A
female
age
30-35,
rachels
writes:I am terribly upset. I feel really bad about it but while my boyfriend was in the shower I was curious and i looked at this notebook he always has on his bedroom shelf. Inside it were lots of love and heartbreak poems he had written about someone or other girls he's had relationships with. I know it was wrong of me to look at it . I don't know what to do. I'm thinking does he feel as strongly about me to write such poems. Was he so in love with this/these girls? Did they mean more to him? I am his longest relationship and i know that should be a comfort . He says he loves me and that our relationship means a lot to him, but i feel so insecure that he doesn't feel for me in the same way as he did when he wrote those poems for those other people or person. I feel like the only way i can stop hurting is to talk to him about it but then he'll be so angry with me for looking at the notebook. Can you give me any advice. Thankyou
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female
reader, shandygirl  + ♥, writes (4 February 2008):
 Some people have a hard time expressing themselves verbally. They know what they are thinking, but have a hard time making it come out of their mouth. He may be like that. A lot of writers are like that. That is why they resolve to writing their feelings. Make sense?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): Actually, why didn't you just go join him in the shower instead? Lol waiting around, reading books...
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A
female
reader, rachels +, writes (4 February 2008):
rachels is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi Shandy girl,
Yeah, that does make sense. I'm a writer myself so I understand this. Too me honest there was actually a poem in there that i think might have been about me but i'm not sure. It was about being confused about him and the girl always being nervous around each other and stuff which I can relate to us.
I think a lot of my upset is that he doesn't share very much with me. I have to probe him for info about past relationships. Well its not that i want info. Its just that i feel easy about sharing stuff from my past in a matter of fact way becasue i'm comfortable and confident that they were't the right people for me and i've moved on. The fact that he isn't comfortable to share too and is more or less secretive, makes me concerned, you know? I really just need to speak to him about my insecurities I guess, which i hate to do cause i think it makes me come across as needy.
I don't think i can tell him that i looked in the book. He's so emotionally closed off (well this isn't quite true. In fact he is a very emotional person who only reveals about 20% if that makes sense) that the thought of me looking at that stuff would really enrage him. I'm not sure he would forgive me. I think i need to just think about why i looked at it and where all my insecurities are coming from and figure out how to resolve them by talking to him and being more rational.
I have done wrong but i think if he let me in more and helped me to understand him better then I might not have felt such a strong urge. I love this guy, but I'm stubborn and i like things to be equal and i think i could love him more if he opened up more.
I think i should write my thoughts out like this more often. It does help clarify things. How ironic..
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A
female
reader, shandygirl + ♥, writes (3 February 2008):
When I was in my 20's and 30's, I had a "book" that I wrote poems. It was a way of getting things off my chest, so that I could move on. It took 13 years to fill the pages completely. I couldn't throw my book away, because I worked so long on it and it was a part of me, so I gave it to my sister as a gift. I then never started another one.
Anyhow, the reason I am telling you this, is because I understand WHY he still has that notebook. It has nothing to do with STILL thinking of THEM, it is just in same context of poems being a form of art. And if he is like me, his poems are his 'works'. Does that make sense?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): I have done this in the past and really really regretted it. It is hard at the time to imagine that they were in love once with someone else. But you have to believe that it is the past and you cannot change it. You are with him now and that is all that matters, believe me, i have cried buckets about this same thing but i got over it, so will you.
take care
xx
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A
female
reader, rachels +, writes (1 February 2008):
rachels is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi to all.
Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I know deep down what you all say is right. I know i'm totally in the wrong for looking at the book too. Not to make it seem less wrong, but i hardly looked at it at all. it had all loose bits of paper and i skimmed over a couple of them but quickly put it back as i got so shook up and new it was bad. Still not on though I know. I've resisted looking at it for so long.
Its not that i don't trust him. I do. He's a really lovely guy.
I think the main problem with us is that although from time to time he does say how he feels about me, usually after an argument, (never while we're just together and just happy), he is quite emotionally shut off. He's very scared from being hurt before and very much tries to keep control. He never admits to feeling insecure or jealous. So, when i saw the poems and saw the things he wrote it hurt more than it might of if he wasn't more verbally demonstrative with me, if he let go more. I know we should just talk and we do cause we argue a lot so always resolve things by talking them through i guess. He is very affectionate.
I'm just really insecure (in relationships) i suppose and keep trying to convince myself that he sees me as a safe option, but isn't head over heels with me. Then when i think about how much we argue and how hard the relationship can be sometimes (we're both very stubborn and argumentative people) I think hmmm..not exactly the safe option. He keeps saying I'm a little nightmare! I don't know. I've been hurt in the past too. My way of dealing with it is to obsess about everything and his way is to keep a lid on things.
Anyway. i could go on and on. I've probably been bottling a lot up and thats why i get so upset. Thakyou for your replies. i really appreciate it x
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A
female
reader, shandygirl + ♥, writes (1 February 2008):
I am sooo guilty of doing the same thing.
At the age of 52, I have had my heart broken by a few boyfriends. I have written love poems, heartache letters, and so on. Each one was valid to me at the time.
But now I have a boyfriend that I love more than anyone I've known before. I am glad that over the years, I threw out, or lost all that I have written to other people.
Getting back to your question, The PAST is the PAST. We ALL have a past. Each relationship is a new relationship, a new start. Your boyfriend is no longer with them, he is with YOU. Now he loves YOU. Realize it, and be happy. :)
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A
female
reader, O Connor  + ♥, writes (1 February 2008):
 well you shouldnt have gone throught his private belongings. and if these poems are about heartbreak and pain, then would you not be hurting if there were ones written about you?? why cant you just believe that he loves you and is happy with you? when we are happy in relationships, we almost go looking for things to find that are wrong. just be happy with him and be glad that he verbalizes his feelings to you. and try not to go through his personal things again
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A
female
reader, schauv80 +, writes (1 February 2008):
I have a problem with snooping through my boyfriends stuff too and all it does is bring pain to me. I compare myself to how he felt about ex-girlfriends too.He is with you now and when he wrote these poems, he wasn't dating you and probably didn't even know that you existed. Have you had a heart broken before by an ex-boyfriend? I am sure were sad at that time but it has nothing to do with how you feel for your current boyfriend.Do you keep presents/letters/cards/pictues from ex-boyfriends? I do because it was a part of my life. This has nothing to do with how I feel for my current boyfriend.All I can say is try not to snoop because it will hurt you. What happened in the past with previous relationships have absolutely nothing with you.He learned what qualities he didn't like in past girlfriends and he found that you have great ones and he loves you. Be happy with what you have and don't let the past get to you.I hope this helpsGood Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): To be honest, you really shouldn't have read them... They're supposed to be private, why don't you trust him?
Look, everyone has a past. You'll never find a person that doesn't have a past. And maybe he did love those girls, maybe he did feel heartbroken, but what does this mean any more? How does this effect anything in current times? I know how you'll be feeling, and I don't blame you for being upset or anything, but he's not a child anymore. He's been through relationships - you've just got to deal with this.
I think that it's good that he seems to be a sensitive guy, at least this shows that if something ever happens and you finish, you will have meant something. He wouldn't be with you now if he loved other girls so much more. His heartbrake has obviously been overcome.
I really think you should tell him though, however difficult it may be. If you want to carry on together, then you need to have trust, and honesty. This story shows none of this. Try talking together, it sounds like this is a key element missing in your relationship. It's important to talk, and communticate.
Good luck :]
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A
female
reader, Mistify  +, writes (1 February 2008):
 Hi there.
It is normal to be inquisitive, but you shouldn't have read his poems without his consent.
In saying that, let me give you a little inside information on poets.
We write when we are extremely overcome by feelings of hurt / anger / frustration / love / lust etc. We also write when we cannot totally put our thoughts to words, and then we rather turn to paper. Basically, when we can't really communicate what we feel, WE WRITE.
The fact that you think he has not written about you, doesn't mean ANYTHING.
I have written stax and stax of poems to former boyfriends, and only ONCE written something to my current boyfriend.
I love him more than i've EVER loved any of my other boyfriends, but instead of writing it down on a piece of paper, i show it to him everyday. I show it to him through everything i do.
If it really bothers you, then chat to him, but at this point, maybe just review how much he's doing for / with you.
Believe him when he says he loves you, and that you mean a lot to him, and appreciate the fact that he can verbalize his feelings.
Good luck, and mail me if you want to chat.
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