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Did my boyfriend lie about where he was yesterday afternoon? Could he have cheated on me??

Tagged as: Cheating, Trust issues<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (12 February 2016) 3 Answers - (Newest, 14 February 2016)
A female age 41-50, anonymous writes:

I am in desperate need of help.

So desperate I am reaching out to strangers on the internet. But I feel like I already know some of you by reading your advice.

Yes, I have been here before seeking comfort and help. And here I am again.

I feel so alone. Helpless. Lost.

I don't know if the demons are mine or if I have a cheater on my hands.

I am having a really tough time trying to separate gut feeling from paranoia. I don't know which is which. I don't know which one to believe.

It has plagued me for a long time. But lately I seem to have begun the gradual process of distancing myself from my boyfriend. And building my wall higher.

I can lose him, I know. Because I accuse him of cheating every time we are together. And every time I accuse him, he forgives me. I am not sure why he even does this.

It is like we are addicted to each other.

We have a 2.5 year history. For the most part, our relationship is great but I have trust issues which get in the way. And sometimes I think they have driven him to cheat. And if he is cheating, he won't leave me. He says I am special. His best sex partner ever. That there is nobody like me. That he would never risk what we have by cheating on me. That he is not nor ever will be intetested in anyone else. That I meet all his needs. He calls me his Princess.

But despite it all, and anything he says or does, I have it in my head that he is cheating.

But I don't want to believe it.

I don't want to leave him.

Here is the one thing I have come closest to as proof.

Yesterday afternoon he texted to say hi. He told me he was getting ready to leave to have coffee with his friend and business partner.

When I saw him today, I decided to be coy because of my inability to trust him. So I asked him what he did yesterday. Not bringing up the fact he texted me to tell me he was going to meet his friend for coffee. Just acted as if. He told me he hung around the house and did a couple things around the house but did not go out. He said he only went out for a chiropractor's appointment. I kept asking him, "are you sure that's all you did? You didn't go out anywhere? I kept asking that and insisting. So much so that he finally said to me, "I don't know. Why don't you tell me?" Like I would know??? So after a long while after appearing quite sure he did not go anywhere it's like a light bulb finally went off and he said "Oh, I had coffee with Ed. I was at his place from about 12-3 or thereabouts."

Now, isn't there a big problem with this picture??? Can you see why I am so upset and think he is cheating?

My way of seeing it is he was not at his friend's house for coffee. He lied. Would he not remember what he did for 3 hours the day before? We are talking yesterday!

I can maybe give it a pass if it was last week but yesterday??? I must also say he did have a busy evening yesterday and was at a couple of different places which he did mention. But why forget where he was during the day??? Is it possible somebody could have that bad a memory? He is in his 60's by the way.

I think he FORGOT he texted me to tell me he was going to coffee with his friend. In fact, he was cheating with another woman from 12-3 and never said a word about being out because he was trying to keep it hush hush.

But then why text me to tell me he was going for coffee with friend? Why text me and why say it at all if he was on his way to screw another woman? My guess is he would have not texted nor said anything at all.

So, what am I supposed to think? Believe?

I talked it out with him. He said he forgot. His memory isn't that good. If I trusted him, I might believe that was the reason.

He asked if I was okay. I said yes but really I am not. I am not sure how I can get any help from him in feeling I can trust him. I think

I am looking to him to solve my trust issues but I cannot resolve them within myself.

Despite the fights, the anxiety, paranoia, we manage to stay together. Neither of us wants to leave the other.

Can anybody help make sense of my situation? Any logical explanations about what happened! Advice?

I am hanging on by a thread. Living in my own personal hell. I have had enough of this place.

View related questions: cheated on me, text, the internet

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (14 February 2016):

Is he rich? Does he have movie star looks? Cause if he had either of these I'd say it's possible he's cheating since in this case women may be throwing themselves at him.

If neither of these is true, I guarantee he probably was at eds house having coffee. And he just forgot.

You think women are just throwing themselves at your boyfriend? If so, what gives you that impression?

I know men half his age who can't get a date much less get laid. And you really think he is messing around? It just doesn't seem likely.

I think he loves you, don't think he's cheating and I do think you are paranoid. You are reading way too much into nothing. You need to work on your emotional stability. Your mind is taking you to very negative places, and it's out of touch with reality.

Do you have a job? And do you have social outlets and friends? It could be as simple as you just are feeling lonely and depressed and need more distractions in your life. Or the problem could be more complicated and perhaps you need medication and therapy.

I don't know. But I think this is paranoia.

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A female reader, Ivyblue Australia +, writes (13 February 2016):

Ivyblue agony auntCould it be that he never bothered to mention it because he knew you already knew about it? It makes sense to me that if my partner asked me about my day I would be telling them all that they didn't know. Being constantly accused of cheating when innocent is just as draining for that person as it is for the spouse constantly thinking their partner is. You don't have to be living in your own personal hell. Go make an appointment to seek some therapy for your anxiety. Anxiety is a form of mental illness and not something you have to battle on your own. A good therapist,strategies to cope and a willing attitude can help a lot.

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A female reader, like I see it United States +, writes (13 February 2016):

like I see it agony auntTaken by itself, him forgetting to tell you a SECOND time about his plans to have coffee with his male friend is hardly definitive proof of cheating.

It's not even evidence of anything, really. Except maybe that he's getting older and getting forgetful. Or that he figured telling you once was enough, and that you were already counting the coffee meeting into what you knew he'd done that day.

But you arrived straight at the conclusion that this omission on his part must mean he's cheating on you. So I'm wondering why that is, as it sounds like the trust issues you have with him are very much an ongoing thing and not just the result of this one discrepancy.

Further information would be helpful.

Has he cheated on you before?

Has he cheated on a partner in a previous relationship, that you know of?

Conversely, have you cheated on HIM (or a past partner) before?

Has a past partner cheated on you?

Any of these things could and probably would give you more reason to FEEL worried about his fidelity. But only a yes to either of the first two questions should give you more reason to BE worried about his fidelity. Any prior trust issues that you brought with you into the relationship are yours to work on - he can't fix them for you - and you are correct in your realization that constantly hounding him about something of which he isn't actually guilty may well drive him away, or drive him to actually commit the crime that he's constantly being punished for already.

Have you had similar issues trusting past partners before this one?

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