A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for last 14 years and have two kids. My marriage is just like a catastrophe. I have been a victim of abusive relationship throughout my married life. We have been arguing every other day for last 5 years at least. We are so fed up but are just together as kids. My husband works outside US and I stay alone in US with two kids for every other two months. I have recently graduated from a prestigious business school and has a very bright and lucrative career with multiple six figures. During my graduate school I made a blunder and just got into trap with a man. Nothing happened but he fwd. my few emails to husband. There was a lot of turmoil in the family; you can just imagine an aftermath in the traditional family. The marriage was already a catastrophe and it worsened after that episode. My husband abused me a lot in front of my family back in my country. However, he came back and got very friendly with my brother-in-law. They would sit for hours and my husband would slander and defame me in front of him. My sister was also in favor of my husband’s way of treating me because she feels that it was unethical on my part to get involved with another man regardless of any worst circumstances. I and my sister would often get into heated arguments. My sister is just a plain jane with no college at all in US, stay-at-home Mom, and is 10 years younger than me. Well, my family thinks that I am very smart, intelligent, beautiful and an active personality. Infact, I exercise a lot, so no one can figure out my age at all. My brother-in- law who is considered to be an attractive personality is also a graduate and has a good career. My husband likes my brother-in- law a lot and shares with him his emotions about me. My brother-in –law tells my sister that he sees nothing wrong in my husband and there can be a problem in me. I observed that my sister is not treating my brother in law well. She talks very loudly that too in a harsh tone. I told her couple of times that she talks in a rude manner and she should try to work on it. Moreover, one year after a baby, she has still not started exercising to get rid of her pregnancy weight. However, I noticed that my brother-in –law is obsessed with me.Infact, my brother-in-law says that I have a bright career and very beautiful. He is too obsessed with me that he would stare at me for hours without a eye blink… He would stare at my feet for long. He gives me a feel that he loves every aspect of me. But I think he is a player and he is playing with my sister and my husband too.His overt gestures make me feel that he needs something out of me. I was shocked to see him like this for me but realized that her wife is responsible because she is drifting him away from her by her conservative attitude.Suddenly, one day I called my sister and she stopped talking with me entirely without letting me know what went wrong. I requested her number of times that tell me what happened. She never responded to my any emails for months. Then, I called my sisters back in my country to ask the reason. They said that she feels that I am trying to break the relationship between her and hers husband. I was again shocked to hear that. I started requesting her to talk with me and tell me why she felt that. She never talked with me and then I heard her spreading rumors about me for her husband in the family. I decided to fight against it. I never told anyone in family about her husband moves because I did not want any troubles for anyone. I started surfing Dr. Cupid to read the problems concerning seduction, sis-in-law and brother-in-law etc. My husband has been monitoring my surfing keywords for last so many years. Suddenly, my husband called my sister and told her that I am surfing seduction on brother –in-law. My sister in law got so angry at me. She said that she also doubted the same. Her doubts are that I am luring her husband into the relationship for me because he is US Citizen and I need a green card. My husband got another gunshot for me. He would always say that I run after men like teenagers. That is extremely insulting. I could not control my anger. I blasted out his husband moves to my husband. Since my husband stays out of country and it was an IM. At that point of time, my husband said that he will not ever tell it to anyone. Simultaneously, I got curious about my brother-in- law moves (sleeping around/something else). And then I came to know that my brother-in-law told my sis that I seem interested in him for a relationship. On other hand, he went on friendly with my husband. I was figuring out my brother-in–law games.One day, during a chat, my husband suddenly popped up the message that something great happened and he has to quit marriage. I said 30 minutes before we talked and everything was okay and suddenly what happened. I came back from office. I was so nervous that I am not even prepared with kids for separation. I asked him we have to talk and then reach some conclusion. He got adamant and never told me the reason. I kept requesting him for two days about the reason. He never told me anything. And then after my tactics, he omitted out. He said that he forwarded that chat (my brother-in-law moves) to my brother-in –law to confirm and he said that this is other way around. He said that I proposed my brother in law for an emotional and physical commitment for a Green card. I laughed first and was shocked to hear that. That was a sheer lie. I never ever asked or told him anything like this. I was not even so friendly with him. My brother-in-law fabricated everything. First of all, my husband cheated me by sending that chat to him and then my brother-in-law told so much lie. My brother-in-law has been helping my husband emotionally and legally to leave me and take the kids away from me. On other hand, I have a feel that my brother-in-law is trying best to reach me by being friendly with my husband and listening to his bad emotions about me. As, I do not talk with my sister, my husband is the only way for him to stay in touch…I convinced my husband and told him that I will ask him. I am sure that if I ask my brother-in-law about this, he will deny this. My husband told me that my brother-in-law asked him to keep this proposal part a secret. Rather, he told my husband on this condition only. Further, my brother-in-law said that he will deny if my husband discloses it to me. My husband is so stupid that he believed what my brother-in-law said.After I heard about his Green card idea, I found it a good way to get the Green card(lol) but I do not want to be home wrecker.I am scared that my husband will have a new point now to have arguments. These points are a sheer lie. My husband is a short temepered person and does not have control on his emotions.Now I need suggestions::::1. How to cope with this situation in the family?2. What does my brother-in –law look like?3. Is it okay to carry on relationship with my sister and brother-in –law?4. I do not want to disclose it to my sister bcos then she will totally finish this relationship. How should I approach this situation in front of my sister without embarrassment?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (18 August 2011):
 You are married to an american citizen and have two children from a 14 yr marriage.
If your husband has hurt you and continues to threaten to hurt you or the children, go to the police and get a lawyer.
Who CARES what the sister and brother say, do or think?
You should be concerned with the safety of yourself and your children.
Obviously you are not in a place to rescue the marriage, it seems rather doomed. Take the time to seek out a lawyer to secure your finances. Get your own bank account, a restraining order and change the locks.
If your kids are American Citizens, you may not be able to leave to your home country.
I think the ONLY way to deal with your sister is to tell her that her husband has been flirting with you and told your husband that you are having an affair.
Tell your sister you are sorry to tell her hurtful news, but because you will no longer having anything to do with her husband, you are going to put your energy towards your children in these difficult times.
Stop thinking about that family and think about your own.
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