A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm in my early 20's. I've suffered from depression for over 4 years now and I also have generalized anxiety. Due to my mental illnesses it has caused me to isolate away from people and caused me to live in a bubble. For the last few years I hid from people. I've block all friends I once knew, ignored calls messages and 3 years on I suffer a great deal of loneliness from time to time. A lot of my lonely thoughts have arised with my wedding. My fiance is having his stag next week I am happy for him but it hurts me so much to see him so excited with 20 guys off to have a good night out and inside I'm dying to have a hen but I have no one to turn to and ask because ive no friends and it just makes me sad. I look back and as I think of people to invite it brings a lot of upset as I realize I have no friends just cousins and family who i dont really know or talk to. I've been hurt a lot in the past from friends I had , they bullied me made me feel worthless so once I finished school I wanted everyone removed from my life , I guess I lost trust in other people. I wanted freedom start fresh. I moved away from home and 90% of the time I stayed indoors I didn't go out. My fiance worked till late meaning I would spend hours and hours not enjoying my own company. I would sit on my bed upstairs and look out at life passing me by. Endless days I sat there looking out the window and the blue skies wishing I could just go outside too and enjoy it. Instead I sat there sad depressed wishing i could gain the confidence. One day I went outside and it felt so weird my heart beated so much I felt high and I just felt so proud that i stood outside the front door by myself then i hear a car from far away and ran back inside and well due to my isolation now I have no one to talk to anymore only my wonderful fiance. Although I love him and love talking to him sometimes I just long for a friend. But due to my isolation it has caused me to be so terrible at mixing with people. I go red if someone speaks to me , my heart flutters I get tongue tied, its so bad to a stage where it stops me from going to a local supermarket or even meeting my fiances family because I am afraid of judgement . I have such a negative view on myself. I really hate myself. I feel ugly worthless and not worth anything and in my mind i think everyone I meet has that view too. I am told by my fiance see a doctor go see a therapist but I know in my mind I won't because I am so scared so afraid I have fear all the time. I've wanted a baby for the longest time, sometimes I walk into a shop I see baby clothes my heart melts wishing and dreaming of being a mom, sometimes I talk about having a baby to my fiance so often that I feel I am getting boring to him and I feel stupid. I feel sometimes he is feeling pressured by me to have one I just dream of the feelings I would have having someone so little to talk to love, care and be there for more than likely because I want to give all the love and care i have inside to someone else. A new friend. But I'm afraid that me longing for a baby has to do with me trying to fill the lonely gap I feel inside. I don't have anyone to talk about my wedding too, I have no one I can call to go out I have nobody. Just me and my mind. I feel jealous when I see women together having fun , having a chat . Its like my loneliness causes my to long for friends but my depression drags me back from having any and I don't know how to form friendships and it is so frustrating because my anxiety causes my to worry to an extent that no one would want me to be their friend. What do I do? Is it normal for me to feel like this? Help me :(
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bullied, confidence, cousin, depressed, fiance, jealous, stag , wedding Reply to this Question
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female
reader, missy_25  +, writes (26 March 2016):
I'd be more than happy to exchange messages with you. I can definitely understand where you're coming from. They are right about therapy or counseling. I steer clear of drugs, as much as possible, because I dont want to deal with addiction. Try going to a priest/pastor for advice. If you're not comfortable with the counselor or priest you talk to find someone else. Not everyone will be able to connect with you but do not be afraid to speak up. Do not be afraid. Period. You are special. You are a masterpiece in progress. Say that yourself in the mirror everyday. And pray for strength. I too feel alone and lonely, but you are lucky because you have your fiance. He deserves your love. If you love him as much, fight this negative feeling because it will be hard on him eventually. It will drain him as it drains you IF YOU DON'T do something about it to deal with it in a positive way. You don't have to deal with this alone in your thoughts. The strangers I have met are my angels on earth for giving me strength to keep moving. It wont be easy but at least you tried.
A
female
reader, missy_25 +, writes (26 March 2016):
I'd be more than happy to exchange messages with you. I can definitely understand where you're coming from. They are right about therapy or counseling. I steer clear of drugs, as much as possible, because I dont want to deal with addiction. Try going to a priest/pastor for advice. If you're not comfortable with the counselor or priest you talk to find someone else. Not everyone will be able to connect with you but do not be afraid to speak up. Do not be afraid. Period. You are special. You are a masterpiece in progress. Say that yourself in the mirror everyday. And pray for strength. I too feel alone and lonely, but you are lucky because you have your fiance. He deserves your love. If you love him as much, fight this negative feeling because it will be hard on him eventually. It will drain him as it drains you IF YOU DON'T do something about it to deal with it in a positive way. You don't have to deal with this alone in your thoughts. The strangers I have met are my angels on earth for giving me strength to keep moving.
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A
female
reader, wrathykins  +, writes (26 March 2016):
 Are you on medication for any of this? If not, then you need to go to the doctors. Medication, counselling, those are probably the best options to help you deal with the depression.I can understand how hard it is, wanting friends but completely conflicting emotions preventing you from making any. But that's the first step, battle against it. You mention your fiance is going on a stag with loads of other guys? I'm sure some of them have girlfriends. Have you met any of them? That might be a start into having some girlfriends.You say you're scared to meet people, like your fiances family. The first meeting is always the worst, but it's alot worse in your head than it'll actually be. It'll get easier, but you need to take the first step and start meeting people!I do think you need to address the depression first. And then that will allow you to go out there and make some friends!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2016): You are not alone. My wife is the same way. Always finding a reason to push people that were friends away. She is bipolar and suffers from depression. She is also an epileptic.The first part of friendship is not to judge. You need to allow them to be them with no expectations. For my wife this does not work. She seems to judge them to feel better about herself. I hope for your sake you can do this. I hate hearing my wife get made when she has no one to go out with. I met people she called friends. Some I would call good acquaintances of mine even today. But just so you know, besides my wife(my best friend) I really only have ONE real friend myself. It is hard to be yourself with out worry of what people think. One real friend that I can share anything with, and not be judged. A real friend will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear. Most people will tell you what you want to hear to stay close, but judge you behind your back because of it.I do not envy you. good luck. I hope this helps!
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