A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Firstly, sorry for the length of the question but I just wanted to give as much information as possible!So I met a guy online four months ago. He is 21, I am 22, and we are from quite different backgrounds - he is Turkish but was born in the UK and has lived here all of his life, and I am English.The first red flag I got was when he let me down before the third date, we were supposed to meet during a Sunday afternoon, and at 4pm on Sunday he texted me to tell me he had to go to a barbecue and couldn't make it. I was very annoyed and didn't reply to his text. The next day he messaged again to say he was really sorry, so I thought I would give him the benefit of the doubt.After that he made a real effort to be more reliable which was nice. I really started to fall for his character - he was so caring he seemed more concerned about me than about himself, he was extremely respectful of me physically (he was very nervous to kiss me for the first time and we never had sex), and he was so calming to be with - with him I got that feeling you can't explain.About two months into the relationship he had to go to Turkey for a month to see family and do a work placement. I saw him the last two nights before he left and we were becoming very close, although we had still not been intimate at this point. We also didn't discuss seeing other people while he was away, but he said he didn't want to go and that he would see me when he got back,While he was away I didn't hear from him as much, and as time went on the communication became slower - on the third week it took him 5 days to reply to one of my messages even though I could see he had read it. I wasn't going to reply but after 5 days I couldn't help myself and messaged him telling him I missed him, and he messaged me back instantly saying he didn't expect to miss me this much and he can't wait to see me. I told him I missed talking to him, and after that he was much more in touch again during the last week of his trip. We met up the evening after he returned and it was so lovely to see him and catch up. He was very affectionate as always and I could tell he had really missed me. I asked him to come and stay with me for the first time that night, but he said he felt he had to go back home because his brother was expecting him (he lives with his younger brother)Unfortunately I had to go away for a week after that night, but he was back to messaging me every day, telling me how much he misses me etc all week. We had arranged to meet the following evening after I had returned, but he had to cancel because he was doing a work placement and they made him stay late. We then rearranged for a Saturday, and he had to do a favour for his Mums friend that day so I arranged to meet him after. He kept me updated but he didn't finish the favour until 9pm at night. I was really fed up and so was he. The next morning on Sunday he asked me to meet and we spent the whole day together.He said that day that he felt so lucky to have me and suggested going to a festival a year in advance. I could tell he was trying to figure out if I was seeing other people too but I didn't make it clear (even though I wasn't) During the date he asked to see me the following Tuesday, saying he didn't like to be away from me for too long because he misses me.On Tuesday, the same thing happened again, he wasn't able to get away from his placement on time. Confusingly, he didn't rearrange to see me at that point, but I think he may of been worried about letting me down again as he was doing placement all week. On Saturday I said I could see him in the evening if he was free, but he had to go out for his brothers birthday. The next morning, we arranged to meet for a few hours, but he had to leave early to visit a family friend in hospital. I was due to go away for a week the following Thursday, and he promised to see me again before I left.However, he didn't make any plans to see me, and on Wednesday evening I asked him if he was free, and he said no, but he said he would have to make it up to me when I got back. I was really fed up and it didn't help that he didn't tell me why he wasnt free, so I decided I didn't want to see him anymore. I messaged him to say I didn't feel he had time for this and I think its more fair on both of us if we leave it there. he messaged me back saying he would like to talk to me about this when I return and I didn't reply.The day before I was due to return, he messaged me again asking me how I was, and I replied when I got home the following day. We arranged to meet on Saturday. On Saturday morning, he texted me to ask if he could come over to my place. I said I would rather we meet for drinks first as I wanted to talk to him, so we arranged to do that. Then about an hour later, he texted to say he was going through a stressful time and consequently has been awake for about 30 hours, and he wasn't going to be very good company. I could tell he seemed stressed so left it at that. The next day I asked him if he was free to meet and he replied saying he had to go to a funeral that day. I just said I'm sorry for whatever's happened and hope your okay.I felt so let down yet again, but because he was obviously going though a very bad time I just left it for a week, although we were still in contact daily. The weekend after, I expected him to make plans with me to finally talk, and asked if he was free Sunday. He said he had to go and help a friend build some furniture. I was so frustrated, I sent him a message simply asking why he kept messaging me when he didn't make any time for me. He replied saying he has just had no time lately there seems to be stuff going on all the time, and he didnt want it to be this way either. I suggested that I was at the very bottom of his priority list, and he said that wasnt the case and that me being happy is very important to him. I was so frustrated that I didnt reply.A week later I was feeling bad that we had left it on that note, so I sent him a message saying I know hes been going through a crazy time and I understand and hope we can be friends, and he hasn't replied - this was now two weeks ago.I'm finding it hard to let it go when i have no idea what actually caused this to go so wrong. Is there a culture difference in terms of putting your family and friends first? (all his friends are Turkish and he has known them all his life - they are like a big community). Also, he never invited me back to his place, like he was keeping me hidden away.I really miss him and have thought about asking him how he is, but then part of me feels like this relationship is just not functional in the circumstances so theres no point, and I also don't really understand his silence - any ideas?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2015): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be honest I thought it was something like that. Thank you for taking the time to read/answer - onwards and upwards! :)
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2015): yes, deep cultural difference.trying to beat it seldom works.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (5 October 2015):
 I agree with WiseOwlE
98% of Turkey's population are Muslims. I know growing up in Denmark that the younger generation acted much like their Danish peers except for the fact that they didn't date Danish girls/boys openly. Specially the Turkish girls, as they were not only expected to be virgins, but to be married off to a relative or stranger from back home. Same was not quite the rules for the guys. It was OK for them to have "relations" (sexual relationships) with Danish girls but not to marry them. They too were and surely are today as well, expected to marry someone with a similar background, SPECIALLY when it comes to religion.
I'd delete his number and let him go. While he might have seemed VERY similar to English young men, he has a VERY different upbringing and expectations on his shoulder from his family and his faith.
I think you are much better off finding a less complicated relationship than this. One where you are not a "dirty" secret.
He might have liked you a lot, but deep down you would have been a "stepping stone", not something long term and serious. Because THAT would go against his family and religion.
The silence can come from him being found out or him having found another English woman to date a little OR his family have found him a job/bride away from the UK.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2015): You may be a little in denial, or very naive. He is dating you secretly and doesn't want his family to know about you.
He has never introduced you to his brother, and that should have been the dead giveaway. He went to a barbecue and he didn't think to invite you? That would have been a great date, and an opportunity to introduce you to his family and friends.
He always has credible excuses, but you are always excluded from his personal life. How can you have a relationship with someone who treats you like a dirty secret?
Friends are pretty much all you'll ever be, and he isn't ready to expose you to his family; because he is most likely a practicing Muslim. Or, his family is Muslim; and expecting him to date Muslim women. He's perfectly comfortable with not hearing from you, or contacting you; because it's exhausting trying to maintain a double-life.
He was probably hoping there will eventually be sex; since it is highly more likely you'll eventually offer him sex, than a Muslim woman. He patiently waited to see if that would happen, and it didn't. So his interest may have faded. So not introducing you to his family worked out just the way he wanted it to. He didn't stir-up any gossip among his Turkish friends, or create family issues. You backed out without anyone knowing you even existed. Quite conveniently, I might add.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2015): Yeh, my idea would be to find a man who wants to have a good time,young and carefree. Life is too short to be constantly be trying to work people out and be let down time after time.
I could not be arsed.
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