A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure what to do about this. I contacted a guy last night. I only met him once and it was a while ago. I had a night out with a friend and I met him then. I sent a friend request last night and sent him a message just asking if he remembered me as we met once and told him where I met him. He sent me a message saying he was ok then he said "exactly, we only met once and that was when I was single". Then he sent another message saying "sorry but I have a girlfriend and I don't think its appropriate to add you or send you messages ". He sent me another message this morning saying that he was sorry about the first message he sent and said he had just woken up, but then he said he would add me but wouldn't send me any messages. He hasn't added me yet though. I'm not sure if he is waiting until I reply or if he has changed his mind about adding me or something.I understand him being loyal and honest and that's fine. They are good qualities to have. However, it might have been better if he just hadn't written back to me. I also wasn't necessarily writing to him because I want to go out with him. I don't see what is wrong with us keeping in touch as long as there are no inappropriate messages.I want to reply but I'm not sure what to say.What do you think I should say ?. I feel like saying that I appreciate his honesty and loyalty and I am also like that when I have a boyfriend. I would also like to say that I hope we can be friendly to each other if I ever see him when I am out with my friend again, as she knows both of us. I wish we could keep in touch in a friendly way.I did kiss him on the night I met him and he gave me his number. For some reason, I just didn't feel it was the right kind of time to go out with him then. I went out with the same friend again a couple of nights ago (I hadn't seen her for a while ) and we talked about last time we went there.I hope he doesn't think I am strange for adding him and writing to him after all this time. I just thought that he was attractive and now I wish I had taken the opportunity to get to know him earlier. Who knows if it will last with his girlfriend though. I wont get my hopes up though. Seems like I missed the boat as he seems to be a nice, honest person. Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014): Ad much as you try to deny it, your intentions are far from innocent and noble. You are attracted to him, regret not having pursued more with him and you are crossing fingers that he'll break up with his girlfriend you will be next in line. He was right to be so abrupt with you the first time because his suspicions, and his girlfriend's suspicions of you are true. Even after him saying he doesn't want to send you messages, you're wilfully ignoring that and still pressing for 'friendship. Why would you send a message to someone who has just said they cannot or will not message with you? That is just disrespectful and presumptuous. He knows your name and your Facebook name and you have mutual friends. If and when he decides he would like your friendship, you've already made it clear you are open to it. He knows where to find you. Save your dignity and don't communicate further. There is nothing you can say that won't make you sound desperate. And desperate is not attractive. Even if you reply saying 'yes I understand' you will look like you are ingratiating yourself to him and still trying to win some sort of friendship. Let it go.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2014): I think you should just forget about him and move on. He's clearly not interested in you, and he wasn't even polite about it. He has a girlfriend, do you really want to be the girl who is just waiting around for some guy? You only met him once, and a while ago, can you honestly say that from one night, you are sure you need his friendship in your life? I'd say don't even bother replying to his message, as he clearly doesn't care about you. If he hasn't added you yet, is because he doesn't want to, not because he's waiting for you to reply to his message. I'm sorry if I'm being a bit harsh, but I've been in your situation, and I would've liked to have someone told me what I'm telling you. Just move on, there's plenty of people out there. Sometimes we miss opportunities and later regret it, but that's how we learn. Good luck with everything.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (27 July 2014):
 You can reply back, no problem, I'll delete you too. Good luck.
And that should be that.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2014): BMBTL, I thought he sounded big headed when he mentioned that he has a girlfriend. I don't see why he would assume I still fancy him, especially when I hadn't mentioned whether I did or not. All I did was ask how he was. He has other female friends on there (one is our mutual friend. We have lots of mutual friends as he knows a lot of people I know ). I wanted to tell him that I noticed we had a lot of mutual friends, so I wanted to get to know him too. I also don't see why he would think that it could get inappropriate if we message each other .If he doesn't fancy me, it wouldn't get that way.I haven't said anything else yet. Maybe he will want to keep in touch if/when he is single again. As another posted said here, I can keep informed about him from our mutual female friend that I was out with on the night I met him too.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 July 2014):
 Let it go. Din't answer. You may not see anything wrong in keeping in touch with someone you kissed already and feel very attracted to, as long as the messages are not improper. But his Gf would not necessarily see it this way !, it may bother her that her Bf has got himself a groupie waiting in the wings and hoping he slips up, or he breaks up so she ( the groupie ) can step in to feast on the spoils asap. Maybe he does not want to have problems with his Gf because of a boat which, as you say, has sailed anyway.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2014): Should i just say "no problem, i understand " ?. I think thats a short and simple reply. It would show that i'm not bothered about what he said and it gives him the option to decide whether to add me or not.
...............................
A
female
reader, -BMBTL- +, writes (26 July 2014):
 The boat has sailed away, unfortunately you missed this guy, there will be many more, but his attitude seems very brazen. Don't fret over this.
Good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Mistresskiki +, writes (26 July 2014):
Yeah, you missed the boat. Move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (26 July 2014):
 You shouldn't write him back at all. There's no sense in it. I believe his first message was fueled by his gf. I don't think that was really him. It sounds like he has an overly controlling and possessive gf who probably made him write that. In fact, she was probably either the one that wrote it herself or told him what to say and was looking over his shoulder the entire time. I think the second message was actually him, privately, away from his psycho gf. But he didn't want to admit that his gf made him do it because it makes him look like she controls him. So he just said he was tired. I think he just sent that message to smooth things over with you so you didn't think he was such an asshole. Because that first message was pretty assholish.
Anyway, just leave this situation good and alone. You didn't do anything wrong by friending him on fb or messaging him. That's what fb is for. But there's no need to respond after that. Anything beyond what you've already said will just appear desperate.
Just my two cents. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (26 July 2014):
I agree, just don't add him, there is NO point in adding him. So you snogged him back when he was single and did nothing till now, and NOW he has a GF and doesn't want to get into anything.
Next time you met a guy you like enough to kiss in public maybe get in contact a bit sooner?
I'd definitely leave this guy alone.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2014): I don't see why you're hung on it? He told you he had a girlfriend, and if he thinks messaging is inappropriate; then he's probably sticking to the rules. Isn't the fact he has a girlfriend enough to dissuade you? Don't create a drama in your mind. Just dismiss the whole thing and forgetaboutit!!!
His girlfriend may read his messages, and just deleted yours!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2014): Be careful. You say you will just be friendly and just keep in touch without inappropriate messages, but you admit you're attracted to him, that you kissed him, and you're already thinking "who knows if it will last with his girlfriend."I think you're better off without the temptation constantly dangling in front of your face. It can be difficult to not flirt with somebody you're attracted to, even subconsciously when you're not trying to. And if he thinks you're flirting with him, it'll either drive him away from your friendship or he'll start flirting back(even just subtly at first) and that can lead to bad things. And even if that doesn't happen, do you really want to be talking to somebody who you're constantly hoping somebody bad(a breakup) happens to them? You clearly want to be more than friends with him, so you're kind of lying to yourself and him if you try to just be friends. It's not a good situation to be in, for anybody involved.If you have a mutual friend, she should be able to tell you if his relationship lasts. Try to keep up to date on his situation without talking to him directly.As for your current situation with his messages, I would wait until he accepts before replying. Then just say you're glad he accepted and you appreciate his honesty and loyalty. You don't need to say you hope you can be friendly if you run into him again...that should go without saying lol. Beyond that, for the reasons I listed above, I wouldn't contact him again until you find out that he's single(and probably wait a little wait after that). And please try to resist the urge the stalk his Facebook page. :)
...............................
|
