A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating this man for approximately 3 weeks now after getting out of a 3 year relationship. On the second date, we ended up having sex. It was spectacular, I hadn't felt so sexually connected and charged by a person in years. It was early on, I know, and I should have waited but it had been over a year and the chemistry was right (he is in his 40's and I am in my mid 30's). Lesson for the future.Anyway, few days after we slept together, his texting started slowing down. He would still check in, but far less. However, he would say he likes me and we had hung out and no sex was involved.We had plans to get together on Saturday. I am pretty busy person and wanted to solidify my plans for the weekend, so Thursday I asked him if we were still on for Saturday. He said he thought it would be okay, unless he had to take care of his grandfather since his mother might have to work. I told him that we could plan for another weekend, but he said he would know by Friday what the situation was.Friday came around and nada. Finally Saturday he text me saying "thinking about you." I was upset. I felt like he totally blew me off so I basically told him to lose my number. Did I overreact? Do you think he was just after sex? Feeling confused:(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2015): Hello,I think that you liked him, because of the great sex that you had. Now you want more of that.He probably hasn't had sex either for a long time either.The problem is that is sexual stamina is limited since he is 40 +. If he doesnt work out daily at the gym, his male hormones don't get generated like they used to naturally when he was 14. Since his sexual desire is linked to his male hormone level, he won't desire you sexually until his male hormone level peaks again.Like you, he probably never had sex for over a year which is the reason you had great sex the first time. He probably knows that you will demand sex the next time you meet him hence he is avoiding you since he doesn't feel hungry for sex right now and doesn't want to disappoint you. You need to wait until his hormone level climbs up again until he comes back to you begging you for a date. For a non athletic 40+ year old, it could take a long time before he starts desiring you sexually again.If he is an athletic type who works out a lot in the gym especially cardio vascular exercises (not weight lifting), or plays rigorous sports like running, soccer, tennis, basketball, swimming etc, then his sexual demands will be high since his male hormone levels are normally high. Many athletes have permanent flagpoles which is why they need a permanent woman to satisfy their desires daily.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (27 April 2015):
 I think too you did the right thing.
Some people may say that you have been too " uptight ", considering that it's just 3 weeks you had met. You just had begun to get acquainted, and, maybe it wasn't " just sex" , since you have also hung out with no sex. So , go with the flow... let it roll... take it from there...
No. That does not work for you. You are 30 -35, you know what you want, you know who you are. You are a busy, organized person, who takes social engagements seriously, and ( I presume ) is looking to develop a relationship. You do not have time or inclination for doing the casual thing for an undetermined length of time. The fact that he wants to keep things fluid at this early stage , or maybe date multiple people, or needs a lot of unstructered me time, etc.- does not necessarily make him a sexual hit-and-runner, or a bad guy. But, makes him a very wrong person for you, and a waste of your time.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2015): In my opinion you are best to cut your losses and I think you did the right thing . Any man who is really interestested in a woman knows that women naturally (because of the sexist nature of society and the double standard that still exists ) worries that a man only wanted her for sex or is not truly interested and he would make an EXTRA effort to show you that it's about more to him and that he is genuinely interested in you as a person He not only didn't do that, he did the opposite . He signalled through his actions that your feelings mean little to himPersonally there would be noSecond chance for a man who did this to me and I think that you handled it in the best possible way
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 April 2015):
 Not just after sex. I believe the sex is irrelevant in this case. Tge problem here is you are dealing with an aloof man who has problems making and sticking to plans. Which is a terrible match for a planner, as you will consyantly be pulling your hair and become frustrated.
You might have over reacted in the way you told him off. But you did not over react in feeling the way you felt. He had no respect for your plans or for your need to solidify plans. Having been in a relationship with a man who avoided planning at all costs, I know how frustrating this is, and how it feels to be left waiting. You could have made other plans... And youjust should have. When you didnt hear from him you should have just madr other plans.
But while it might work to have friends this aloof, it rarely works to have them as partners.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (27 April 2015):
Hard to say if he was just after sex, I mean not many women in my book would sleep with me on the second date. I think if you are looking for someone for the long run, holding out on the sex would be a good idea. In this circumstances, while he may not be completely after sex, the fact that sex occurred quite early sure does make things seem out of order. I'm just saying, perhaps this situation isn't totally black and white but I think he's slow down of the texts is a good indicator and he needs to put more effort to have you. Don't settle for less.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2015): Well he did seem wishy washy, didn't he?
It does seem his behaviour changed after having sex with you.
I understand you were feeling the chemistry and went through a dry spell for a long time but maybe your doing it so soon was not the best idea?
Just seems that he is full of contradictions. Like he does not know what he wants.
If he wanted to see you, he would have said yes from the get go to a date for Saturday, no excuses.
He would not have said he would contact you Friday to let you know for sure and then not contacted you on Friday if he really wanted to see you.
But what is strange is that he still texted you on Saturday saying "Thinking about you." Like he is still trying to keep you safely on the line.... just in case. And almost like he is totally oblivious to the fact he blew you off.
Maybe he has other women he is also sleeping with. This is a definite possibility. And he is not interested in a relationship but is trying to keep you around just in case he wants sex down the line, tomorrow, next week.. whatever. Just in case one of the others isn't around? Who knows?
The fact is he is lukewarm and did not live up to his word. And made excuses. Then back tracked. Like he is playing with you. That is so high school. I am sure you don't need this kind of crap.
So, yes, I agree you were right to tell him where to go so to speak. BUT at the same time, maybe you should have given him a chance to EXPLAIN what happened first. Did he try to offer an explanation?
Either way, this entire thing -- as it is not a relationship and very short lived -- could be chalked up to a mistake.
He doesn't seem like somebody who wants to get involved.
Sorry it wasn't a better take.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (27 April 2015):
 I think you did the right thing, in telling him to lose your number.
He KNEW that you two had agreed that IF the date was to be cancelled he would DO SO by Friday. IF he was really interested and "missing you" he wouldn't FORGET you had a date planned.
Was he "just" after sex? Well, I'm sure he was happy to get some, but maybe this fella is SINGLE in his 40's for a reason. Because he isn't looking for a relationship or can't handle one.
Some people like to get the sex out of the way (specially when you get older) to see if there is a point to continue dating (compatibility) others like to wait till they have established a relationship.
Do I think second date is too soon? For me.. it would be. But I don't think this guy would have lasted much longer if you had waited.
Just be glad you didn't invest more in this fella. You got a good roll in the hay out of it. So don't beat yourself up.
Up and onward!
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