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Did my boyfriend snub my son by not saying goodbye to him?

Tagged as: Big Questions, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 May 2018) 7 Answers - (Newest, 18 May 2018)
A female Canada age 36-40, anonymous writes:

Something is bugging me. I drove my boyfriend to work today. His car is in the shop and he doesn't live with me. My 13 year-old son was in the car too. After I dropped off my boyfriend, I was going to drop my son off at school.

Well, my boyfriend got out of the car when I dropped him off at work and didn't say good bye to my son. He said good bye to me and then got out of the car. He didn't say bye to my son or didn't even look back as he was walking away to wave good bye. This has been bothering me ever since.

I haven't said anything about it. I feel like what's the use?

I would like to know if you think it was rude or disrespectful of my boyfriend not to say goodbye to my kid. I feel like he snubbed him.

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A male reader, TylerSage United States + , writes (18 May 2018):

TylerSage agony auntI think this question stems from you own intuition. It appears you have some reason to believe that your boyfriend doesn't show particular interest in your son and you're worried about it.

Mind you, you can't force you bf to bond with your son, but naturally it would be expected if he hopes to be a part of your life. I don't think this one experience is enough for the sake of confrontation but I would advise you continue watching his actions. If at some point you have clear reason to believe that he neglects your son that gently raise the issue. Most likely he'll deny it or say something mean, or he could sincerely be oblivious to it, but actions do indeed speak louder than words.

All the best.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2018):

I agree with the others, maybe he is not used to being in the car with your son and forgot he was back there? Thats if theres nothing else of issue for you.

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A female reader, Honeypie United States + , writes (17 May 2018):

Honeypie agony auntI agree with Cindy..

I also presume there is more than ONE episode for you to feel this way. If it's ONLY this once, I don't see the issue.

And like Cindy mentioned, WHY not talk to him about it? If it really bothers you?

Did it bother your son? Did he mention it at all?

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2018):

Hi, it's the OP. My son has autism and is non verbal. My bf knows that boy is the light of my life. But just because he can't speak doesn't mean he can't hear or understand what people are saying. No, he doesn't have a close relationship with my son and I guess that this bothers me.

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A female reader, femmenoir Australia +, writes (17 May 2018):

femmenoir agony auntUNLESS you know something "negative" about your bf and your son's relationship, then i would say, try not to worry too much, about your bf not saying a specific goodbye to your son.

I know it may seem rude to you, because you're his Mother, however, your bf may not have intended to come across as dismissive, rude or cold toward your son.

I'd say, if this has happened before or if it happens again, then sure, yes, do speak to your bf about it (in a non-aggressive, non-confrontational way).

At the end of the day, if your bf likes/loves you, then he ought accept your son and like him too, otherwise what's the use of your relationship progressing, right?

Your bf knows you're a Mum and he still chose to be with you, so as they say, you and your son are part of the entire package and he must respect/accept that.

He cannot simply love you and want you in his life and cast aside the person you love most, your son.

I do see where you're coming from, however, as all other readers have stated, don't make a big issue out of it at this stage, because you've no concrete proof/evidence as to what his modus operandi was and i'm guessing there wasn't any.

He simply went to work and had to leave quickly.

What i do know, is that within some cultures, acknowledgement of all family members is extremely important, as within my culture.

For many people, if a person they are closely connected to, walks away without saying goodbye to all, then this is considered rude, however, before we judge anybody, it's always a good rule of thumb, to "find out" if there "may" have been an issue, before making any final judgement and causing unnecessary problems.

Finally, this is your bf, the man that you chose to be with too, so you ought feel relaxed and comfortable enough, to approach him regarding this, if you cannot let this incident go and it's worrying you to such an extent.

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A female reader, CindyCares Italy + , writes (17 May 2018):

CindyCares agony auntIs there something else in your relationship that's nagging at you ? Are you perceiving a general cooling off, of which this episode is just ONE example ? Did your bf show or say or hint that he has a problem with your son, or with you being a parent ?...

If not- then yes, you are making a big mountain of a mole hill, and stirring up a big tempest in a teacup.

Why should your bf have turned around and waved goodbye, when you dropped him off at work ? He was not leaving for a transatlantic cruise, nor sending off his toddlers to the preschool day trip. Why making it all so formal ? When you take your leave from people, do you always make a point to say " Goodbye, John and goodbye, Mary and goodbye, Charles "? Or some times, you just say " see ya, bye " and off you go ?

Maybe he was in a hurry to go to work, maybe he got temporarily distracted thinking of something else, maybe he thought his goodbye in the car was meant to be general ,including both of you . Maybe your teen kid was obviously doing his own thing as teens will do, like with his nose on his phone or in his comic book. Whatever the reason, no I don't think your bf was pointedly and purposedly trying to snub your kid; in fact , it's very strange that you should think so - unless there's more to the story, like he already made clear that he does not like your kid , or that he'd rather date a childless woman.

Otherwise, don't overthink this, it's not a big deal.

OTH, since for you , apparently, it IS such a big deal, that it stayed in your mind all day, why then didn't you mention it to him ? " John, I noticed that you did not say bye to my kid, it sort of bothered me, you know ? "

He is your bf , you should be able to communicate ( in a calm, non confrontational way ) when something either one does makes the partner uneasy .

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A female reader, Youcannotbeserious United Kingdom + , writes (17 May 2018):

Youcannotbeserious agony auntDoes your boyfriend have a close relationship with your son? Was your son bothered by the perceived "snub" or is it only you looking for a reason to feel indignation on behalf of your son? Did your son have his head in his mobile (as most kids that age tend to do)? Did your son say goodbye to your boyfriend? Was your boyfriend in a hurry with his mind on other things?

Unless this is part of a larger problem between your boyfriend and your son, I think you are making a proverbial mountain out of a mole hill. Let it go.

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