A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've got a problem with a demanding friend.She's a lovely person, don't get me wrong! And we've been best friends for over a year now. She's a very caring person and I can talk to her about absolutely anything.However, she is growing increasingly obsessive with me! She always wants me to sleep over at her house - I often make up excuses to avoid doing so, but then she'll ask me to sleep the following night, then if I say no, she'll ask again the following day! So I can't seem to get out of it.Also, when I do sleep at hers - we never stay in! She always wants to go out to pub... But I am trying to save up! And if I say I have no money, she'll offer to pay for me! So I can't get out of it.I just need my space, but I feel stupid telling her because I probably only see her about twice a week. Which isn't a lot, but I'm still fed up of it. If I tell her, she'll probably fall out with me! And I don't want to lose her.She had another best friend before me, and she was the same with her! They were together 24/7 but then they fell out, so she's latched on to me! She's had a history of losing friends. I have a suspicion its because of her obsessive, clingy behaviour! I think she's afraid to lose me! and she's had a tough upbringing, so I think that could be a lot to do with it! I probably sound like a really horrible person, but I really feel she's weighing me down! I just don't know how to deal with it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): Well OP, in this situation the nice person does what they have to in order to try and maintain a healthy friendship. In your case that means saying no, you'll feel a lot more guilty if you let this build up in you and you one day explode on her.
Just say you're not in the mood to call over this week or you wanna have a quiet week on your own. Or say you want to hang on to your money this week, if she says she'll pay, you just say no that you're not going to leech from her and nothing is gonna change your mind.
I think you're worried because any sudden change in behaviour on your part will probably bring out 'have I done something wrongs' from her. Just stick to your guns and say not this week. Be careful, she'll try her best to turn this into a negative reflection herself, just steer away from anything like that.
What I usually say to my friend is I'm not doing anything until a certain day, I have stuff I wanna get done etc. that way I assert a bit more control over our friendship and through boredom etc. she always manages to find other people to do stuff with.
Remember a nice friend will do what it takes to protect the overall friendship, if that means upsetting her a few times then so be it. If she has trouble with you easing off a bit then that's not your problem, people like our two friends quickly make new ones to replace us if they think things have gone cold. That's unfortunately how they choose to live their lives.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for all of your replies, much appreciated. However, Cerberus I think I should take your advice on board. I doubt that 'talking' to her will make any difference to the situation. I do also agree that her behaviour arises from insecurity - everything you've wrote makes so much sense.
I am such a softy though, saying 'No' to someone is really difficult for me, hence why I make up excuses instead of speaking my mind. I'm too much of a nice person and i'd feel guilty to say No, especially since I've always gone along with her wishes!
Also, if I did say No - she would demand a reason. So I don't know how i'd get out of that one. I also don't want to upset her - but at the same time, I can't continue like this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): I have experienced this too with a friend I have at the moment. All the other Aunts have nice ideas with the talking to her thing, but it doesn't work, she's no doubt had lots of the friends she's previously lost tell her all this stuff before and she hasn't listened so they've hit the road.
It's most likely not going to work for you either.
My friend is the type of person that puts all her emotional stock and trust into one person, for her it's all or nothing, you're either the best friend she's always wanted or you're 'treating her like crap'. She gets very upset when I say I can't call over, or if I haven't contacted her in a few days she thinks I've abandoned her.
For both your and my friend it stems from insecurity, my friend had a pretty awful upbringing and never actually had any parental love or affection. This has led her to seek this kind of love in everyone who pays her even the most cursory of attention and when she found someone who gave that to her unconditionally she would stick to them like glue. The problem for her is that she then has to have that constantly, she feeds off it and seeks out even the smallest of signs that I'm somehow going to abandon her, like her parents and former friends.
She too always wants to be out in the pub and when we go she has to be the centre of attention.
The way I have dealt with it is to ignore her feelings to certain degree, most people try to be the 'nice person' and either try to talk sense into her or just give in to her wishes just to keep the peace but that's actually counter-productive. You have to impose yourself on the relationship a bit more. Say no when you feel like it and stick to that, don't worry about her getting upset. There's nothing wrong with saying no and it's something she'll have to learn to deal with if she wants to be your friend. This is how I've approached my friend and yes she gets upset at times but seeing as I haven't done anything wrong then I don't worry about it because she's beginning to realize that having me as a friend doesn't mean I'm on call 24/7 for her, that she needs to have other friends too that she can rely on and spend time with.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): Hi there. I had experienced the same thing. But not exactly like yours. I think, you should open it to her.
Start by opening her past, particularly her lost friends. Then ask her why her friends left her. Then this is the time you open your problems with her.
Try saying it but not in a rude way.
Tell her that in a relationship, you two should work and should adjust with each other's nature. Tell her you did your part and you don't want her behavior that you want her to change so that you won't end your friendship bitterly.
Yes you were 'best friends' but you still have personal lives. We all need some time for ourselves. You two should get some time with your other friends.
Being just the two of you sticked together isn't good.
Tell her that being best friends doesn't mean you two should always be together .
Tell her that you might be apart from her in good times but you'll always be there when she's down :)
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A
female
reader, Amberosia  +, writes (11 July 2010):
I've been there, and trust me trying not to hurt her feelings will just keep weighing you down. You need to be honest with as much tact as possible, tell her you need some space and you have alot going on in your life, let her know you do not want to lose her and you care for her but you just can't commit that much time right now. If she cares for you she should appriciate your wishes. It might upset her for a short while but don't give in she will see the light if the friendship is strong.
Good luck
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