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Depressed ex gf wants time and space. How can I help her without pushing her away?

Tagged as: Breaking up, Dating, Family<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (17 May 2015) 7 Answers - (Newest, 20 May 2015)
A male United States age 30-35, *ostinlove463 writes:

Hi everyone. So my gf and I have been dating for around 6 months now. I truly thought we had a special relationship and initially things were very good between us. Our love life was great and she was extremely happy around me when we went to do stuff with her family or other people. Even when we were alone together just watching Netflix she was very loving and physical. Now for a little backstory, her father died one month before I met her. At the time she was taking anti anxiety medication and ADD medicine to keep focused on her school work. She was also seeing a therapist for her anxiety and depression.

When I met her she had stopped taking her medication however yet I didn't think it was a big deal because she seemed so happy. There were times when she would become extremely jealous or withdrawn however and it began to worry me. As the months went on, our love life started to decrease dramatically and she stopped being touchy feely like she used to be. We would get into fights because I would try to get her to explain to me what was wrong and she never really would.

About three days ago, we were texting and she said she was so tired from work and stress that she had grown to be incredibly unhappy in our relationship. She said was in love with me, attracted to me, and thought I was an amazing boyfriend yet she couldn't figure out why she was so sad. I told her that if she was unhappy I would work through it with her and support her. In the morning she texted me and said she wanted to break up. She was still in love with me but she needed time and space to work through these issues on her own, to learn to love herself, and to learn how to work through her issues. She said that if we were meant to be then we would. Understandably I was pretty devastated because I thought we could work through the depression together.

After some thought though I have realized that she never had time to grieve for her father. I understand what it's like because I lost my mother two years ago. The emotions I felt were all over the place. That first day I told her I would support her in this and I hoped that she got the help she needs. She reiterated once again that none of this was my fault and I was a great guy. I said how I felt she would never come back to me when she was happy again and she said it had not even been a day. Since then I have not contacted her in the last three days. It has been so hard. I miss her more than anything and I've cried myself to sleep a few times.

My question is what is the best way to show her I support her and want to be there for her without reaching out to her? She said she wanted to not talk for a while to successfully work through this stuff on her own and I am respecting that. I am so worried about her and hope she can get through this depression because she is such an amazing girl. I have hope we can one day get back together because I know I left such an impression on her but I understand it will take a lot of time. Should I try to contact her in a week or two or wait until she wants to speak to me? I don't want to push her away and make things worse for our potential future. I'm taking this time to do some soul searching on my own and reconnect with friends to make some positive growth of this situation.

View related questions: get back together, jealous, text

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A reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2015):

When a lady asks you to give her space, you have to back-off and respect that request. You know the reasoning behind her withdrawal. Presently, she is not in the state of mental-health where she can handle the emotional demands of a romantic-relationship. I would also consider that the length of the connection between you hasn't been that long. You may need to slow your roll just a bit anyway.

I would recommend that you don't put your life on hold; that you continue on with life as usual. You may be right that she may not intend to return; but she has a right to decide if she is ready or capable of handling a relationship while she is under treatment. You shouldn't dwell on this; or it will make you impatient, depressed, and impulsive. You will grow anxious and make bad decisions.

Do things that make you happy; and burn-off some tension/stress with exercise. You need healthy distraction right now.

Direct your attention to other matters, and spend some time with your friends and family. It is unhealthy to over-focus on a relationship. It crosses the line into obsession. You need some space to gather your thoughts and regroup you emotions just as she does.

Comeback when you need our advice and comforting.

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A male reader, lostinlove463 United States +, writes (20 May 2015):

lostinlove463 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Well just a quick update. I told her to call me tonight when we were texting yesterday. I wanted to know how her therapy session went. She never called me or tried to get in touch. I don't know what to do anymore other than leave her alone. I doubt we will be seeing each other next week. It hurts more that we were together for 6 months and she so easily dismissed me for 5 days of No Contact. Perhaps it's time to realize she may never be coming back to me

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A male reader, lostinlove463 United States +, writes (19 May 2015):

lostinlove463 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Sorry for the double post there. I'm still getting used to this site. I decided to send her a message earlier letting her know I was thinking about her and to stay positive in this time. She responded with a thank you and I asked to speak with her on the phone. She sounded very cheerful and happy to hear from me. We talked a lot about her work and how she feels currently. I told her that I had been doing a lot of research on depression and anxiety and that I could have done a better job at some points when we got in fights if I had listened to her. She told me it wasn't my fault.

I told her how much I missed her and she said to keep busy. She is tired at night still after work but this space gives her time to think and clear her head. I told her she was special to me and she said the same for me. I said to remain positive and that I'm always here when she needs to speak to someone. I grew a bit bold and asked her to dinner next week when she gets back from a family trip to another state. She was happy I asked and said yes. I told her to call me when she gets back from her trip and we can set up the dinner date. I also asked her to let me know how therapy goes tomorrow. I ended the convo with I love you and she said it back.

Overall I am incredibly happy. I know I have to maintain my space and let her come to me with things but I think physically meeting up will do us a lot of good. We obviously aren't together yet but this is a very good start. I do just have to keep busy and running/working out. Thank you so much for your advice owl. If and when we get back together which may take the entire summer, I will post back here

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2015):

If she's going to see her therapist that's good news. Respect her space, and leave her alone. No need to notify her family, if she is already taking steps for treatment. At this point, just standby. Try to be understanding. She wants to deal with her issues without anyone's interference, or pressure from dealing with the relationship. She's not herself right now, don't take it personally. I'm certain her mother already knows.

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A male reader, lostinlove463 United States +, writes (18 May 2015):

lostinlove463 is verified as being by the original poster of the question

Thanks wiseowl for the reply. I want to tell her these things but she said she didn't want to speak to me right now. How do I go about convincing her to do this? Should I message her mother? I don't want to intrude on this whole space thing

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A male reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2015):

Thanks for the reply wiseowl. Are you sure I should try to speak to her family when she told me she did not want to talk right now? I feel like I would be violating her space and push her further away from me. I want her to get well though and get through this grief with or without me. Last we talked I told her that she should get the help she needs. She is supposed to be seeing her therapist tomorrow and I assume get on her medication again. I just don't know how to go about this without coming off as a creeper or weirdo.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2015):

Convince her to get back on her medication. Her mental-health is deteriorating, because she is trying to function without them. Withdrawal is symptomatic of her depression, and nothing much you can say or do will help when she needs to maintain her regimen of treatment and medical therapy. She apparently can't function without it. You might want to alert her family.

We get a lot of posts from the partners of people suffering from mental-illness. You know how she was before she stopped taking her meds; so it should be easy to deduce that she doesn't do well without them. You can't take the place of her doctors or her family, who should be monitoring her. I suggested notifying her family; because they have access to her doctors, and can make decisions on her behalf.

All you can really do is be accessible and available. You can't force yourself on her or insist on being around if she doesn't want you to be. She has her dignity and just may not want you to see her when she's not at her best.

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