New here? Register in under one minute   Already a member? Login226259 questions, 983915 answers  

  DearCupid.ORG relationship advice
  Got a relationship, dating, love or sex question? Ask for help!Search
 New Questions Answers . Most Discussed Viewed . Unanswered . Followups . Forums . Top agony aunts . About Us .  Articles  . Sitemap

My husband has sex with me when I'm asleep....is it rape or "silent sex"?

Tagged as: Marriage problems, Sex<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 March 2008) 24 Answers - (Newest, 7 March 2013)
A female United Kingdom age 41-50, anonymous writes:

my husband had sex with me when I was drunk and asleep - I woke up as he pulled out and was climbing off me, cleaning himself up with tissues, I have confronted him and he says he thought I was awake - there is no way he thought I was awake as we did not speak at all and we don't usually have silent sex, he knows how upset I am, I just don't know what to do about this...suggestions? I feel I do not know him any more

View related questions: drunk

<-- Rate this Question

Reply to this Question


Share

Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question!

A female reader, Abella United States + , writes (7 March 2013):

Abella agony auntThis is a crime. That you were immobilized by any means, making it impossible to resist, and making it impossible for you to give consent means it is a crime.

And it is a crime in your country. It is not acceptable. It is abuse.

That some countries have not yet defined it as a crime is the shame of those unenlightened countries. And it is a crime if a man does it to a woman. And a crime if a woman does it to a man. And a crime if the same sex partner does it to their same sex partner. CRIME. Not acceptable. And abusive. No one has the right to do this to you.

<-- Rate this answer

A reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2013):

I think that you all should be ashamed!! Spousal assault is real and it happens all the time whether people admit it. I spent years being sexually abused awake or not this should be taken seriously... If you were not conscience then it was rape... Drunk or not there is no fine line...

There is no.. 'She was asking for it' or ' she acted like she did physically' if you say no or are not awake it should be a clear NO!!! Why is that so hard to understand?

I am so very sorry that you have been through what you have been through because I know what you are going though... You husband couldn't have done that (rape) right?

Well sadly yes it happens all the time but people hardly report it because how could your husband rape you!? You are supposed to have sex while married but i'll tell you this... If it's not wanted then its not wanted.... End of story...

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008):

if you were too drunk to wake up for the sex then you can claim that your husband had no form of consent as u CANT REMEMBER, your husband was the CONSCIOUS one so he could tell you if you were or not..you may seem conscious to him as the influence of alcohol works on you yet there is not much he can do to get a guaranteed 100% conscious answer from you as being drunk can either A: make you do things that you seem to be aware of but dont remember and B: be completely passed out and not remember..so depending on your relationship and trust is where things will end up. And where have you heard of a loving couple accusing rape of the other..

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Cherriepie United States +, writes (2 April 2008):

Cherriepie agony auntHi Hunny! Im sorry you had to go though this, and i hoped you heal up from it. i agree with you that the word "rape" has tainted the responses here, and if it wasn't in your origional questioning it was at least implied. You said you were upset and angry with him about it, and thats why the implication of rape pops up. In a lot of normal situations sex can happen while half drunken...."alert and conscious sex"..that's a laugh! But seriously you must have been dead asleep for him to have sex with you like that. And I will call it sex, because you are his wife, and legally are are supposed to have sex together right?

These people who jumped in with the big rape flag have never been in a marriage or in a deeply personally sexual relationship, in my oppinion. I tend to agree with troubledtoomuch when he talks about his experiences with his wife and how they have sex a lot without even thinking about it...half asleep or half drunk, doesnt matter. If you are together and trusting it shouldnt matter as long as nobody is being hurt. Your husband did not hurt you and that is the key question here isnt it.

Does your husband love you? If if he does, having sex with you is not a violation of you but an act of love. Now that this happened and it bothered you, just settle it by talking to him about it saying you rather he not do that again..that's all you need to do. If he loves you he won't do it again.

There's no need for a big Drama. Time to kiss and makeup...and there's nothing wrong with makeup sex.

Bye Love!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (24 March 2008):

Blimey! I posted the question and have read the replies...Can I just point out that I did not mention 'Rape' in my question, that was in the title to the post, which I have nothing to do with. The lack of detail in my question is probably due to the fact that I have never done anything like this before and whilst I could have probably writen an essay on the whole senario and circumstances surrounding this, I really didn't think anyone would want to read all that. I guess I was - and still am, pretty shocked and hurt by what happened that night and just got on the computer to see if there was a virtual hug and some consolation out there, and may-be just see if other people thought the situation was as out of order as I do, so for those of you that posted kind words - I thank you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Boonridge McPhalify United Kingdom +, writes (21 March 2008):

Boonridge McPhalify agony auntnot very much detail to this-cant go accusing people on hardly any evidence. hes your man and you can meter out whatever punishment you want based on your personal (intoxicated) experience.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (19 March 2008):

Your story seems to lack credibility. You claim to have slept throughout the process and it is only when your husband had withdrawn you claim you "woke up". If you were in such a drunken coma as you claim then surely nothing would have woken you up at all? Why wake up at this particular point and not before when your husband was allegedly having intercourse?

Especially if that intercourse would have not only been uncomfortable but possibly painful considering your alleged unconscious state then there may have been no prepatory lubrication of the vagina.

Strangely you do not report any pain or even discomfort at all which given you allegations would have been your first complaint against your husband.

But you imediately jumped into an accusation of rape, which should be in fact the possible conclusion to a supply of the facts relevant to that very serious accusation not the begining, middle and end of your complaint.

If you want to be taken seriously you should consider offering proper evidence,rather than just depending on the accusation alone to carry more weight than the facts.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008):

I have to say I'm a little disturbed by some of these answers. It seems that, to some here, if a woman has not explicitly expressed a desire for a sexual act not to be performed, then carrying it out without consent is ok, which leaves the door open for all sorts of things.

And I am very uncomfortable with the implications that 'if you were that drunk, how do you know if you consented or not?' argument brings up - just because a woman is incapacitated doesn't mean she's fair game. Granted with any conversation when rape and alcohol intersect it should be noted that each person carries a certain amount of responsibility for their own safety, but surely in a marriage the spouse should take on some of that responsibility.

In this case, I do think your husband was out of line. Whether you call it rape or not is up to you. If you think this act affected the relationship to a point where legal proceedings need to take place, then maybe it should be called rape. If you're not going to take this further and you're planning on attempting to rebuild this relationship, I would think that sticking the 'rape' label on is going to have some serious implications.

Whatever happens, I'm sorry that you had to go through an experience which was obviously traumatic for you.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008):

Well sorry, but anyone who has sex with a unconscious woman is committing RAPE!!

What's wrong with you people!

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008):

Yeah, that is the problem with a lot of the questions. There are seldom enough details to really know what the whole situation was. This one is a bit different, as she might not really ever know if she reacted or not. That is the problem and therefore cannot really say what she did or didn’t do. The first couple of times, I thought that my wife wanted me to continue the snuggling to sex. When she finally got more awake, I discovered this not to be true. If she had been drunk enough, she might have never gotten fully conscious and we might have had sex, with her forgetting it entirely in the morning. I’m just saying that cannot be classified as rape in any way.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008):

Just because she was too drunk to be fully awake doesn’t mean that she wasn’t responsive. When someone is drunk enough they will do many things, even drive home from a party and then not remember that they did it. What makes you so sure that she was lying there like a mannequin? It appears that she was so drunk that she has no idea what she did. Just because she was so drunk as to not remember reacting to the sex doesn’t mean that she wasn’t reacting. As I said, my wife reacts to my snuggling during the night with words and movement and remembers nothing in the morning. I have done the same thing. My wife had a short conversation with me one night a few weeks ago and I remembered nothing about it in the morning when she told me about it. I imagine that we all do things like that, sober or drunk.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008):

My wife just reminded me that I have told her many times that she has said something to me when I wake her up slightly in the middle of the night and that she doesn’t remember saying anything at all the next morning. When she says these things to me, she sounds awake to me. However, she is not fully alert at the time. She moves some to either get closer to me or to move away. This happens when she hasn’t had a thing to drink the night before. This normally happens when I am trying to snuggle against her at like 3 or 4 in the morning after I have awakened for a while. It has never resulted in sex, as I used to think that she wanted sex and would try to continue. She would wake up and tell me to allow her to sleep. I learned that it was just a semi awake reaction and just snuggled after the first couple of times.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008):

Both my wife and I have read the responses and have to agree completely with Tellulah.

Many years ago, my ex wife and I were dating again after our divorce, as she wanted to get back with me. One night, she woke up and tried to give me oral sex so that I would get an erection and she could jump on me. She had worn me out that night with sex and I didn’t awaken. I guess I got raped. Gee, I never knew that until now.

This is a serious situation, not so much for what he did, but for the fact that you are obviously in a marriage with even more serious problems than this one incident. If he had sex with you when you were asleep then it was wrong of him if you really did make no sounds, but to consider it rape is laughable. He says that he thought that you were awake. Did you resist? Do you even have any idea what really happened? If you were so drunk that you didn't wake up when he was having sex with you, then I doubt that you are in any condition to even know what you said or did during that time.

My wife can't believe that any woman could not wake up from sex unless she had been drugged against her will. She wakes up if I just fondle her slightly in the middle of the night, even after she has had 3 glasses of wine with dinner. For you not to have awakened must mean that you had far more than that to drink.

Yes, there is a big problem. A problem with your marriage. I think that you both need some serious counseling. If he drugged you to have sex because you have a bad sex life, then that would be spousal rape. If you got drunk of your own free will and can’t even remember what happened then how can that be considered rape? Couples get drunk together and have sex all the time. Sometimes one is so drunk that they don’t remember what happened. Fortunately, for the relationship, these people don’t go crying rape if this happens. Both parties know that they are getting and might have sex.

Some people have said that he is required to get permission from you to have sex with you. Boy, I don’t envy your relationship. I don’t need permission from my wife to have sex with her. If she is not in the mood then she just tells me and I stop until another time. To require some form of permission beforehand is more like buying sex then having great spontaneous sex with a loving partner. I don’t remember ever asking any of my past girlfriends’ permission to have sex with them. One of us would just initiate sex with the other.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, TELLULAH United Kingdom +, writes (17 March 2008):

TELLULAH agony auntI am just wondering how drunk you were. It seems odd that you didnt know he was having sex with you, but you know that you didnt say anything to encourage him. How do you know for certain that you didnt?

Dont get me wrong I am not saying that this isnt serious. Just that it is an extremely bad acusation.

I dont know what your normal relationship is like, only you do. But if he has ever shown signs of violence towards you before, then I think alarm bells would ring. But if he is normally kind and loving, maybe! just maybe, you said something while you were drunk and he thought he had the green light.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008):

This situation sounds a lot like mine, but I don't have silent sex so to speak. Your husband has needs too, maybe you have cut him off and he feels this is the only way to have sex. I am not saying it is right but I think we all get way to serious about about normal desires involving sex.

I get real tired of sex being used as a reward for being a so called good boy. People are different and both partners need to learn to accept each others faults and not be so picky. Nobodys perfect even though many think they are. With a normal sexual relationship, there would be no need for silent sex.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008):

Did he know how you felt about it?

Marriage rape is mentioned by some of the others but that is a bit too strong. After all you didn't say no. I presume you weren't in a break up situation, you two just went to bed together as you do every night. If he had woken you with kisses, would you then have said no against sex? So, you didn't wake up and he had full on sex, a bit too much perhaps, but where is the real harm? It upsets you, but why?

I say this because the exact opposite gets women pissed of as well. The guy wakes up, is horny, sees his partner is still sleeping so jerks off instead thinking he is a nice guy for not disturbing her rest. WRONG! Different stokes and all.

Some people enjoy wake-up sex.

So I wouldn't go as far as rape for just this once. You married him, went to bed with him but found out that there was a line he shouldn't have crossed when it was crossed. Too bad, but not worth ruining a relationship over this.

Consider it like this. Say you are totally not into anal play and never mentioned this and he stick a finger up your ass, would you classify that as rape? No offcourse not, ONLY after you say no would it become an issue. Else you would have to draw up a complete list of every possible action and check what is allowed and what isn't before ever getting intimate with someone.

Talk to him about it, explain why you feel it was wrong so that he KNOWS. Then if he does it again, yes that would be rape since you said NO. He knows your upset but does he know WHY?

Do you even know? You give no reasons.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008):

I have to say that i would consider this to be rape. Talk to him and explain that you didnt like it and dont want it to ever happen again and if it does then he is out of that door with your foot up his arse!

take care

xx

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, Laura1318 Malaysia +, writes (17 March 2008):

Laura1318 agony auntSpousal rape is also called marital rape and often wrongly conflated with partner rape or intimate partner sexual assault (IPSA).

Because there is a widely held view that a man or woman surrenders consent upon entering a marriage, the law has been slow to criminalize this form of sexual assault.

It is now a crime in most parts of the Western world, but exemptions still apply in some places; for example in some places marital rape cannot be prosecuted if the couple were living together at the time of the assault.

From

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spousal_rape

You can warn him not to do again and lock the door when you go to sleep.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008):

When in a relationship, I have frequently aroused my partner during the night by caressing her until she wakes / becomes responsive and we have had fantastic sex at ridiculous hours.

On a number of occasions they have commented on it later saying how wonderful the experience was of being aroused / seduced during the night.

However, I had a similar experience to yours once, with an ex-girlfriend. (Who had not been drinking that I was aware of and was in no way known to me intoxicated) when I had sex with her in the middle of the night.

The next morning she accussed me of raping her saying that she did not give consent.

In my defense she was not 'unconscious' at the time, and certainly could have said 'no' if she didn't want sex at the time.

I felt very hurt and we broke up over it.

Also my current girlfriend's ex-husband had sex with her whilst she was 'passed out drunk' and she felt completely violated. I agreed with her that I would have felt violated.

Another odd thing is that an attractive woman fainted in front of me once in a bank with other people present.

I had a vivid fantasy about having sex with her and I got an errection and imagined myself taking 'advantage' of her. Of course I didn't and even if we had been in private I wouldn't have. But, it was weird and a very 'primitive' reaction in me. Sort of like caveman, gronk hunts girl and takes her back to the cave.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, thatgothgirl20 United States +, writes (17 March 2008):

thatgothgirl20 agony auntHmmmm, so basically Samurai Rick has said "oh if you tire him out (ie if you give him good sex) he wont have to resort to sleeping with you when you are drunk." In other words, he is saying that what happened to you is your own fault, and that this could've been prevented. I COULD NOT DISAGREE MORE. THIS WAS RAPE!!!!!!! It's up to you what you want to do about this, though.

You have my condolences.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2008):

I feel I must comment on the advice given below that suggests 'asking him to engage in alert and concious sex with you in the future'.

Im sorry but it is surely a given that someone will not have sex with you if you are neither alert or concious.

What your husband did was totally unacceptable and very odd. If what happened is making you as uncomfortable as you sound then I advise you to seek councelling and advice from a professional or a close friend.

Good luck x

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Danielepew Mexico +, writes (17 March 2008):

Danielepew agony auntMaybe I can add that some people will consider it rape, some others don't, but it is still wrong, punishable by law or not. It doesn't seem right to me to have sex with a person who can't consent to it.

I find it hard to suggest a course of action. I don't think you should dismiss it as unimportant. but I also don't think it should affect your marriage to the point of serious problems. You need to stand up for yourself, all right. Perhaps you can tell him you didn't like it, that he should not repeat it, and then think, by yourself, what you would do if he did it again.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, SamuraiRick United States +, writes (17 March 2008):

SamuraiRick agony auntNo its not rape. That's going way to far. He is your husband after all. But if you and he have a good sex life theres no excuse for him doing this. Sure you have a right to protest and get angry...but better to resolve it by asking him to engage in alert and concious sex with you in the future. Anger and bitter feelings do nothing to help a marriage, but only feed the flames of destruction.

You fight this by loving your husband more and tending to his needs while you are both sober. If you tire him out he wont have to resort to the extremes of drunken sex.

You already told him you are angry with him about it. Now its your job to put it behind you and repair things in your sex life. If you let this bother you too much you will tear him away from you.

You should always look at the brighter side of things. He did not have drunken sex with another women but with you, his own wife whom he loves. Learn to see the positive and not the negative and try to resolve your issues in bed without bitterness.

May you have peace, happiness and lots of love. Follow the path to a smile not a frown.

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

A male reader, Dr. John United States +, writes (17 March 2008):

Dr. John agony auntHere in the states there are varying laws about rape.

However, California and Washington State are what are known as landmark states and are usually used as the model states that other states follow as far as what laws to set and how to enforce them. For that reason I did some research and found a website that pretty well defines rape. Look it over and decide for yourself. Doc

http://www.healthyplace.com/Communities/Abuse/lisk/legal_rape_definition.htm

<-- Rate this answer

...............................   

New answers are blocked to this question

All Content Copyright (C) DearCupid.ORG 2004-2008 - we actively monitor for copyright theft

0.0625!