A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Many of my friends and family has told me to try and look at my breakup as a death. Which helped for a while. I am plagued by a lot of guilt and shame. My partner/boyfriend (we are at the beginning stage of our relationship and had asked him to marry me) had begun to live with me early on in our relationship. I know, sex on the first date, we both fell into that trap and he started spending more and more time at my place till it was like he had already moved in. We even broke up for a week after dating a week, then took one look at each other and we were back together. Any way, he brought his computer with him when he would stay over and play World of Warcraft and stay up late while I slept. Little did I know at the time, he was online chatting with other guys. He had given me permission to get on his computer and one night, after his late night session, he woke me up, I was upset and could not go back to sleep. So I went to use his computer and did something I should never have done. I opened the internet and there was his email login with the password in it. So I went in, I know I should have stopped, but something told me that something wasn't right. That is where I found the emails where he had been chatting with the other guys. When I finally had the courage to ask him about it and to admit my guilt it was several days later. All was good, I thought. We moved to another apt together and he signed the lease and I had given him money for a car for work. I had even asked him to change his password so that I would not be tempted. He said that the chatting was like looking at porn for him. Which I thought I understood, but he coud see that it bothered me. Well, he agreed to delete all of his profiles and email account. Well, he didn't, because a few days later, he picked up my phone (which was not locked and I had nothing to hide), he saw some texts from some friends that I had talked to about this. It caused the whole situation to esculate. I almost walked out and went and stayed somewhere else that night. Then he stopped talking to me. The next thing I know is he is texting me at work that he has packed up and left. I was devistated. I called, I texted, I called and texted some more for several weeks, but he would not come back to talk about it and work it out. Eventually, because of me trying desperatly to talk with him, he cut off all forms of communication and started cussing at me and telling me to f off. I think I pushed him from loving me to hating me. I want him back, though my friends say that you really didn't know this guy and it was good you found out now. Yeah, so? I am despeate to work this out with him and don't know how. I am so hurt and sad all the time that I have pretty much stopped eating and sleep is something my body forces me to do. I walk in the door and I swear I can still see him and feel his presence. I find myself crying at odd times as well. (quick synopsis, yes, I am Bi-Polar, I take meds for it, but I hadn't the week he left, but he doesn't understand this, he says I am crazy and that because I had said some things that I didn't mean, like hurting myself, is one of the reasons he left, the other was me looking into his email account). I know this is long winded, but I wanted to give you an idea what happend. The only thing that was bad in our relationship was the chatting. Everything else was my ideal match. My question to you is, how can I get him back? I sent him a card today appologizing, and hope that he reads it and it doesn't blow up in my face or he throws it away. Because I sent it to his parents house where he is staying and he doesn't know I know the address. How can I get him back? I love him and miss him so much that I can't stop thinking about him, no matter what I do. I asked him to marry me for pete's sake, and that is something I don't just go around asking people. Thanks for listening. Hopefully I can see your reply.
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at work, broke up, money, moved in, porn, text, the internet, world of warcraft Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 first he came to live with you, then he was chatting up other men. at this point you both decide to move in together in a new place (i am assuming when you say he "signed the lease" he paid towards the new apartment) and you give him money for a car.
how much money did you give him- if you bought him a car then i think you have been fleeced.
this relationship was never going to last because you moved in together too quickly. it sounds to me like he wanted to escape his parents house. how old is he? cause if there is a significant age gap then that can also prove difficult to work with.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (15 August 2010):
 Was the chatting to other guys just innocent chit chat? or was it sexual?...If it was sexual then he was cheating in a sense. If it was just chit chat then he wasnt cheating.
He has reacted to your snooping either because he's guilty and didn't want you to find out...or because he feels your snooping was invasive and that you don't trust him.
It sounds like you didn't know him for too long before you started living together and he obviously didn't know how to cope with your bi-polar illness. It seems harsh but it is NOT his responsibility to have to cope with your outbursts when he hasn't known you that long. Threatening to harm yourself would have really scared him and I am not surprised he needed some sort of 'release' by talking to other guys.
Apologising to him may not make him come back to you, as sad as it is and as genuine as you are in your remorse, he has probably had enough and now wants out.
You need to get some professional counselling to help you deal with your feelings over this. You need to protect yourself from further pain and find ways to not obsess about him. Moving someone in is a huge step and adds a massive amount of pressure. If you already have problems (like a mental illness) you really need to be with someone who is very understanding and is strong enough to support you whilst you deal with it.
You sent a card to his parents house and he doesn't even know you have the address. I think this is going to infuriate him and scare him because it's almost 'stalkerish'. Please dont contact him again. Give him lots of space and time and maybe he will be the one who makes contact with you.
Try to stay calm and not resort to desperate acts, no matter how desperate you feel. Self control at this stage is crucial and you need specialist help and support to get you through this very tough and difficult time.
God Bless
AE x
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