A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I've been attracted with this married guy for almost two years. When i first saw him i had a crush on him and i long to see him often. Last month we started exchanging messages. He said he wanted to know me better. We spent time together laughing and changing stories. I told him I got a crush on him for almost years. I've been very often with him that i do adore him so much that i could just spend the day staring at him. He also said that he is also attracted with me. He used to wait for me after work, messaged me, call me and fetch me home sometimes. I knew that he is happy spending time with me.Last night I spent with him he showered me kisses on cheeks. After that day he started avoiding me because he is not messaging me or calling me. I asked him why is he avoiding me and he just answered it's for the better. And clarified that he is not avoiding me but its the instances that might happen. He said sorry and told me that he doesn't want to hurt me in anyway and he wished I could understand. I was saddened. After that he didn't message me anymore. I wish we could be friends but he totally ended the communication and also started to avoid me personally. Did he just make fun of me or was he falling in love with me? I'm having a hard time dealing with it. What should I do?
View related questions:
crush, married man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for helping me to understand.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016): I am certain he was not making fun of you....& if by some highly unlikely chance that he was then that would say more about him (& not in a good way!) than you because he should be flattered & pleased that someone likes him & finds him attractive etc. Anyway he obviously liked you as a person since he spent time & attention on you but it sounds like you had a lucky escape. He could have easily slept with you then disappeared then how would you have felt? In a funny kind of way he is doing the right thing. He did explain to you what he thought and now he is keeping away. He's treated you fairly honestly and with some respect I guess. He could have kept you hanging on. Re his marriage we don't know the exact situation - perhaps he is very happy, or averagely happy and hoping his marriage will work - only he can answer that but in the meantime he is clearly trying not to do anything to cause problems, for his marriage & himself or for you (although he may well be thinking about himself first and foremost). It is hard to say without knowing him. However if his marriage does not work, then it will become apparent and at least you won't have been responsible for breaking them up and if it does work, then you won't have had the heartache of hanging on, getting more involved and getting hurt further along the line. In a way it's kind of a win win for you right now, although it hurts. Maybe you could try and focus on yourself, doing activities, spending time with friends, joining new activities - yes it will hurt but as time passes it will heal. I really don't think he was making fun of you though - why would he? that would be silly. What I notice is that this situation already has you doubting yourself ie seeing yourself as a laughing stock.....see how insidious being involved with someone who is married can become?? It has a weird way of creeping up on you and making you feel second best. Actually, he was lucky to have a friend, someone to talk to etc and certainly shouldn't be laughing at you - & isn't I am sure. I really do wish that married people would be much stronger and not lead other people on. It is quite surprising how, over time, you can get attached .. and they often conveniently forget to mention whether they are happy or not - they just suddenly panic/get guilts or whatever and pull away. You can stop yourself falling/getting attached to someone and if being 'friends' or friendly with a married person, I would really watch out for this insidious emotional trap. Also please don't sit on the side-lines feeling inadequate or making out he is so fantastic - the day to day reality of him (albeit he may be a nice enough man) is probably not nearly so exciting as you imagine - he might even be quite annoying and not the man for you ....a bit weak perhaps....who knows! It's worth thinking about it from all angles. Stay happy :)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016): It hurts like hell when someone makes you feel special, then suddenly leaves you hanging and you have to act like you don't care at all.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016): what is crush?! It doesn't mean you love the person.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2016): When he talked to me he didnt knew that i had a crush on him. But i eventually told him because i want to let go the feeling. I knew that he is happily married so i knew that friendship is the only thing we could have or a brother and sister relationship. I was shocked when he kissed me on the cheeks for the last night i've seen him. I didn't expect he would do that and keep asking myself what was that for?
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (7 February 2016):
 No OP, it's true that you can't control who you crush on, but you CAN control whether you TELL that person or not. And him being married should be a HUGE clue to NOT tell him. To nip those feelings in the bud.
Just because someone has a crush doesn't mean the other person HAS to know. Or that they OWE you to feel the same or be HAPPY that you have a crush on them. THINK about it. Let's say someone you ARE NOT interested in, someone who gives you the creeps (not saying that you give this married guy the creeps - I doubt that - this is only to explain the situation of exposing a crush or not) - but back to the example. HOW would you feel if some creepy old married co-worker sprung it on you that he had a crush on you and then wanted to be your friend? You would probably feel it was really inappropriate of him to PUSH his emotions on you.
Maybe the reason he is pushing you away, is because he KNOWS he can't be friends with you. And he can't be true to his wife if he does. So the ONLY real solution, is to "blank" you out of his life as much as possible.
It's NOT really his fault that you have feelings for him, is it?
Maybe him pushing you away will help you get over that crush asap and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 February 2016): Having a crush on him is beyond my control. i've been vulnerable but i think it shouldn't be a passed to hurt me in anyway. I'm just sad when someone you cared about started to avoid you as if you've been an evil person towards him. Now he's avoiding me like a criminal.
...............................
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 February 2016):
 "Sounds" like his wife caught on to why he was acting so strangely..... and he decided that he needed to sacrifice YOU .... so that his marriage didn't fall apart...
Not to worry... it happens all the time... and those who end up on the "short" end of the deal (those, like YOU!) feel put upon.... but they (you) knew that you were playing with fire.....
Good luck....
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 February 2016):
 Probabaly neither.
He felt an attraction for you and was tempted to act upon it. Then, either his conscience and morals caught up with him before things would go any further, or he got afraid of being found out and wrecking his home life, and decided that the attraction was not worth the trouble.
Couldn't a married man and a single woman be friends ?... I suppose they could. But if the girl is having a crush on the married guy since years ?; heck no !,then they can't and they shouldn't. A crush is the opposite of a mere platonic friendship. I bet all you want that you could not spend all day staring the face of your other male friends and colleagues .
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (6 February 2016):
You don't want to be his friend you want more, however THIS guys is married - you do know what that is right? When two people stand up together and make a vow, to be there for each OTHER (not for other women/men) etc.
I don't think he fell in love with you, what he DID "fall in love with" was the idea of someone thinking he is all that and a bag of chips. That someone was crushing on him and worshiping him. It made him temporarily feel good. He got his ego stroked.
He backed off, because it's the RIGHT thing for him to do. He is married and should have backed the away he minute you you crossed the line, with your "I have had a crush on you".
Now YOU do the right thing, and leave him alone.
If you don't want to get hurt hurt that again, I suggest you stay away from married and taken guys. YOU got lucky this time. He could easily have used you and tossed you like an old Kleenex.
And take a few minutes to consider your own actions in this. How would you feel if YOUR husband got in a situation with some chick who acted like you did? Bet you wouldn't like that.
Time to grow up.
...............................
A
female
reader, goldie22  +, writes (6 February 2016):
He has a wife and probably kids who he loves. He got caught up in flurtation with you and has now ended it so you need to accept that he doesn't want to see you.
I am a wife and mother myself and if my husband cheated on me it would ruin me completely. Please stop chasing after married men. If their willing to make marriage vows before God and witnesses and then to go chasing after other girls then they are not good men to begin with. Look for someone single and have an honest loving relationship based on trust and honesty not secrets and betrayal.
...............................
A
female
reader, Ivyblue  +, writes (6 February 2016):
 I don't think he was making fun of you, rather than he came darn close to betraying his wife and marriage. Just a realisation that he had made a mistake. The woman he loves is his wife. Leave him be, finally he has done the right thing by not allowing things to go further. There is no such thing as FRIENDS in a situation like this only than being respectful enough to adhere to his wishes without pursuing explanation.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAren't a married man and single woman could be friends?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMaybe he just
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2016): Yes he is married not realizing that he was either establishing friendship or love. Sometimes men could sense you like them and use that to catch you.
But married men and single ladies could also be friends.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2016): I was in the same age group as you when this married man from work started giving me all this attention- messages, lunches together. Pretty soon, we became sexually involved. And four years later, I am sitting here alone. It is not worth it- please believe me. Do not get involved with this guy. Don't contact him. And there really is no way to just be friends with him. Just don't do it. Do things that make you happy and no matter how lonely, don't get involved with an attached man. He has nothing to offer you. I can only advice you from my experience- four years of being together was only about sex to him. I cared and am trying to let go now. It is hard. Don't make the same mistakes.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (6 February 2016):
 The man is married, he thought about having an affair with you but then changed his mind. Maybe he realised jhe was risking his marriage and all that entails or maybe his wife started to get suspicious, either way he is not free to pursue any relationship with you.
You need to accept his decision and next time stay away from men who are already in a telationship
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 February 2016): I think he just re-evaluated the consequences of what was bound to happen if your attraction to each other went any furthur..And he decided that even though he was attracted to you, maybe even starting to fall in love with you, it wasnt worth losing everything that he had...i dont feel it had anything to do with making fun of you
...............................
|
