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Did I make a wrong turn?

Tagged as: Dating<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (11 August 2017) 7 Answers - (Newest, 11 August 2017)
A male United Kingdom age 51-59, *ecent man writes:

Hello i went on date,i was as nice as i could be took chocolates, which where her favourites,bought drink meal,i think i talked too much as did not want awkard silences,and was nervous , she 59 , me 54 I said at end can i see you again she said message me , we gave each other a kiss on cheek . On website next day i said i got home ok as i got lost on way there ( but i was not late getting there ) i got there first . She replied next day .Glad you got back ok, it was nice to meet you . So i said you too . ( so i,ve assumed she is not interested ) I said you too , good luck . Look after yourself . Love ( My Name ) x She said , You too x. I did Not talk about anything dirty. My Questions are Was i Too Nice ? Was i too imature ? Shall i ask her the Reason(s) why ? So i can message her to try and Solve them ? Thank you for your help .

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A male reader, Code Warrior United States + , writes (11 August 2017):

Code Warrior agony auntYou assume correctly, she's not interested. Don't ask her what you did wrong. It's over, and you're not going to get a second chance with her. What you did wrong was come across as desperate and lacking in confidence.

Nobody wants a desperate person because they are generally clingy and hard to get rid of. Why does that matter? Think of it like this: every relationship you ever have will end in a breakup except for 1, or if you're unlucky 2, and those will end if your significant other dies. Consequently, if you come across as desperate, people will assume that you will become attached quickly, smother them, and be hard to get rid of. Thus, you will not get another date.

You need to set a vibe of easy going confidence. In other words, you're not going to try to force things to be a certain way, and if things don't go well, no big deal, there won't be any drama, you'll just move on. While nobody goes into a date thinking, "I'm going to dump this person", they sure may think, "this guy is clingy and will be hard to get rid of, I'm getting out before he gets too attached". Easy going confidence doesn't mean you have to act aloof and uncaring, it just means that you behave like someone who's trying to get to know a little about the other person without concerning themselves about whether or not there will be another date or exchange of phone numbers.

As far as conversations go, you can't force conversations to go beyond their natural end. If you're not clicking with someone and there are a lot of pregnant pauses, or you're doing all the talking and they're not responding, then, chances are, they just don't find you very interesting and it's probably time to bring the date to an early close. Be classy and gracious about ending dates early, and don't ask about another date. On the other hand, when conversation flows naturally and seems effortless, then the date has a chance of going longer, and there's probably going to be another date.

Yes, there are some people that are gifted at conversation and can influence things favorably, and experience certainly helps improve your conversational skills, but the most important thing in a conversation is not to focus on a goal. You're not trying to get another date, or a phone number, you're just enjoying the conversation, trying to learn a little bit about the other person, and letting them know a little bit about you. No big deal. If you worry over every word or pause, wondering if you blew your chance for another date or phone number, you will look like a crazy person. Just be present in the conversation and don't concern yourself about what will happen afterward.

In fact, assume there won't be a next date or exchange of phone numbers unless she impresses you. That doesn't mean that you should act like you're some big prize, it's just a way to keep you from worrying about whether or not you're going to achieve some goal with her. Eliminating the pressure of achieving a goal will allow you to relax and enjoy yourself in the moment.

Remember, it's not like you have to accept however she acts and hope to be granted another audience with her majesty, you're both equally empowered to decide whether or not there's another date or exchange of contact info, so use your veto power to relax. She can still veto you, but if your attitude is that she needs to impress you as much as you need to impress her, then you should be much more relaxed and confident the next time around.

Remember, you're a decent guy with something to offer. Not every woman will want what you have to offer, but some will. Just because a woman chooses not to take advantage of what you have to offer, doesn't mean you're no good, it just means she wasn't the right fit for you. You just need to keep trying until you find a woman that you like who likes what you have to offer.

Good luck.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 August 2017):

I meant minimize sending messages to her. Write DC as often as you like. Others will be helping you as well. Maybe a few aunts and readers can give you more tips.

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 August 2017):

Sir, re-read my advice. Your mind is going light-years per minute. Please minimize your messages. A guy who is over-anxious is displaying behavior that demands caution on her part. You do not tell a woman you've just met once how you feel about her. That is weird.

You wait, even if your anxiety and worry is compelling you to contact her. Then you call and see how she is doing; and ask if she enjoyed the first date. If she did; then ask if she wold be interested in seeing you again? Calmly!

As for moving on? If a woman ignores your contact; you had better see that as disinterest. Give her the respect and space she deserves, and move on!

She wouldn't rush to see another guy, if she thought she wanted to see you again. You think you can convince her to want to see you if you're pushy and scaring her? I don't think so.

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A male reader, decent man United Kingdom +, writes (11 August 2017):

decent man is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Its ok angle. Thanks If you think i have a chance of asking her for a day out and explaining what i think went wrong , then i,ll send messages when she is not online , as don,t want to put any pressure on her. Shall i say sorry for wasting her time and effort going on the date . Or am i being Too nice Wish Some one would of taught me how to get a woman 40 years ago. as i,ve only had odd flings im 54 Thanks

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A male reader, decent man United Kingdom +, writes (11 August 2017):

decent man is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Hello thanks , i agree with everything you say except move on i haven,t got much experince trying to get a woman, can,t believe how difficult it is.I was Shocked she even went on date , ive always had very low confidence in all parts of life.She is so attractive i thought i was dreaming ,i was so nervous , i talked about myself too much to avoid the arkward silences she wants to date nothing serious , and is older than me, so i thought , she would want to settle down , as time goes by so quickly. I was So near yet so far. and Not after sex ,my star sign is pisces, Sensitive emotional .Because she said she was glad i got home ok, and it was nice meeting you.I replied good luck ,look after yourself. Have i ruined it all ? i treat dating like a big investigation , shall i send her messages about how i feel , confidence not much experience, i think she felt sorry for me , shall i ask her the reasons , and i won,t make same mistake again . I have set my heart on her , i know i would treat her properly. i went on date on wednesday. Worried she might meet someone else . You give very good advice, hope i haven,t confused you . you give Excellant advice , hope to hear from you Thanks Ray

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 August 2017):

I meant to say:

"Trying to cover each and every possible [angle]..."

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A male reader, WiseOwlE United States + , writes (11 August 2017):

You are overthinking this situation and becoming desperate. You must relax and allow nature to take its course; and natural chemistry must develop without being forced.

You're trying too hard and attempting to anticipate her every want and need; to see if you can guarantee that she will like you, and become immediately attached. Dear Sir, nothing scares women more than to notice a lack of confidence or desperation in a man. They'll wonder what's wrong with you. They must practice caution as a rule.

If you'd allow her to see how comfortable you are in your own skin, how mature and calm you are; I think that would make a much better impression. You're afraid she will not like you; and you're forgetting if that is the case, there really isn't much you can do to change her mind. That's her right. She will judge you based on her own criteria for what she considers the man she's looking for. You can't cover all the bases.

Trying to cover each and every possible angel to assure yourself you'll get the girl will drive you nuts. You'll also set yourself up for a high-maintenance woman who will run you bankrupt and stare-crazy. Just stop, man! Calm down!

Women can be fickle. Some are very independent and don't like being pressured or aggressively pursued. Others like being slowly wooed and romanced; and yet others like to be the pursuer. So you're better off to move at a reasonable and measured pace; so she has time to decide if she even likes you. Trying to be everything she could possibly image will make you look like a player, not the romantic-type of guy that you are. Desperation and over-eagerness are very scary coming from someone you don't know very well.

Please calm down. If she decides she wouldn't want another date, it's because you're scaring her being so anxious. Or, you're just not her type. For all you know, she may turnout to be far from the kind of lady you really want to date. You can't see that for scrambling to make the perfect impression; which will not make any difference, if she is just looking for a friend or male-company just for dates and to fill lonely times.

Yes, some just like a date now and then; and will call you when they feel like a visit. That's all! Some are only looking for a male-chaperone to events, weddings, or to let their friends know they can get a man. The plus-one on an invitation. Believe it or not!

Get a grip, my dear friend! She's not the last woman on earth! You're building yourself up for a let-down if she decides she doesn't want to see you again. If she doesn't, so be it! Move on and don't take it too personally. I read two of your posts, this is the first and I will also answer the second post.

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