things to me.BrownWolf I actually said that to him last night 'How would he know what every man on earth likes' and he also mentioned that there aren't any men who would like seeing pubic hair either. I'm sick of having him tell me that no other man would like this and that. I used to like buying nice underwear and having nights where we would be intimate and now he just can't be bothered. So I guess it's time to call it a day
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (21 January 2016):
 What an awful boyfriend. He can't put you down like that, and you should not let him, he is in the long run going to keep going until you have no confidence left. What a horrible man. Are you sure that there is no other woman in his life? He sounds like a loser to me.
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A
female
reader, Songwr1ter +, writes (21 January 2016):
I absolutely and completely agree with BrownWolf. Why keep a man who points out your flaws in your life? He just seems to be after sex, and you should be with someone who LOVES you, not just LUSTS after you.
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A
male
reader, Been there Now over it  +, writes (21 January 2016):
While he can be frank with you to the point of being rude, there seems to be something going on in his mind that perhaps he hasn't discussed with you. It could be anything from work to family matters. It is preventing him from relaxing and enjoying sex. One sign of this would be a negative change in sleeping pattern.Whatever is going on with him, he is upset with his own sexual performance, unable to give you the porn-star performance that he apparently did when your sex life was better and more adventurous. While you are correct that guys often lose their erections, just about all guys see this as an embarrassment. You keeping silent about it may actually make him even more self-conscious and worsen the situation (this is not to say that you commenting on it would make things any better).The answer here is better communication but, from your description of the situation, he may not be up for that. He is most likely having performance anxiety over his performance decline, a situation that he thinks may only worsen itself if he were to discuss it. When you next have sex, try to at least get him into a better mood and get his mind off whatever he thinks could go wrong (such as losing his erection). Get him to relax before sex, cut out pre-sex alcohol and large meals, make the room look great, take it slow, and perhaps introduce something new to your sex sessions (lingerie? toys?).I don't think this is your fault. You had a great sex life before and it is difficult to imagine that your hand-job, blow-job and other skills have gone downhill.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (21 January 2016):
Question....What is purpose of having a man in your life???
Is he there to bring out all you faults?? To keep you company?? To make you feel like crap about yourself?? Or is he there to love you???
NO MAN...and I mean NO MAN...is to be in your life to make you feel less about yourself.
No one is prefect on their own. But together, you can make a try at having a perfect relationship. How can you do that when he is telling you "nobody would ever get hard from it."
Who is nobody??? Have you slept with all the men in the world and had the same problem?? Does he know how every man feels, and know that nobody will be turned on by what you do?
Anyone who make you feel less about yourself should not be in your life.
This is what love is...
"Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail."
Now tell me...where do you see "it put him off." or "He's telling me that I'm putting pressure on him and making him feel bad." or maybe "he gets quite mean to me like it's my fault."
Is this all you are good for?? To be the punch bag for some self centred fool??? Your difficulty is not in the bedroom...it is you allowing yourself to be treated less than a woman.
He is not happy with himself, how is he going to be happy with you???
Find a man who is going to lift you up because he sees the amazing person that you are.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (21 January 2016):
 Some sex therapy would help you. Generally you would have a period of abstinence. After a time some touching might be introduced but no full sex. Eventually you come together again in a fresh way. There will also be some discussion about how you feel about each other.
This allows you to reboot your relationship which appears to have become jaded. One of the points to bear in mind is that love isn't just sex of which I'm sure you are aware. So the reason you are together shouldn't be about how good the sex is, although it can be troubling when it gets tired.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2016): He is bored with you. To him sex with you has turned stale. You should be glad you are not married. It is much easier to end this relationship now and start separating your ways because there is no future in this relationship.
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