A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner for almost 3 years. We have lived together for 8 months. When we are together I feel comfortable and content, most of the time.I am feeling lonely recently because he has been choosing to go out with his friends both Friday and Saturday night. Unless I specifically ask him to do something with me, he will go to the pub. This is getting to me for a couple of reasons. He gets very drunk both nights and when he drinks he snores very loudly. He comes in late and either passes out on the couch then comes to bed at 6am and snores or comes straight to bed and snores. Either way, I don't get a full night's sleep.The other reason is I feel like I am no longer a priority to him. I feel that his friendships and spending time getting drunk with his mates is more important and fun for him. I basically feel like we are growing apart. In the week days he is great company. We get on really well, we make each other laugh. We tell each other we love each other all the time. He got me lovely flowers and chocolates for Valentine's day. We went out for a meal.on Valentine's night. But afterwards he bumped into one of his friends and wanted to hang out in the pub with him. We had a good night, I bumped into one of my friends too and we all had a laugh together. But I guess I feel like his priority is other people, like his guy friends and the people in his motorbike club that he's in. Another thing that bothers me is our sex life. I feel like I am the one who makes sex happen, I have to seduce him or ask him for sex, or it doesn't happen. When it does happen, it's good, we both come and it feels good. But it's something I'm unhappy about. I don't feel desired by him. We've talked about it in the past. He gets defensive and basically says that he's just tired and not in the mood. So I just have to keep initiating every week or fortnight. I'm not happy with this. I'd rather have sex more frequently.I feel lonely. I know I need to make myself happy in life, it is not anyone else's responsibility. However, I don't want to waste my time in a relationship with someone who isn't really into me, or who isn't in it for the long term. I don't want to demand more time or attention from him, which is what I want. If he doesn't want to have a closer relationship with me and he is happy to keep going along with things as they are. I love him and I don't want to break up. But I don't know what to do to feel better about things the way they are. I don't enjoy being with someone who just wants to get drunk all weekend and rarely wants sex. I'm just bored and lonely. I'm finding that I'm feeling the flicker of attraction to other men from time to time and I know its because I miss feeling desired as a woman. But the thought of being without him makes me feel so sad because I do love him and I am happy in his company. I just don't know what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies.Ok, I accept that ai should make more effort to socialise with other people or go out more myself. I tend to be introverted and I have been wanting to stay in my comfort zone recently. I guess I have been feeling low in confidence for some reason.I don't have a problem with him going out with his buddies. What I don't like is that when it is the weekend, his down time, the first thing he wants to do is to go to the pub with his buddies. I feel, I am not his first priority. Also, I get his company either drunk or hungover.This leads to the sex issue. I have no problems with initiating sex. The problem I have with it is, that I hate always having to do it every time I want sex. I don't do it half as much as I would like because I don't want to pester him. But I can't remember when he last came on to me for sex. That makes me feel really sad and worried for our relationship.In many ways we get on so well and I love him. I feel safe and comfortable with him. But in his drunken states he has said some horrible things to me, that he doesn't care about me. When I have brought up sex previously he has just said he's too tired. But he can't be tired all the time. At the weekend, even if he doesn't go out, he still doesn't try to have sex with me. If I make the effort it could be once per week. But if I do not make sex happen, I am sure he could wait a month or longer. Right now it has been 2 weeks. I am going to wait to give him a chance to initiate sex with me. If nothing happens for over a month, I think I have fair grounds to ask him why he has no interest in sex with me.We use condoms every time. He absolutely does not want to be a father. But I see that no reason to avoid sex as I absolutely do not want to get pregnant ever. I still want a healthy sex life. I'd be happy with once or twice a week with both of us initiating. But right now it's me initiating every time. Half of the time I'm rejected, I have to time it right, make sure he's not too tired. Yes resentment is there. I have talked to him about it, but I just make him angry, which makes me feel more sad. He says he's pissed off that I keep bringing up sex and that he's tired. But I get upset because sex is important to me so that I feel loved and desired. Right now I am waiting. I don't know how long I can wait because sometimes I just get too horny so I end up jumping his bones. But I want to wait to see if he will initiate with me when he is horny next time. Fingers crossed he will soon.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2020): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies.Ok, I accept that ai should make more effort to socialise with other people or go out more myself. I tend to be introverted and I have been wanting to stay in my comfort zone recently. I guess I have been feeling low in confidence for some reason.I don't have a problem with him going out with his buddies. What I don't like is that when it is the weekend, his down time, the first thing he wants to do is to go to the pub with his buddies. I feel, I am not his first priority. Also, I get his company either drunk or hungover.This leads to the sex issue. I have no problems with initiating sex. The problem I have with it is, that I hate always having to do it every time I want sex. I don't do it half as much as I would like because I don't want to pester him. But I can't remember when he last came on to me for sex. That makes me feel really sad and worried for our relationship.In many ways we get on so well and I love him. I feel safe and comfortable with him. But in his drunken states he has said some horrible things to me, that he doesn't care about me. When I have brought up sex previously he has just said he's too tired. But he can't be tired all the time. At the weekend, even if he doesn't go out, he still doesn't try to have sex with me. If I make the effort it could be once per week. But if I do not make sex happen, I am sure he could wait a month or longer. Right now it has been 2 weeks. I am going to wait to give him a chance to initiate sex with me. If nothing happens for over a month, I think I have fair grounds to ask him why he has no interest in sex with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2020): Typo corrections:
"You can easily become selfish and self-centered, when you constantly test or compare your relationship; and continually keep raising the bar."
"If you're lonely, invite your girlfriends over to keep you company; while he's out with his buddies."
P.S.
Ear-plugs and noise-canceling earphones mute snoring. There are also mouthpieces that align the upper and lower-jaw; that reduces, or eliminates, snoring. Talk to a doctor, you should get some professional-advice on the matter.
He may be purposely limiting sex; because he's not ready to become a father. If you don't use condoms, he's a fool to trust birth-control pills alone. Then he's placing that entirely in your hands. It takes only once, but frequency increases the odds of pregnancy!
I may be way off the mark, I'm just passing-on what experience has taught me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2020): Here we are in the "3 to 5"-year bracket of a relationship. I call it the "Make-it or Break-it Phase." You move-up to the next level, get married, and start a family; or you become content, bored, complacent, or it just fizzles-out. The relationship seems more like a bad-habit that's hard to break.
If you have to repeatedly complain and fuss about the same things; or you can never resolve your problems together, then it isn't working. The relationship has probably run its course.
You've lived together for only 8-months; but prior to this, you had a happy 28-month relationship. Lets be real, you can't always be his top-priority; no more than he can always be yours. You are an individual with your own brain, heart, and soul; so you sometimes juggle what's important to you according to the timing and circumstances. Married-people are one-flesh; they and their children are priorities, because they got married to establish that kind of bond between them.
Men and women think differently, and will expect gender-specific things from their relationships. Guys don't exactly want what a lady wants, or expect the same exact things when you move-in together. Same-sex couples pretty much size each other up, bypassing the gender-specific stuff; but they try to figure-out what will work for them. It's a myth that one is like the woman, and the other is like the man. Those fairy-tales are stereotypes.
Regardless of sexual-orientation; everybody has to learn to make adjustments beyond their individual-perceptions of happiness, and predetermined-notions of what a successful-relationship is. There has to be trade-offs and compromise. Harmony comes from good-communication, and willingness to make each-other happy.
You can't sit around always measuring how happy you are, or nitpicking for flaws; sometimes you have to be thankful for small things. They tend to add-up! You can easily become selfish and self-centered when you constantly test or your compare your relationship; and continually keep raising the bar. Then the question becomes, how high will you jump when it's your turn? Standards and expectations are set before you commit; and you add a few improvements as time passes. If you're lonely, invite your girlfriends over to keep you company while he's out with his buddies. Get a hobby, join a gym, or learn a craft for artistic-expression; or the idle-mind becomes the devil's workshop! You'll focus too much on what's wrong, and start dismissing and under-appreciating what's right and good.
This advice goes for the both of you!
Both individuals have to understand that living together is not a marriage. Marriage has a different set of rules; vows are taken that demand certain consistencies in behavior, and requires promises backed by a contract called a marriage-license, and a wedding-ceremony. You don't have to put-up with being treated badly, disrespect, nor neglect. You can easily up and leave. Married-folk have it a bit more complicated; they can't just up and leave. "But I love him!" is not an excuse to put-up with his everlasting-bull$h!t! If you can't find common-ground and workout your problems...then it's done!
If you want what marriage offers...well, you have to get married. You can create a faux-marriage, have kids, debts, and all; but you will never get a boyfriend to behave like a husband. He knows a husband and a boyfriend are not synonymous terms. So your expectations have to be somewhat adjusted to what is applicable, and realistically-expected of a boyfriend. Women may not like this commentary, but let the facts speak for themselves. A guy is not your husband, and a woman is not your wife; until you marry them! Then you have more traction and rights to make demands of them. If what I'm saying is totally untrue, then why do we receive more posts from women about relationships than men?
Before you moved-in, he spent time with his buddies at the pub on weekends. It was never seen as a problem, I guess, until now. What's wrong with you initiating sex; if it turns out good, that means he wanted it as much as you did! It also means he likes a woman who doesn't keep him guessing when she wants it. If she wants it, she comes and gets it. He doesn't get turned-down, and you didn't mention you ever get rejected. Adapt to it, it seems to be working. He likes it when you're aggressive! It's probably his turn-on! He should always be open to compromise. Just tell him you feel more desirable when he moves first. Then allow him to! Don't look at your watch, fold your arms, and tap your foot; while waiting for his transformation on the spot!
If you want more sex, jump his bones more often. If you get your way, sexiness is far from your problem with him! If he didn't want you, he wouldn't get hard!
If you plan to use this as your excuse to check-out other men; that's on you! Maybe I just don't get it, but it never occurs to me who initiates sex. If I want it, I go for it! If my partner isn't in the mood; I'll wait and try again another time. I don't turn my partner down, even if I'm tired; but that's just me. I will say so, if I am tired; but we'll work something out. The secret to success is when you compromise; and it's a win-win for everybody! I use my words, and express my needs and thoughts. Communication, not whining and complaining, often resolves our relationship-issues. Being dismissed when I have a matter up for discussion doesn't phase me, I insist that we talk about it! Try that!
Some things require more work and negotiation than others; but patience pays-off. If you come with one complaint right after another; you'll get shut-down, or shut-out! Rightfully so!
If you're worried that he drinks too much, then address that specific issue. If you feel neglected, then address that issue. If you are keeping a grocery-list of complaints; then maybe moving-in together was not a good idea after-all.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (25 February 2020):
 Maybe YOU need to go out with friends or develop a hobby where YOU are the one who leaves the house (or you both do separately).
The thing is living with someone is VERY different than dating, even with several years of dating and staying over at each other's places. Living together is different.
It seem to me that he is 1. taking you for granted 2. has a bigger need for a varied social life than you and 3. believes now that you live together he doesn't need to invest so much in the relationship and you.
My husband is more of a social person than me. I, on the other hand love to DO things outside of the house, even if it's just a walk on the beach, trip to the mall window shopping/shopping, thrifting, museums, etc. So HE volunteers with people (I volunteer mainly with animals but also kids though is smaller doses) - Some weekend he works and I do whatever I feel like (and the weather permits). I don't HAVE to do things WITH him. Sometimes I go alone, sometimes with the kids, or a friend. Other times the WHOLE family goes and it's nice too.
You are a couple, not JOINED at the hip. One if the things you initially liked about him was (I'm guessing) his social personality. The fact that he has hobbies and friends which in turn (probably) makes him a more well-rounded person. MOVING in doesn't CHANGE who he is.
YOU were just used to (prior to moving in) that on the weekends (if he went out) he went home to HIS place and snored there. You got a good night sleep. Now he comes home and well, SNORES.
If I were you I'd really start to focus on things YOU like to do. Don't ALWAYS be the one to plan things for the two of you, but PERHAPS suggest that ONE weekend/Saturday night a month is for the two of you. You can also suggest that you can take TURNS planning something fun for the two of you.
See if that changes things.
And then next thing I want to mention is this, BEFORE you lived together, I BET he also went out and got drunk on weekends, just because YOU weren't there or didn't SEE it, doesn't mean it didn't happen, right? So your expectations of what living together means DOESN'T mesh with what HE thought. He continued living like he did before, the weekends are his and the every day are with you and work.
It's not really REALISTIC to think his life should now revolve around you. That he should totally change his life because you now live together.
However, with that said. You need to have a chat with him. Resentment is building up. And he sounds like he is coasting in the relationship, being kind of lazy. If he is also in his 30's isn't he getting a little "old" to go out and get drunk every weekend?
YOU need to figure out what it is you NEED from him and what HE needs from you, see if the two of you can make that happen.
And you NEED to figure out, IF nothing changes, ARE you wanting to continue or not.
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